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Loving Someone with Depression

mentalhealth.org.uk

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Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#41

Post by elisbce »

ThinkBeat wrote: post #18

Living with me is quite difficult since I am suicidal a lot. One of the biggest hells of depression for me is that I have been through more than enough therapy that I can "view myself" from the outside. I can rerun conversations in my head that I have had many times in therapy that are meant to enlighten me and show me that my reasoning and thoughts are abnormal and even what it should be instead. The hell is that I…

Thanks so much for sharing your experience and feelings. I really appreciate it since I have someone I care about who was in depression and suicidal and I want to understand more. Hope you find the inner peace and strength to keep you happy.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#42

Post by cgearhart »

I have been living with a bipolar/depressed spouse for the past ten years. About once every three or four years we have a major episode (often a depressive abyss immediately following a manic period). I feel deeply for anyone suffering this or similar diseases…but I’m also tired of articles like this one at this point. It feels like they all come at me from this perspective of what I need to do for my spouse while they completely ignore the insane burdens that I’m faced with every day. (I’m not interested in being told how I can help anymore, because the truth is that I can’t help; I can wait until time or adjusting meds makes the condition manageable again.)

It’s *hard* to “just listen” without judging when your spouse can barely get out of bed or shower; when they don’t clean up after themselves in the bathroom, kitchen, or other shared areas; and they abandon or abdicate their part of any shared responsibilities in the family. I felt like any attempt that I made to pick up the slack just created room for them to retreat even more into their depression—and at times like that it feels like the stress and frustration is killing me.

So to all the spouses, family, and friends who support bipolar or depressed folks: I see you. I feel what you feel—love, frustration, guilt, anger, resentment, and hope. You don’t owe anyone else anything, and it’s OK if you can’t do everything on your own.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#43

Post by tartoran »

magpi3 wrote: post #21

I think the overarching message with this post is right on whenever you are talking to someone who is struggling: listen, love, and don't judge. A hug is much better than a suggestion on how the family member can "fix" themselves. I also want to put a plug in for dogs. I have struggled with depression on and off in my life, and two years ago I adopted a dog I saw being abused in the street. She was just a little pupp…

I ‘borrowed’ my friends dog when I was going through some darker times in my life during a burnout. We went for long walks every day for a few weeks and feel that it helped out tremendously. Without that forced structure I would have prolonged my suffering, probably starring at the ceiling ruminating on the same thoughts all day long. It worked for me, it worked out for the dog and it worked out for my friends whose time and attention was largely taken by their child. Likewise, my mother was forced to adopt a dog in a similar fashion as you, she wasn’t eager to get a dog but in hindsight she’s benefitted greatly from it, phisically and emotionally.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#44

Post by roberto »

rsyring wrote: post #38
khazhoux wrote: post #24

A bit surprised no one's broached this question: At what point is it OK to leave your depressed partner? I know someone who left his depressed spouse of over 25 years. He loved her and tried to make it work, but eventually chose happiness for himself, for the second half of his life. He left her alone and essentially friendless. No easy answers there.

Quoted post unavailable.

First, you don't know if they were married, of what their vows were.

Second, you have no idea what they've gone through, no understanding of their pain. If you have nothing constructive to say, no empathy, just shut up.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#45

Post by ceedan »

Listening is everything. Turn off the problem solver part of your brain and just experience their emotions and listen. Ask questions based on what they have said, try not to assume or think 2 steps ahead.

Going through different medications with your partner is rough too. The side effects suck, and some medicine doesnt help or makes things worse. Trintellix helped my partner, after 2 or 3 others failed medications. Those were a tough few months.

My recent 2 cents for partners, try taking a personality test on behalf of your partner. The results, may give you some better understanding of them... Especially if they are reserved and unwilling to open up and whatnot.

I've done this recently and I'm quite surprised by the accuracy of a lot of the content that I read about different personality types. For some in my family, reading descriptions of their personalities has been comically accurate. Maybe reading about their personalities just helps me to think more objectively and clearly about their own emotions, rather than getting it all mixed up in my own emotions.

You can search like "INTJ unhappiness" and read up on their perspective.

Maybe this all sounds dumb to you, but just give it at shot. At the least it'll be kind of fun to take the test on their behalf and see what the results are like.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#46

Post by asveikau »

bigyikes wrote: post #26
okareaman wrote: post #10

My own major debilating depression was such that I couldn't get out of bed other than to use the toilet. Worse than that I could see no reason to get out of bed and didn't care to get out of bed. Taking a shower and getting dressed was out of the question. I knew the strain I was causing in my family, but since I didn't feel anything, I couldn't feel enough empathy for them to do anything about it. I knew I used to l…

Did you always know it was bipolar depression? If not, what eventually made you realize it was bipolar depression and not major depression?

Not op, but I lived with a bipolar patient and had a relative who was schizoaffective, bipolar subtype. It's pretty common for bipolar patients to be misdiagnosed as having depression because mania or hypomania "feels good" and they don't seek treatment until they crash into a depressive episode. Or sometimes the mania just emerges later in life, as the course of the illness can vary and develop over the years, so maybe in the earlier phase it is more mistakable for unipolar depression. Lastly, antidepressants can trigger a manic episode in bipolar patients.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#47

Post by Werewolf255 »

rsyring wrote: post #38
khazhoux wrote: post #24

A bit surprised no one's broached this question: At what point is it OK to leave your depressed partner? I know someone who left his depressed spouse of over 25 years. He loved her and tried to make it work, but eventually chose happiness for himself, for the second half of his life. He left her alone and essentially friendless. No easy answers there.

Quoted post unavailable.

Pretty sure 'put up with spousal abuse and neglect' isn't in the vows but that sure doesn't seem to stop a number of people from inflicting it on their partners, ad infinitum.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#48

Post by pingsl »

Just before my marriage, I knew my wife had depression. Now we have been together for more than 12 years.

She has never recovered from depression thoroughly, so I have accepted this is a lifelong situation. I agree with the point "when they talk, listen." Because in my experience, the talk will become an argument finally. And that will hurt everyone in this family. So let's listen.

My sincere advice is to think twice when you love someone with depression. It will be very hard.

1. As the partner, you will be in a dilemma. You can not force them to see the doctors or take the medicines, as it's irrespective. And you are not willing to do nothing, you want to help. 2. Sometimes it's a competition. Either you will help your partner out or your partner will destroy you. You might feel the only one you can help is yourself.

So think twice. If you still decide to move on, you need to find out a way to take care of yourself. So that you can stay on this hard journey.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#49

Post by codeafin »

orasis wrote: post #37

Yeah sorry. I’m not going to just listen. A lot of the time you need to push them to take the next step because they are STUCK. Go exercise, eat some healthy food, take your damn meds, try new meds, try ketamine if suicidal, try psilocybin if treatment resistant. But coddling depression just drags it out longer and digs the spiral deeper. Yes, it is a disease which means it needs to be treated.

Glad to see this, as someone who has almost only been with people with depression, this article was a very aggressive "You're not doing enough, you're doing it wrong, you're not trying hard enough, you should be doing better" which is hypocritical. The post did not come from a place of compassion or support, but entitlement. This article doesn't understand how hard it is to listen to hours, days, months, years of a person you care about constantly speaking of ending their life. "Just Listen" may be good advice for the first 50 hours or so, but after that is absolutely not a productive suggestion.

All of those with depression who I have been with do a combination of:

- Sleep small amounts of absurd hours

- Eat junk foods

- Spend all their time on video games, YouTube, TV shows, social media

- No exercise

- Take substances such as caffeine or other recreational drugs

And it is indeed coddling that has gotten them to this point. The general response may be "It is so easy for you to say and do", but it really isn't easy for anyone.

With an increase in people who either identify as or are diagnosed with depression, they have continued to claw at other aspects to blame, and it's now shifting to blaming "loved ones" for "failing" them.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#50

Post by khazhoux »

rsyring wrote: post #38
khazhoux wrote: post #24

A bit surprised no one's broached this question: At what point is it OK to leave your depressed partner? I know someone who left his depressed spouse of over 25 years. He loved her and tried to make it work, but eventually chose happiness for himself, for the second half of his life. He left her alone and essentially friendless. No easy answers there.

Quoted post unavailable.

I wasn't at his wedding but presumably the vow leaned more towards the first.

Are you saying that people should never get divorced, because the sacred vow should rule supreme, end of story?

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