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Talking to strangers can make us smarter?

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Re: Talking to strangers can make us smarter?

#141

Post by fragile_frogs »

photochemsyn wrote: post #73

Some of this is a bit presumptuous... > "The authors concluded, "the next time you need a little-pick-me-up, you might consider interacting with the Starbucks barista...thereby mining this readily available source of happiness"." Baristas, waiters, etc. are paid to provide services, not necessarily to be conversational partners. From their point of view, their choices are "be nice to this person who is chatting you u…

I used to work at Starbucks for about a year and a half and it all depends how busy it is. Unless it's busy, those random conversations with customers where the best part of the job, at least for me.

Re: Talking to strangers can make us smarter?

#142

Post by sergnio »

"Every single person you know today was at one point of stranger. Even your mother."

There's a lot of cynicism in here and it sucks. COVID has made talking to strangers a little harder, me included, and while every single stranger I talk might not want to talk back, more often than not, I leave a random interaction happy because I went into the conversation curious and left with a new perspective.

The world is full of joyous people, but it's up to you to open your eyes and see it.

Re: Talking to strangers can make us smarter?

#143

Post by mellosouls »

pessimizer wrote: post #113
mellosouls wrote: post #101

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes, this is true and a sad fact of life - but let us not forget the majority of stranger-assault victims are men and - generally speaking - these (righteous) discussions about individual safety are rarely extended to them.

It's more important to remember that the perpetrators are almost all men, whether the violence is from a stranger or someone well known, or whether the victims are male, female, or even one's self - suicide is far higher and more effective among men.

I don't see how that is more important to remember in the context of victims being discussed here. Male representation is not even acknowledged as an issue.

Re: Talking to strangers can make us smarter?

#144

Post by AlecSchueler »

SoftTalker wrote: post #119
AlecSchueler wrote: post #87

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The daily luxury of speaking with strangers shit fear of sexual assault. I thought that was clear from the context Many of your other points are valid issues which are good points for discussion in other threads. Being called out for reinforcing patriarchal social norms, however, is fair enough. Don't take it as a personal attack but rather a little reminder to consider the effect your speech can have on others. If y…

Sexual assault by a true stranger is rare, for either men or women. Of course it happens, but it's much more likely to be someone you already know or see regularly than it is to be a random person you happened to talk to on the street or in a shop.

It's true that it's most likely to be someone you know.

But sexual harassment from strangers is extremely common. Assault less so, yes, but you can be sure that every woman you've ever met has or will be harassed, that she's been cat called, flashed, groped, cornered in, been made to feel uncomfortable or objectified.

This is enough to imbue random approaches with a sense of uncertainty and danger. She never knows if you'll be the one to add to the statistics.

Keep in mind also that the statistic of most assault coming from close family/friends doesn't mean other forms are rare. Most women experience multiple assaults throughout their lives.

Keep also in mind that most sexual crime goes unreported and that things like groping on public transport can be so common that most women wouldn't even think of reporting it.

Keep in mind also that statistics aren't what we base our fear on. I know I'm statistically unlikely to have a bad car crash going to the shop but I'll still put my seatbelt on.

Further to that, consider the pain that can be caused to victims when we essentially shut them down and say their fear is misplaced (read feelings are invalid) and that they should look more at the data than their own lived experiences.

As a final note I highly encourage you to talk and listen to the women around you

Re: Talking to strangers can make us smarter?

#145

Post by AlecSchueler »

nmz wrote: post #133
pessimizer wrote: post #114

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Are you honestly saying that the man you know is statistically typical of stranger rape? Because you can't be saying that the fact that it has ever happened means that it rational for men and women to have equal levels of fear about it. Because we all know that men rape men. Here's a question, though. Have you ever sat in a group of women fearing that you would be raped?

No, but I have sat and feared how easily they could destroy my life. A little scandal here, an accusation there and life is over.

Do you know how incredibly rare false accusations are in the things? Perpetuating the idea that it's a thing that women do does severe damage, it creates an atmosphere that is hostile to women speaking up about their assaults and it sews seeds of doubt.

Re: Talking to strangers can make us smarter?

#146

Post by mettamage »

hospadar wrote: post #39
nicbou wrote: post #15

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's weirdly hard to compliment people, at least as a man. If you haven't warmed them up a bit first, it never feels right to compliment what they wear. On the other hand, people love hearing that they have a nice playlist or run a cool place. It's something we put a lot of us into, so being complimented about it always hits hard. Compliments are an acquired skill, but one that's so satisfying to use.

Agree - I always go for compliments about a choice someone made rather than some quality I perceive them to have. This suggests admiration for something they intended to do or worked on. "I love that sweater" [that you chose] is a lot friendlier IMO than "you look great in that sweater" I also try to indicate with my tone and bearing that a response is not expected, a good compliment is a gift (IMO) and gifts are fre…

> I also try to indicate with my tone and bearing that a response is not expected, a good compliment is a gift (IMO) and gifts are freely given without expectation of payback.

Yes! This so much this!

Re: Talking to strangers can make us smarter?

#147

Post by AlecSchueler »

LightG wrote: post #120
booleandilemma wrote: post #78

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What luxury do men have in 2022? The luxury of not being able to express feelings? The luxury of having a smaller chance of getting hired? The luxury of having a higher suicide rate? The luxury of getting constantly called out on social media? The luxury of being told to stop whining when we point these things out?

Wow ... I think you've gone over to the other side with that list ... with the exception of the suicide rate. Honestly. I'm a bloke, by the way. Either you're in a bad place and I wish you well. Or you have a very skewed view of current reality, and ... I wish you self- and social- awareness.

The suicide one is actually an interesting statistic when you break it up a little. Women actually make far more suicide attempts, but men use more violent means when they do do it and that leads to a higher success rate.

Re: Talking to strangers can make us smarter?

#148

Post by LightG »

AlecSchueler wrote: post #147
LightG wrote: post #120

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Wow ... I think you've gone over to the other side with that list ... with the exception of the suicide rate. Honestly. I'm a bloke, by the way. Either you're in a bad place and I wish you well. Or you have a very skewed view of current reality, and ... I wish you self- and social- awareness.

The suicide one is actually an interesting statistic when you break it up a little. Women actually make far more suicide attempts, but men use more violent means when they do do it and that leads to a higher success rate.

Thanks. That's an interesting (if tragic) clarification.

Re: Talking to strangers can make us smarter?

#149

Post by AlecSchueler »

nmz wrote: post #134
AlecSchueler wrote: post #88

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If I'm speaking to a strange woman then I'm very much aware, yes, of all the previous bad experiences she's statistically likely to have had with strange men and I'll do my best to avoid adding to her rightful discomfort.

So you either don't talk to women, or you do so willingly knowing it causes them discomfort.

Yes I speak with women knowing that there's a high chance of causing discomfort and take what efforts I can to minimise that.

Re: Talking to strangers can make us smarter?

#150

Post by brigandish »

AlecSchueler wrote: post #145
nmz wrote: post #133

Earlier quoted context omitted.

No, but I have sat and feared how easily they could destroy my life. A little scandal here, an accusation there and life is over.

Do you know how incredibly rare false accusations are in the things? Perpetuating the idea that it's a thing that women do does severe damage, it creates an atmosphere that is hostile to women speaking up about their assaults and it sews seeds of doubt.

You still seem to be labouring under the misconception that risk is about prevalence. If that were true then you wouldn't wear a seatbelt, as I'm willing to bet that you've never needed one.

Risk is the chance of something occurring combined with the effect of that thing occurring.

Hence, a one off but life threatening event may be considered high risk, so it doesn't really matter if false accusations are incredibly rare or not if the damage that flows from them is severe.

For example[1], a trainee lawyer accused her boyfriend of repeatedly raping her, imprisoning her, and violently abusing her to the point of making her miscarry. The reality was that she needed an excuse for failing her legal exams. When he was put into prison on remand - he hadn't even gone to trial yet - an officer spread a rumour that he was a paedophile, to which the other prisoners reacted as you might expect, by attacking him. He was then moved onto a wing with rapists and murderers. He called it "your worst nightmare come true".

Why is this a risk that anyone should ignore? The FBI has said[2]:

> As with all other Crime Index offenses, complaints of forcible rape made to law enforcement agencies are sometimes found to be false or baseless. In such cases, law enforcement agencies “unfound” the offenses and exclude them from crime counts. The “unfounded” rate, or percentage of complaints determined through investigation to be false, is higher for forc-ible rape than for any other Index crime. Eight percent of forcible rape complaints in 1996 were “unfounded,” while the average for all Index crimes was 2 percent.

8% seems a fair amount higher than what I'd call "incredibly rare", especially given it's 4 times higher than for other types of crime.

[1] https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p02qs6pw

[2] https://ucr.fbi.gov/crime-in-the-u.s/1996/96sec2.pdf

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