How to turn small talk into smart conversation • Hacker News Board

Re: How to turn small talk into smart conversation

#21

Post by sabbatic13 » Tue, Aug 05, 2014, 2:23 AM UTC

rokhayakebe wrote: post #2

Or just be genuinely interested in people. Everybody has something interesting and if you dig you will find it. If the goal is to make the conversation interesting/smart, it starts with great difficulty because what sounds interesting/smart to one may be just dull/stupid to another. Most people may feel a little reluctant when someone else is digging, but that is only because they have grown an instinct to honestly d…

It seems to me that if someone is just honestly interested in meeting people and hearing whatever about them, then they are by nature rather social and extroverted and scarcely need advice on how to start conversations. For most people who aren't social butterflies, conversations are either simple social gestures or they actually have a point. When they have a point, you should ask what interests you, and if it interests them too, then you've found someone with whom a conversation could be worthwhile.

Re: How to turn small talk into smart conversation

#22

Post by ams6110 » Tue, Aug 05, 2014, 2:29 AM UTC

GrinningFool wrote: post #19

socialist_coder wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Personally I ask random people "What's your story" all the time at parties. It's been a great conversation starter every time. I think it only works with the younger crowd though (~20s or people who still want to act like they're in their 20s). I can't see a mature 40 year old responding well to that type of question.

It could just be that I'm envisioning entirely the wrong voice tone and body language when I picture someone asking this -- I can only see it coming across as hostile/aggressive, prying, or downright creepy.

I can certainly see it that way, but just as easily see it as a variant of "So, what do you do?" but more open-ended. It definitely depends on tone, delivery, body language, etc. as well as the conversation leading up to it.

As an opening line, it would tend to put the other person on the defensive, I agree. In that circumstance it's more like "So, why are you here?" with the implication that you shouldn't be.

Re: How to turn small talk into smart conversation

#23

Post by gk1 » Tue, Aug 05, 2014, 2:34 AM UTC

nostromo wrote: post #3

These suggestions are dreadful. > Instead of 'Where are you from?' try 'What’s the strangest thing about where you grew up?' > Instead of, 'Yes, it is a beautiful day!' try 'They say that the weather was just like this when the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. If that actually happened.' If the goal is to have a pleasant and interesting conversation, dropping non-sequiturs isn't going to get you there. And this is advic…

I understood those to be attempts at humor, not actual lines you should use in a conversation. One of the authors is a comedian.

Re: How to turn small talk into smart conversation

#24

Post by gk1 » Tue, Aug 05, 2014, 2:35 AM UTC

IvyMike wrote: post #6

> "They say that the weather was just like this when the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. If that actually happened." If your goal is to get instantly binned into the same category as 9/11 truthers, moon landing doubters, and holocaust deniers, this might be a good suggestion.

That's supposed to be a joke, not an actual suggested line to use in a conversation.

Re: How to turn small talk into smart conversation

#25

Post by kristofferR » Tue, Aug 05, 2014, 2:41 AM UTC

nostromo wrote: post #3

These suggestions are dreadful. > Instead of 'Where are you from?' try 'What’s the strangest thing about where you grew up?' > Instead of, 'Yes, it is a beautiful day!' try 'They say that the weather was just like this when the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. If that actually happened.' If the goal is to have a pleasant and interesting conversation, dropping non-sequiturs isn't going to get you there. And this is advic…

Yeah, especially since the first one ("Where are you from?") is pretty easy to use for transitioning the conversation away from small talk and into something more interesting.

Re: How to turn small talk into smart conversation

#26

Post by grrowl » Tue, Aug 05, 2014, 3:57 AM UTC

skierscott wrote: post #15

While most of these suggestions are terrible, think of the message they're trying to send: ask open ended questions that promote discussion and answer with real answers. On asking open ended questions, I have a few questions I always fall back to. If meeting someone new, I ask "If you had to describe your life in one sentence, what would it be?". In an silent pause with friends I'll ask "if you had $10,000 and couldn…

"Hypothetically, if you were to launder $500,000, how would you want to do it?"

Re: How to turn small talk into smart conversation

#27

Post by rokhayakebe » Tue, Aug 05, 2014, 3:58 AM UTC

GrinningFool wrote: post #9

rokhayakebe wrote: post #2

Or just be genuinely interested in people. Everybody has something interesting and if you dig you will find it. If the goal is to make the conversation interesting/smart, it starts with great difficulty because what sounds interesting/smart to one may be just dull/stupid to another. Most people may feel a little reluctant when someone else is digging, but that is only because they have grown an instinct to honestly d…

Except for those who would genuinely want to be honestly interested in learning more, but ... aren't. Because wanting to be interested isn't the same as being interested, and it often shows - creating a conversational awkwardness that's even worse than it otherwise would have been.

Hackers will hack just about everything except their personality even when it can be to their advantage.

I do not go to Starbucks with the intention of striking a conversation with strangers and try to find something interesting.

I do go out with the intention of talking to whomever I want to talk to even if my second thought after realizing this is negative, and even if I am afraid of others reaction.

It fails most of the time, but I think over time I will get better at it.

Re: How to turn small talk into smart conversation

#28

Post by grrowl » Tue, Aug 05, 2014, 4:01 AM UTC

atrilumen wrote: post #14

GrinningFool wrote: post #8

Upvoted because the suggestions are so bad that they merit discussion. As someone who, growing up, decided to break out of the introvert pattern by applying such non sequiturs as suggested, I can tell you truly that the only thing such a tactic will do is get you labelled as weird ;) Also: “What’s your story?” Sounds only one step removed from: "What's your problem?"

But isn't it better to be weird than to be boring? I'm just flat out socially retarded, and desperately lonely. Reading this, I felt a twinge of excitement at the suggestion that I might break out of the box with a little creativity. I kind of took it as saying, "don't be afraid to be weird". I think my fear of revealing how crazy I am probably accounts for a good deal of what holds me back. The idea of it being okay…

It's a delicate balance between being polite (toeing your partner's comfort zone), provocative (so they actually have to think about the answer), and funny or interesting (catch them off guard, be entertained).

When you're starting out you'll accidentally dip too far off either of these scales, but you can just apologise and calmly change tactic. Eventually you'll intuitively "feel" the conversation. And remember, some people are just too prudish, boring, or disinterested to be good conversationalists — feel free to politely "thank you" out of a conversation.

Re: How to turn small talk into smart conversation

#29

Post by rokhayakebe » Tue, Aug 05, 2014, 4:07 AM UTC

nostromo wrote: post #3

These suggestions are dreadful. > Instead of 'Where are you from?' try 'What’s the strangest thing about where you grew up?' > Instead of, 'Yes, it is a beautiful day!' try 'They say that the weather was just like this when the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. If that actually happened.' If the goal is to have a pleasant and interesting conversation, dropping non-sequiturs isn't going to get you there. And this is advic…

"And this is advice for introvert? Many introverts... "

Better being awkward than being a pusillanimous.

So what if they burn? It is not the end of world if someone finds you awkward, or laughs at you. It is the end of the world if you want to improve and do not have the courage to look stupid temporarily until you find your own path.

Re: How to turn small talk into smart conversation

#30

Post by darkmighty » Tue, Aug 05, 2014, 4:56 AM UTC

soneca wrote: post #20

I think any smart conversation should start, at least, on the second question. A "How are you?" and "What's your name?" are great first questions. Don't bother finding very clever alternatives. But pay attention to how people respond to it. You can sense if they are in a hurry, worried about other things, not interested at all in you as a person, etc. In these cases, just leave it. Not every conversation must be the…

Smalltalk is often smalltalk because we don't want to waste mental bandwidth with the conversation and yet don't want to offend. I agree that probing this state is exactly why we should use brand conversation starters, unless you are clearly in a position where you might want to talk.

That's probably difficult to see for a comedian, since he's never wasting mental bandwidth with conversations -- it's the thing they do!