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How to turn small talk into smart conversation

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Re: How to turn small talk into smart conversation

#11

Post by DavidAdams »

nostromo wrote: post #3

These suggestions are dreadful. > Instead of 'Where are you from?' try 'What’s the strangest thing about where you grew up?' > Instead of, 'Yes, it is a beautiful day!' try 'They say that the weather was just like this when the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. If that actually happened.' If the goal is to have a pleasant and interesting conversation, dropping non-sequiturs isn't going to get you there. And this is advic…

I agree with you that for the most part the suggested alternative conversation starters range from pretty bad to hilariously bad. But I was very glad to read this short article because the larger idea put forth in the article is very thought-provoking, and is really good advice. You'll have to use your own creativity to try to spark an interesting conversation, but I feel a little energized by the challenge.

Why do you suppose people are so interested by self-help and "life hacks," but in general we're not actually that motivated for self improvement?

(see what I did there?)

Re: How to turn small talk into smart conversation

#13

Post by jonnathanson »

GrinningFool wrote: post #8

Upvoted because the suggestions are so bad that they merit discussion. As someone who, growing up, decided to break out of the introvert pattern by applying such non sequiturs as suggested, I can tell you truly that the only thing such a tactic will do is get you labelled as weird ;) Also: “What’s your story?” Sounds only one step removed from: "What's your problem?"

There is a non-creepy, non-awkward, inoffensive way to deliver "What's your story," and maybe one person in every 100 is capable of pulling it off. Not for the beginning small talker. This is, like, postgrad-level small talk, where you're being tongue-in-cheek about your small talk, and using playful small talk to call attention to itself.

Re: How to turn small talk into smart conversation

#14

Post by atrilumen »

GrinningFool wrote: post #8

Upvoted because the suggestions are so bad that they merit discussion. As someone who, growing up, decided to break out of the introvert pattern by applying such non sequiturs as suggested, I can tell you truly that the only thing such a tactic will do is get you labelled as weird ;) Also: “What’s your story?” Sounds only one step removed from: "What's your problem?"

But isn't it better to be weird than to be boring?

I'm just flat out socially retarded, and desperately lonely. Reading this, I felt a twinge of excitement at the suggestion that I might break out of the box with a little creativity. I kind of took it as saying, "don't be afraid to be weird".

I think my fear of revealing how crazy I am probably accounts for a good deal of what holds me back. The idea of it being okay to be weird, or at least, unexpectedly thoughtful and inquisitive, seems a rather hopeful one. (Sadly, I'm absolutely clueless as to whether that's actually the case.)

Re: How to turn small talk into smart conversation

#15

Post by skierscott »

While most of these suggestions are terrible, think of the message they're trying to send: ask open ended questions that promote discussion and answer with real answers.

On asking open ended questions, I have a few questions I always fall back to. If meeting someone new, I ask "If you had to describe your life in one sentence, what would it be?". In an silent pause with friends I'll ask "if you had $10,000 and couldn't don anything rational, what would you spend it on?".

On answering with real answers, I do just that. If asked how your day is going, say how you really feel instead of "good". Often this opens up a deeper discussion, but you can always choose to say "good" if that's socially appropriate.

Re: How to turn small talk into smart conversation

#16

Post by socialist_coder »

GrinningFool wrote: post #8

Upvoted because the suggestions are so bad that they merit discussion. As someone who, growing up, decided to break out of the introvert pattern by applying such non sequiturs as suggested, I can tell you truly that the only thing such a tactic will do is get you labelled as weird ;) Also: “What’s your story?” Sounds only one step removed from: "What's your problem?"

Personally I ask random people "What's your story" all the time at parties. It's been a great conversation starter every time. I think it only works with the younger crowd though (~20s or people who still want to act like they're in their 20s). I can't see a mature 40 year old responding well to that type of question.

Re: How to turn small talk into smart conversation

#17

Post by disputin »

atrilumen wrote: post #14
GrinningFool wrote: post #8

Upvoted because the suggestions are so bad that they merit discussion. As someone who, growing up, decided to break out of the introvert pattern by applying such non sequiturs as suggested, I can tell you truly that the only thing such a tactic will do is get you labelled as weird ;) Also: “What’s your story?” Sounds only one step removed from: "What's your problem?"

But isn't it better to be weird than to be boring? I'm just flat out socially retarded, and desperately lonely. Reading this, I felt a twinge of excitement at the suggestion that I might break out of the box with a little creativity. I kind of took it as saying, "don't be afraid to be weird". I think my fear of revealing how crazy I am probably accounts for a good deal of what holds me back. The idea of it being okay…

The outgoing people you meet will have met many people, including crazier than you. The crazy people you meet might think you're normal, or be happy to have met another crazy. I was stalked for a year - I bet I wouldn't think you're crazy.

Re: How to turn small talk into smart conversation

#18

Post by GrinningFool »

atrilumen wrote: post #14
GrinningFool wrote: post #8

Upvoted because the suggestions are so bad that they merit discussion. As someone who, growing up, decided to break out of the introvert pattern by applying such non sequiturs as suggested, I can tell you truly that the only thing such a tactic will do is get you labelled as weird ;) Also: “What’s your story?” Sounds only one step removed from: "What's your problem?"

But isn't it better to be weird than to be boring? I'm just flat out socially retarded, and desperately lonely. Reading this, I felt a twinge of excitement at the suggestion that I might break out of the box with a little creativity. I kind of took it as saying, "don't be afraid to be weird". I think my fear of revealing how crazy I am probably accounts for a good deal of what holds me back. The idea of it being okay…

Possibly. I think a lot of it depends on the people you're trying it with.

It's probably a safe assumption that the peer group I tried it with then (high school) reacted quite a bit differently than my current peer group would (largely very intelligent coworkers).

Re: How to turn small talk into smart conversation

#19

Post by GrinningFool »

socialist_coder wrote: post #16
GrinningFool wrote: post #8

Upvoted because the suggestions are so bad that they merit discussion. As someone who, growing up, decided to break out of the introvert pattern by applying such non sequiturs as suggested, I can tell you truly that the only thing such a tactic will do is get you labelled as weird ;) Also: “What’s your story?” Sounds only one step removed from: "What's your problem?"

Personally I ask random people "What's your story" all the time at parties. It's been a great conversation starter every time. I think it only works with the younger crowd though (~20s or people who still want to act like they're in their 20s). I can't see a mature 40 year old responding well to that type of question.

It could just be that I'm envisioning entirely the wrong voice tone and body language when I picture someone asking this -- I can only see it coming across as hostile/aggressive, prying, or downright creepy.

Re: How to turn small talk into smart conversation

#20

Post by soneca »

I think any smart conversation should start, at least, on the second question. A "How are you?" and "What's your name?" are great first questions. Don't bother finding very clever alternatives. But pay attention to how people respond to it. You can sense if they are in a hurry, worried about other things, not interested at all in you as a person, etc. In these cases, just leave it. Not every conversation must be the most smart and productive one. And not every person is worthy your effort (specially those don't even bother to look at you when you are talking).

But if there is room, then you can start with clever, original questions. But the second question, should also sounds friendly, not creepy. The best way to do this I think it is to make a subtle compliment. A try might be "You look like an artist,what kind of artist are you? I would guess painter/singer/writer".

Or funny self-awareness "Do you think people who make small talk with strangers are annoying?".

Then you assess again the reactions... and hopefully a smarter conversation begins.

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