i used to struggle a lot with suicidal thoughts. i kept wanting to get out from the loneliness and general sense of "well what's the point? nothing i do really matters". i felt like the world was broken and alternated between trying to enjoy myself as much as i could, and wishing i could make things better. what helped me finally move past this was repeatedly trying and failing to kill myself. always someone would co…
I've had about 3 or 4 serious suicide attempts before, and a number of smaller ones. Even in the more serious attempts, the ones that landed me in critical care, necessitated blood transfusions, etc., in the end i'd always wake up. I'd black out, and then always wake up in the hospital, someone having found me in time by chance and such.
Based on sparse personal evidence, probably a bit of narcissism, possibly mild psychosis, and survivorship bias, i have concluded i am possibly immortal, at least to myself, and that life-ending attempts might be pointless, or at the very least i should be very careful in the future to limit injury in the case of my surviving.
Not sure where aging would fit into that cosmology, at least that which i have experienced for myself, or what would happen if i do become frail from old age. Old age and death for others could be explained by timelines diverging, but for myself i have no idea. I'm open to suggestions though! ;-) I still think everyone is real, just that you and everyone else exist in your own realities and timelines that converge and diverge from my own based on positive and negative personal affinities and orbits.
I don't know if you have experienced this for yourself, but my conclusions on personal realities, timelines, and affinities were partly based on qualitative experiences of convergence and divergence in my own universe. People already seemingly closely aligned to me enter my personal life and sphere by chance, and often only become more and more closely aligned the longer they stay, while they influence me as well. Divergent individuals exit just as randomly yet commonly, or stay at the periphery.
Synchronicity seems to be a strong signal of some kind, one which ebbs and flows, surrounding strong events and turning points like a force field.
Full voluntary disclosure necessitates me telling you i've been deemed ill and delusional in a clinical environment quite a few times, even though to me it was merely for making obvious connections and inferences establishment types seemed to deliberately neglect making, to preserve their own seeming sanity, sense of self, and sense of place.
I'm more measured and careful about how much i let ride on any non-grounded inferences and notions i have, and you might want to do the same (if you don't already!) It's important to validate common notions of reality in public or during interactions, and only deviate in ways that won't put you at odds with other people you wish to keep in your life, and also don't threaten your own safety, any standing you wish to preserve, legality, etc.
Psychologists often call this "double bookkeeping", but for those of us who still happen to believe judged-delusional personal notions still have a good chance of being true, it's simply a compromise and a necessary one to be able to navigate safely in the world.
A cautionary tale on the dangers of lack of "insight", as perceived from this timeline:
http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2011/05/30/god-knows-where...
And the always entertaining, Was Jesus Bipolar?:
http://thoughtcatalog.com/anonymous/2013/05/was-jesus-bipola...
Diverging from expectations doesn't mean you don't have good ideas, or maybe know some deeper truths, though you should always be aware of how others do / are going to perceive you.