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Suicidal Software Developer

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Re: Suicidal Software Developer

#171

Post by ahruygt »

Reaching out was the best thing you could have done. I know, in my case, I did have to quit my job, drive around the country for a month, and work through a lot of emotions for a while before I could be where I am now. And I know the anvil will come back. Depression is a reminder that your life a fragile, beautiful thing, and that you are in control of how you want to live it.

I'm not saying depression is "all in your head". It is by far one of the hardest things to go through. But there are so many people around you who want to share stories, help you through it, and be there with you. I recognized myself in your post, and I'm here now, writing to encourage you to keep talking, make changes in your life, and that it's ok to be afraid, to cry, to want to go home.

But you CAN get through this.

Love.

Re: Suicidal Software Developer

#172

Post by agumonkey »

phillmv wrote: post #105
agumonkey wrote: post #32

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The amount of self reflection in trying to find your own solution while in the deep is frankly impressive.

It's a common depressive symptom. DFW had a great and unsettling short story on the topic: http://harpers.org/wp-content/uploads/HarpersMagazine-1998-0...

I skimmed through this a bit, but failed to understand your point. Care to explain ?

Re: Suicidal Software Developer

#173

Post by elwell »

gobots wrote: post #11

I had struggled with untreated suicidal depression for 15 years. I was very quiet about it. I am a web developer. Three years ago I was divorced from my wife, left my birth religion and quit my job. On top of all my issues I was suffering from burnout – I hadn't had a vacation in years. Since I was the religious guy at my job I worked the holidays and was promised make up time. Company policy shifted at some point an…

It's worth noting that I have a friend who was brought out of many years suicidal depression by his faith in God. I say that simply to add balance to our anecdotal judgments upon religion, albeit he isn't part of the Jehovah's Witnesses.

Re: Suicidal Software Developer

#175

Post by bbarn »

dbbolton wrote: post #19

I remember reading a quote somewhere attributed to a person who survived jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. Paraphrased, they said that at the moment they jumped, they suddenly realized that every single problem in their life was fixable except the fact that they had just jumped off a f *ing bridge.

There was a rather good, if not morose, documentary about those who jumped off the GG Bridge, called "The Bridge" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Bridge_(2006_documentary_fi... It was well made, but the whole spy-cam footage thing got some pretty negative reception iirc.

Re: Suicidal Software Developer

#176

Post by bbarn »

jorgeleo wrote: post #98

There is no simple or easy answer. And no one can tell you "I know how you feel" because we all feel different. So... 1. Get medical help. There is a lot to be said and done with the right doctor and therapist 2. Believe or not: WALK 20 minutes a day 3. GOTO 1 You need to feel better, but that will only happens if you take action towards it. And it begins with medical help.

As a lifelong cyclist, both competitively, and transportation oriented, I still try to find time for #2. Sometimes just walking around, no matter where you are, gives you a different perspective about things. When I'm angry, depressed, what have you, the first thing I do is just put on my running shoes and walk for an hour. I used to try to walk home or to work once a week instead of biking or public transit, just for the experience. It's definitely saved me from myself more than once.

Re: Suicidal Software Developer

#177

Post by bbarn »

muhuk wrote: post #23

I think this might be the key to his depression: I put up with a lot of startup bullshit... Stress symptoms don't necessarily manifest themselves immediately. It might be something that happened long time ago (3 - 6 months) surfacing now. And when it is happening, you might not pay attention to it, you might be inclined to overlook. (citation needed) 50% is not wanting to put others through torment. This is BS. Commi…

Upvoted for this comment:

Stress symptoms don't necessarily manifest themselves immediately. It might be something that happened long time ago (3 - 6 months) surfacing now. And when it is happening, you might not pay attention to it, you might be inclined to overlook. (citation needed)

Citation or not, this is something that people overlook constantly. Sometimes the resistance/fight or flight mechanisms in our brains will get us through truly awful stuff, only to start really being bothered by it months later when we have the free brain power to think about it.

Also worth noting, is that sometimes really GOOD life events can be stressful as well. Landing a new job, finding a new partner, etc., all of those things (or perhaps wanting to keep those new things in place) can also add onto the stress pile much more significantly than others see. The real kicker is that there just aren't very many people you can vent about it to or seek advice from when you're talking about how great everything is, and how much it bugs you. It's something I make a point to watch out for when I talk to friends and peers. Too many people seem to respond after the fact with "But things were going so well for him" without seeing how that can make things difficult for someone.

Re: Suicidal Software Developer

#178

Post by hashbanged »

was_hellbanned wrote: post #160

With regards to the relationship, I've been in a similar place. I'd say it takes about five years to truly get over such a profound loss. It's really true that ending a deeply-felt romantic relationship is not much different from grieving a death. I've heard good things about the book, "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" ($7 on Amazon). Also, Zoloft worked wonders for me at a similar time in my life. Also, get off /r…

I recently started on Zoloft, and despite how afraid I was of it and how many bad experiences I read online, it's been fantastic. Could you elaborate more on your experience?

Re: Suicidal Software Developer

#179

Post by crpatino »

robg wrote: post #91

The reason suicide isn't logical is because there's no coming back from it. You're making a definitive judgement where one isn't possible. Any number of worthwhile things could happen with the rest of your life. If you're young, you'll likely have the chance to travel into space. That seems far from now, but then 20 years ago all phone calls were inside, our lives were dictated by where we lived, and we had just watc…

Appeal to reason is probably not the best strategy, suicide being the result of a mind surrounded in a storm of negative emotions. Not a neurologist or mental health professional, but from first hand experience I can tell:

* You may not commit suicide here and now because it is a one-way ticket to Hell, and an insult to God. So you are trained form childhood to suppress those thoughts at all cost.

* You may not commit suicide here and now because you fear that a loved one will find your corpse.

* You may also not commit suicide here and now for fear that your attempt will fail and you will end up crippled and your life will suck even more (and you may loose your ability to commit suicide latter).

* You may not commit suicide here and now because some people that is supposed to help you out completely drops the ball, so you get so pissed off that you break out of your melancholy out of sheer anger (this happened to me once, when I reached out to a church-operated emergency hot-line and nobody picked the damned phone).

Of course, you may always opt to do it later. But the point is that it all revolves around emotions, so any counter has to have a strong emotional component (either direct, or through the underlying neurochemical substrate).

Re: Suicidal Software Developer

#180

Post by igravious »

gobots wrote: post #110
igravious wrote: post #43

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Out of blatant curiosity I'd like to know how you came about leaving your birth religion. Any Jehovah's Witnesses I've met seem to be so ideologically committed to that religion that I have a hard time imagining how anyone could reach a place where they stopped identifying with it. Care to shed some light on this? Also, thanks for sharing!

The internet and some really shitty people that I worked with a while back saved me. Here's a bit of backstory. I believed 100% that I would never get old or die because Armageddon would come before then, the Earth would be restored to a paradise and sickness / death would be wiped out for good. I started preaching from door to door at age 5 and was baptized at age 11. My parents have been in since 8 years old, and t…

Truly remarkable.

I take it you saw the recent New York Times article about belief formation. It stated exactly what you say here, that direct attacks just strengthen a person's ideologies.

It sounds like you must have worked very hard to avoid self-knowledge. That's so sad. I'm really really happy for where you are now though. I've had countless conversations with religious fundamentalists that end in them asking me if I'd come along to their next meeting or if I'd like a leaflet and I always laugh (not in a bad way) at them and ask them did they not realize that I was trying to save _them_?

I'm sorry that your family relations are strained. It took me years to accept my father's strong faith for what it was and in the end I used to have really fun times debating him. (Though he never budged an iota.) Don't you think that the idea of the sacred and profane is deeply human? Seems like belief formation is hard-wired in so we need to collectively learn about how our brains work so we can fix our species.

Thanks for sharing. If you wrote your life's story I'd read it, I like your writing style a lot.

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