Suicidal Software Developer

The amount of self reflection in trying to find your own solution while in the deep is frankly impressive.

Speaking directly to OP.

A. Culture shock. I'm guessing that English isn't your first language. You're in London, an expensive and hard city. It's normal. (Hell, I had culture shock moving to New York City when I grew up in Pennsylvania, 3 hours away. I'd been there before and I still got it.) Some of my friends, who've moved from China or India to NYC or SF, got it a lot worse. It's really fucking difficult but it does get better. Yes, there'll be lonely nights and financial hardships, but the rewards are real as well.

B. Judgment of character. I'm guessing that this relationship (with the girl who dumped you) was one that meant more to you than to hear. That's normal, too, when you're starting out. I was an awful judge of character in my early 20s: bad relationships and even worse startups. It does get better. You learn the warning signs through trial and error (mostly error) and, one day, you're suddenly badass.

C. I'm guessing you're around 22-25. That's way too early to be thinking about having kids if you're living in a major city. I have friends who are MD-level at banks and hedge funds and started in their late 30s or early 40s. That's too late if you ask me, but it's what the game demands. Get your career in order first. You're not ready for kids.

D. Get yourself into therapy. No excuses. There's nothing to be ashamed of. The culture shock alone (which is difficult for completely normal people) is something you can use help with. It's really useful to have one person in your life who you see consistently, but that you have no other emotional relationship with. (Therapy isn't "paying someone to be your friend". It's paying someone who knows mental health issues and not part of your personal life to spend consistent time with you.) And if you have a biological illness then it's not your fault, and not something to be ashamed of, but you need to take responsibility for it. (The good news is that, for most people, treatment works.)

E. I'm bipolar, probably 85-90% remitted compared to my worst (ages 19-26). When I used to have suicidal thoughts, I looked at the people who wronged me and thought, "are these mediocre assclowns really worth my death?" The answer was always a resounding "no". So should yours be. Yes, I'm sure that some people have treated you badly. If you take enough risks (and if you're not taking risks, you're doing it wrong) you will encounter people who will harm you, often for no reason at all. They aren't worth your death. They aren't even worth you being unhappy. Just say "fuck him" and get on with your life.

Don't feed the trolls.

You may confuse the tidings of a bipolar disorder with external effects like co-workers. I think one of the most important part of dealing with depression is stopping to blame external circumstances, other people and even yourself. Come to think of it, stop blaming anything or anyone (like in buddhist phiĺosophy)!

Another part is to objectify suicidal thoughts. They are both extremely real, but caused by the disease and distorting reality. It's very easy to find reasons for suicidal thoughts, but they are hardly ever "true".