Suicide is a mortal sin. Try live somewhere else. Australia, Africa, Bulgaria, Island, New Zealand... and do not be a crybaby.
TempleOS much?
Suicidal Software Developer
71–80 of 258 posts
Re: Suicidal Software Developer
#72This is probably useless to anyone else, but this is an idea that popped into my head once when feeling suicidal: "if these is really the ultimate reality, and not a simulation, and since I have no reasons to believe that reality is not "ultimately" real, then suicide is simply something I'm not allowed to do! even if I reduce anything to pure selfishness, I simply cannot let the ideas in my head die, I am responsible for them! I must help them spread, I must help them develop, because they might completely change the world for the better! and no matter how small the chance of one of my ideas significantly changing the world, and of one of these ideas not being in other people's heads too, this chance simply cannot be taken... I cannot risk killing an idea that could change the future of the entire universe!"
...I know, it's probably one of the most narcissistic things you've ever heard, but as even Dalai Lama said: (paraphrasing) one must be able to love himself in order to be able to love others.
Re: Suicidal Software Developer
#73ofcourse suicide is illogical ! And since you are a logical person, here's a (partly) logical advice - Take a break. Go on a vacation, or even better, go on exploring. Its highly likely that you'll gain new perspective (followed by seeing new opportunities, and new interest). Don't leave the job unless you have a better option.
I disagree that suicide is illogical. There is nothing logical about a desire to continue existing. Logic simply has no bearing on such decisions.
This is why irrational drives are essential. Down there at the bottom of whatever logical structure you have built sits an irrational longing, desire or passion which keeps you going. For the OP it was a family and a drive for successful reproduction. It can be other things, too. Without a drive like this giving you a purpose, logic won't prevent you from self-destruction.
Re: Suicidal Software Developer
#74I had struggled with untreated suicidal depression for 15 years. I was very quiet about it. I am a web developer. Three years ago I was divorced from my wife, left my birth religion and quit my job. On top of all my issues I was suffering from burnout – I hadn't had a vacation in years. Since I was the religious guy at my job I worked the holidays and was promised make up time. Company policy shifted at some point an…
The amount of self reflection in trying to find your own solution while in the deep is frankly impressive.
"while in the deep"
May I steal/borrow this?
Re: Suicidal Software Developer
#75Hey, you need to get treatment for depression. Been there, done that.
You obviously have a lot of things going for yourself, so you're absolutely right about anything else being illogical. It will pass. All the best!
Re: Suicidal Software Developer
#76Earlier quoted context omitted.
I second this. Get a dog. You never know who you'll meet when spending time with that guy, you two might even find yourselves a new family. Do it, OP.
Dogs require taking care of. For someone who is clinically depressed and has huge problems with properly taking care of themselves, taking care of someone else might be extremely exhausting. It can also lead to blaming oneself for not treating the dog properly, regardless of how it's treated. Trust me, I've seen this in people with clinical depression.
Yes. That's so important to note.
Pets can go both ways. I've been in depressed states where my pets were the only thing keeping me going. I didn't want to live any more, but who would take care of my pets? I had to force myself to function so that the pets didn't starve or live in their own feces. That constant, gentle kick in the ass was what I needed a lot of the time.
Like you say, it can unfortunately cut the other way as well. Dogs are an especially high-risk proposition because they are a big time and money commitment, and if a person is feeling overwhelmed already... that could be trouble.
Possible compromise: volunteer at an animal shelter?
Re: Suicidal Software Developer
#77I've been there. You can and will get through this. Make a commitment to getting better, starting now. Take small steps and don't beat yourself up if you fall back a little sometimes. My best to you!
Re: Suicidal Software Developer
#78Hey, there.
I'm also based in London, and I may not understand your situation, but if you wanna meet for a pint and talk, I'm happy to do so.
Take care mate.
Re: Suicidal Software Developer
#79I had struggled with untreated suicidal depression for 15 years. I was very quiet about it. I am a web developer. Three years ago I was divorced from my wife, left my birth religion and quit my job. On top of all my issues I was suffering from burnout – I hadn't had a vacation in years. Since I was the religious guy at my job I worked the holidays and was promised make up time. Company policy shifted at some point an…
Winter is particularly difficult for me. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seasonal_affective_disorder pretty much describes it perfectly. Vitamin D deficiency is huge and easy for someone with the sedentary lifestyle most of us lead. At the bare minimum, proper supplements helped me or just getting out in the sun with the intent that I need to recharge so to speak.
I think your key points help me in my spells as well: stay busy. To a degree I mask thoughts by simply overloading my brain enough that I simply can't think about them. It works and honestly I'm not one to care for what is considered healthy. At some point in my life I realized it's more important to find whatever works than to worry if it's useful or long term. I'm not in a pit of despair any more and frankly I don't care how I get out any more. At least not when the pit gets really big or deep like it desperately keeps trying to do.
I'm glad you found what works for you but I don't believe you have to take the minimalist approach you did. I'm glad it's working but we should strive to be at the top of our game. It does feel like a house of cards willing to topple at any moment but if you're anything like me, 99.9% of the obstacles you faced were entirely self-inflicted. I want success but it feels so awkward when I'm achieving it seemingly without any effort that I have to dick it up somehow to feel "normal" if that makes sense.
Re: Suicidal Software Developer
#80I had struggled with untreated suicidal depression for 15 years. I was very quiet about it. I am a web developer. Three years ago I was divorced from my wife, left my birth religion and quit my job. On top of all my issues I was suffering from burnout – I hadn't had a vacation in years. Since I was the religious guy at my job I worked the holidays and was promised make up time. Company policy shifted at some point an…
Not knocking ya mate but getting a religious education from the likes of Dawkins, Hitchens and Sagan is like taking dance lessons from Stephen Hawking, just saying.