Ask HN: Educating a child who is severely behind

I thought that once; then she and I broke up and I haven't seen the kid since (sadly). So it goes.

I don't, honestly, think that possible outcome is something worth dewelling on; once you start feeling like a parent, the whole 'apply love' thing is entirely unavoidable.

But please do remember that "I fully intend" may at some point make contact with a reality hostile to your intentions, and at least consider the possibility you may one day need a plan Z.

> when he says "yewwow worrwy" you say "Yes! That's right! Yellow Lorry!"

Yes, I was looking through this thread for this. It's counter-intuitive, but I really believe it's best to nod and encourage any behavior that is headed in the right direction. I learned this trick from a foreign language teacher.

Converse.

Asking questions like "what flavour of juice do you want?" will encourage a reply of "apple" or "orange" rather than a monosyllabic yes/no.

Being ok with whatever the closest approximation of that word you're going to get is and then repeating back the correct pronunciation (as mentioned in another comment) makes this a lot less stressful than it sounds.

If the kid's mother is the primary source of unconditional cuddles, considering becoming the primary source of respect. When I was in a similar sounding situation, the desire to be "daddy's big boy" was a powerful motivating factor for getting him to stretch his abilities.

Also, though ... the fact you care enough to have started this at all suggests that the parenting circuits have kicked in (or ... whatever you want to call it; let's just say I know the "oh shit, I appear to feel like a parent ... ok, wow, this is amazing also I AM SCARED AS HELL OF DOING IT WRONG" feeling) and that combined with a little common sense will go a LONG way.

If you've already "been told his rate of development has been remarkable since (you) became involved" ... you may be micro-optimising something that's already proceeding pretty efficiently already.

I work with children with special needs. There are lots of things you can do in everyday interactions with your child. When he speaks to you, articulate back what you think he said clearly as a role model for him. Wherever possible, try and help him be as independent as possible. If I had a pound for everytime things are done for children, when it's completely within their means to do a task independently (e.g. getting dressed etc.) After a long time of being dependent on an adult, children give up and wait for things to be done for them and they can become very passive and almost 'lazy'.

When it comes to toilet training, make it as stress free as possible and offer rewards (whatever he really likes). Make sure that he knows what he has to do for the reward and try and make the completion of it as realistic for him as possible (i.e. don't make it near impossible for him to try- obvious, I know but the amount of times I've seen children given something that I think is difficult for me).

Also, if possible, get a professional involved - start with a General Practitioner if you're not sure, but you can also go to an educational psychologist who should assess and then give you recommendations of what your child needs to make further progress. Sometimes these can be simple adaptations to what you're already doing (we do lots of adaptations in the school where I work to remove barriers to learning).

Other than that, good luck - raising a child is one of the hardest jobs you can do.

I'm not a speech therapist or anything like that, but I'm a father of a 4 year old with an autism spectrum disorder. So, take my words with a grain of salt.

Regarding speech, I think the most important thing is being patient. No rush, avoid putting the kid under any kind of pressure. I'm saying this as someone who had done the opposite and is now sure it only made things worse. But you should probably try different approaches. Some prefer highly structured approaches, like ABA. I hate ABA because it's like training a dog. Besides, it made no positive impact on my child (it was probably negative). Yes, she did learn a couple of new words, but she doesn't use any of them in the "real world". Every single word she uses actively she learned while playing, exploring, listening to us, you know, doing all the small, everyday things. Also, I too have a book recommendation -- I have just read "It Takes Two To Talk" (look it up on Amazon -- unfortunately it doesn't appear to have the "look/search inside" functionality available. I can give you some more details when I get back home, email me if you're interested) and I suggest you to take a look. It's very simple, practical and essentially, common sense (most of the other books on the topic I've read aren't exactly like that). But it'll save you so much time. You'll be up to speed in two days, instead of, say, 6 months. There's another book on the same topic I heard was great, but the title escapes me right now :( I ordered it a couple of days ago, so I guess I'm going to know the title again really soon :)

Regarding potty training, what worked for us is: first, it's absolutely crucial the kid is at home all the time for this to work. So, no kindergarten. Second, whatever your specific approach is (I suggest you watch the kid's body signs and always have the potty available :), do it for one week. If it doesn't work, stop. Wait for a month or two, then try again (possibly using some other approach). When the kid is ready it'll just happen.

Please keep in mind that I'm no childcare professional. Also, there are many conflicting approaches. For example, I'm sure someone will tell you, for example, that ABA is great. And maybe it really is, for some kids. I guess you'll have to experiment a lot. Good luck! And don't rush. Just don't rush.