Being Suicidal: What it feels like to want to kill yourself

I tried to do it once. It's a really terrible place to be in. I tried to take a knife to my wrists but failed, then ate all the drugs I had on my shelf. Knocked myself out, and woke up in my own vomit with very sore wrists, not a cent to my name and all my credit cards maxed out from online gambling. The lowest point of my life.

There was a build up leading up to that point, I had previously fantasized and romanticized about it.

For me being suicidal was like being down an inescapable black hole. Managing depression was similar. When hard times hit, it's all too easy to let your mind slip down this black hole and start feeling suicidal and depressed, I have to fight to not go to that place mentally. But when you're feeling low and you can feel yourself slipping into this black hole it's very tempting to allow yourself to fall right in.

For me also being suicidal was a deeply visceral experience, and also an experience of high perceived clarity. Mentally I felt very clear and focused.

It was also a time of uncontrollable and intense emotion. I felt deeply emotional about life and humanity in general, with small moments of shame. It was also a time of high desperation, and a place I could see no escape from. It was a very strong cocktail of negative emotions which are hard enough to deal with individually. Life as it appeared around me I perceived as meaningless and vacuous. The path of least resistance to get through each day was cynicism. Sometimes when I watch the TV or news I had uncontrollable surges of very intense empathy which would cause me to cry. It's very hard to articulate exactly how low and desperate I felt.

Fortunately for me my family were always there for me, and now I feel I am better. Even though at times I did not recognise they were there for me, they were and they were acting on it. Eventually I started to recognise it and very slowly I started to make things better.

I really don't think there was any other way for me to escape it all except with the help of my family. I dread to think what would of become of me if I didn't have that support network. I feel if I did not have that support network, I do not think I would have escaped alive. For suicidal people in worse position than I was I do not know how you would go about helping them.

Would that make a difference? Probably not, the depressed person isn't dumb they know they are depressed. Much like if you had hallucinations that the sky was red it wouldn't matter how scientifically certain you are the sky is blue you see red. Perhaps that is a good way to describe it to someone who hasn't felt it, having emotional hallucinations in which every thing brings about fear and loathing even things that should result in joy.

>Would that make a difference?

Let's assume you are a very avid programmer and love nothing more than coding and to you it is the most natural thing in the world, then let's assume someone comes along and tells you your view is just warped, corrupted and you have no idea what you are talking about. However clumsy that analogy is, how would you feel in that situation? Would your first, intuitive gut reaction be "You know, they might be right...I should have become a doctor or a lawyer and that's what I am going to do right now!"? Chances are you would feel affronted, offended and ultimately like the person does not understand you and has no idea what they are talking about. Completely regardless of whether they might be on to something and a different career choice might be "better", mind you. We only observe what your reaction would be to someone basically trampling on your view of the world.

From my point of view and self-observations, when you are severely depressed or suicidal, that is your view of the world and suffering from it, you have a hundred million reasons and scenarios played out in your head just why you are absolutely right to feel the way you do, why you deserve to be miserable and why you have no business being here anymore or why your only escape is to leave. The very fact that it has become so ingrained in you and you cannot just "flip a switch" and think and feel differently, that is the very thing that makes it depression and suicidal thoughts, that you CANNOT just magically escape because you are a world champion in convincing yourself why you are right to feel the way you do. Now along comes someone and tells you "You are just imagining that, people react very positive towards you, you are such a nice person! Your view is just warped, you are making it harder on yourself...". Now, how would that make you feel?

For me, it feels like my issues were not appreciated and the other person just does not understand the extent of my torment, they cannot relate, they don't understand anyway... see, nobody understands. At the same time, I know how egotistical and self-centered and warped that view is; I have a strange analytical way of looking at myself, it surprises even counselors. Yet, I could not change a single thing. Either I am watching, armchair analyzing myself like a lab rat or I am "in character" and suffering. Anyone telling me my view is "warped" usually ends up causing a huge quarrel because no matter how much I try to make them understand, of course they counter every point I throw at them to "fix me" and that soon leads to anger and feeling even worse because CLEARLY nobody understands me! Of course this is just my point of view, mind you.

What CAN you do or say? I think stop trying to convince them they are wrong; stop trying to "flip a switch", no matter how much you try with the very best intentions and your deepest love, you won't find a switch or the right combination of logic reasoning to just "snap the person out of it". I know this must be terrible to hear if you watch someone you love suffer like that, I am sorry. I can honestly not think of a better thing to do... don't push them in any direction or look for switches to flip, also don't belittle it like "you'll get better!" or "nah it can't be that bad!". I think just give them emotional support, hug, hold, let them cry, share honest(!) compassion... above anything, don't try to fix but be there and show them support in that way. Don't give them up, keep inviting them out or offering to come over even after they have said "no" or made up some excuse the last 5 times. Also, don't take some offensive words they say or tantrums they throw too serious. Generally try to not judge a depressed person too quickly, even if they are acting like major assholes... it's just more a passive-aggressive desperate cry for help, feel mercy for them, like for a wounded animal snarling.

Last and most importantly, speaking out of my own experience and I know this will not sound like a popular suggestion but I think it is vital: be selfish enough to not give too much of yourself! You can only get very emotionally invested and involved in a depressed person for so long before it can strongly affect you and seriously spin you out of control when their emotional abyss starts to sound all too logical and convincing and all of a sudden you find yourself staring down the same hole. Be wary of that, you have every right to, don't feel bad about protecting yourself - much like fire fighters won't blindly risk their own life. Never think that it is your role to "fix them"! Your role, if anything, is to just support however much you see fit and are able to safely give - it is a professional's role to provide them with ways of healing and "fixing" and they have their own ways of coping with it. I know for myself, when I see it in a person, I intentionally wall-off and protect myself because I know, I am in no safe position to take on more emotional baggage. It took me a LONG time to realize this and do this to protect myself. I know this sounds incredibly selfish but I know why I am doing this and I think everyone involved with a suicidal person should think about this too. Get them professional help.

Small things that seem to do wonders for me: taking a walk, go have a few beers with good friends and cleaning up my place. You can help with that and I think it does wonders, considering how little it is that you are actually doing. I think it is the thought of making something better with your own hands that can create quite a positive pull. And there is no shortage of little exercises your counselor can suggest or asks you to do. Seemingly silly things like writing down a few good qualities about yourself, things you are good at.

I've been in the position of being that someone else a few times, most recently last night, so please excuse any incoherence due to sleep deprivation.

My wife suffers from bipolar disorder, which is mostly characterised in her by periods of intense depression, which in her case can at times lead to making conclusions that externally make no sense at all. Things like "I'm going to kill myself because it will make life better for you. You can stop looking after me and go and find someone normal and have a happy life." She'll tell me these things completely seriously, as if its the only possible conclusion that could be come to given the available facts.

No amount of talking that over, and explaining how precisely the opposite would happen, will change her mind. The best I can do is to get her into hospital until the depression passes.

I imagine for straight depression, especially where it is more situational than chemical, and depending upon the person, it may be possible to look at things rationally and persuade them that there are other options. I would advise to be incredibly careful doing that though, since they may sit and agree with you just to reassure you and get you out of the way.

Some of the most admired people are severely depressed and suicidal, people you would consider to be "contributing" and outstanding members of society. I must say, I don't think you have any clue what you are talking about and your "evolutionary" theory is just abominable and the relocation theory is childish. These feelings follow you wherever you go, relocating might temporarily give momentum but without proper help it is useless if we are talking suicide and severe depression.