Being ambitious and being a dad • Hacker News Board

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#651

Post by cma256 » Wed, Aug 19, 2026, 5:26 PM UTC

superxpro12 wrote: post #556

kakacik wrote: post #413

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Thats why, when divorcing in Switzerland, retirement savings are bundled and then split equally between two. So if woman was a stay-at-home mum, she still gets good savings. If both brought cca same income, not much changes.

i would LOVE to get that in front of some conservative southern congressmen in america if only to watch them self immolate from the rage

Are you American? The US has community and equitable distribution schemes. 50% of all assets is the default under both schemes with alimony regularly awarded to women to make up for lack of income.

Changing divorce laws to be less equitable, as far as I know, has never been a major platform of either party in the South. I'm not aware of any politician that advocates for it. I'm sure it exists but it must be an incredibly marginal view.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#652

Post by sailfast » Wed, Aug 19, 2026, 5:29 PM UTC

nichochar wrote: post #625

sailfast wrote: post #534

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The article is not talking about having "a great career" (which you can have while also having good balance and focusing on things). To me, the article is more a lament. There is only so much time in this life, and if you're organized (I read that to mean intentional in your execution and not wasting time) then you apply that time to your highest priority. Work / building things / personal hobbies / your partner / yo…

i really like your framing, this encapsulates the problem very consisely: > Time is finite. Desire / drive are not. Solve for X

Thank you! That's very kind. It's definitely not an easy equation to solve and is a constant moving target :)

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#653

Post by spidercat » Wed, Aug 19, 2026, 5:34 PM UTC

afc wrote: post #292

Gareth321 wrote: post #266

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Agreed. I'm well travelled. Have had a very fun and satisfying dating life. A great career. Accomplished many life goals. Nothing comes close to fatherhood. Which frustrates me immensely, because I feel that society at large did everything it could to convince me that parenthood is terrible. Movies and TV shows portrayed only the bad. Teachers told me that becoming a parent was the worst thing in the whole world. A w…

Interesting perspective. Your first paragraph also describes my experience, perfectly. However, even though I also think nothing comes even close to parenthood for me, my perspective is that society strongly encourages —I'd even say strongly pressures— people to have kids, to feel that if you don't, it's almost like something is wrong with you. Maybe we're just different generations? :-)

Yeah, speaking as a female-bodied person here - undoubtedly a minority on this site - I absolutely feel the pressure to have children in society, pretty much every day.

Look at the "birth rate" discourse that's been going on. There's tremendous pressure on women to have more babies. There's also a lot of pendulum-swinging in the opposite direction with your edgy "antinatalists", in some sort of weird "overcorrection" or some such, but ultimately those voices are much louder online than in real life.

Fewer people are reproducing, but that doesn't mean the pressures to do so aren't still there. "It's complicated."

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#654

Post by spidercat » Wed, Aug 19, 2026, 5:36 PM UTC

graemep wrote: post #500

afc wrote: post #292

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Interesting perspective. Your first paragraph also describes my experience, perfectly. However, even though I also think nothing comes even close to parenthood for me, my perspective is that society strongly encourages —I'd even say strongly pressures— people to have kids, to feel that if you don't, it's almost like something is wrong with you. Maybe we're just different generations? :-)

Different generations, different places, exactly where you are in your society, religious influences, your immediate social circle, how much time you spend on social media.... Certainly in the UK there is a group of people who have become very negative about having kids, partly because they are scared of the expense, and partly because society makes it look so hard, and partly because they genuinely have less support…

Pregnancy is also a really scary prospect for a lot of people (myself included), and there doesn't seem to be much work done in trying to make it, well, less shitty of an experience. "It's just how it is," but... is it really? Does it really need to be so bad?

Not to mention that "it takes a village", but in many places the village has been basically stolen from us.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#655

Post by Xeoncross » Wed, Aug 19, 2026, 5:37 PM UTC

K0balt wrote: post #463

For me (father of 5 adult children, +2) being an older man and an experienced father (and grandfather as well) my parental responsibilities have largely changed what being ambitious means. As a man in my late 30s to 40s, I was ambitious in a fairly conventional sense, although my focus was a little unconventionally centered. Over the last decade or so, my focus has drifted to ways I can prepare my family for, or infl…

Watching time compress as you age is indeed illuminating.

Another thing is arguments you have as a child with an adult. It's not that kids are always "technically" wrong when they argue their cases or reasons for things - It's that you realize how impactful actions/words are and often technical details don't matter as much as the grand scheme of things.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#656

Post by the_af » Wed, Aug 19, 2026, 5:38 PM UTC

OvervCW wrote: post #493

mysterydip wrote: post #485

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I was on the fence for a long time as well. It just looked like a lot of work. And not to sugar coat it, it _is_ a lot of work. But it’s also been so rewarding. You get to see someone experience things for the first time, like riding a bike or eating a tomato. Teaching them it’s ok to have feelings, helping them overcome their fears, watching them make friends. Giving them the advice I wished I had heard from someone…

Surely a lot of this can be experienced by associating with parents and their children rather than having them yourself, right? This may sound somewhat reductive, and please correct me if that is the case, but I find that I can be around and play with my nephew and experience all of this wonder and how he progresses through life, while not being around for the sleepless nights and tantrums that I feel are the "work"…

> Surely a lot of this can be experienced by associating with parents and their children rather than having them yourself, right?

No, not really.

Also not the same as being the cool uncle/aunt, though that can give you a lightweight preview. I know because I went through this myself, I was so involved with my nephews I became their favorite uncle by far, and to this day they still remind me of this.

In reality, only being an actual parent can give you the true experience. Nothing else comes close.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#657

Post by connoronthejob » Wed, Aug 19, 2026, 5:40 PM UTC

avgDev wrote: post #627

ron_woods wrote: post #503

Sorry if this offends anyone but why must we choose between having a great career and being a great parent. Why is it a zero-sum game? Want to be great at something neglect your children to do so. Want to be a great parent, fine you have a mediocre career. From the article you are ambitious about building things. Well guess what children are, the ultimate piece of clay from which you get a front row seat to mold. If…

I used to think, wow progressing is so easy, why doesn't everyone just read a technical book, documentation or take a course after work. I then had a child. The time is just gone. Having children is extremely time consuming. I have my own health issues, but now I am responsible for one more person. Morning routine takes 1 - 1.5 hours by the time my kid is dropped off at school. He hates getting up, so by the time I'm…

100%. I wonder how many of us have the exact same day.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#658

Post by the_af » Wed, Aug 19, 2026, 5:42 PM UTC

wat10000 wrote: post #548

mysterydip wrote: post #485

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I was on the fence for a long time as well. It just looked like a lot of work. And not to sugar coat it, it _is_ a lot of work. But it’s also been so rewarding. You get to see someone experience things for the first time, like riding a bike or eating a tomato. Teaching them it’s ok to have feelings, helping them overcome their fears, watching them make friends. Giving them the advice I wished I had heard from someone…

To offer a contrasting opinion, I was on the fence, went for it, and it was a big mistake. Unfortunately, it's impossible to be sure what it'll be like until you try it. And there's no undo button. I would strongly recommend not having children until you're absolutely sure you want to.

> I would strongly recommend not having children until you're absolutely sure you want to.

That's good advice. I'll add the caveat that sometimes you cannot be entirely sure (few things in life are so clear cut), but if you truly hesitate, don't do it. Also don't do it for the sake of a partner who insists, or to save your relationship. Big mistake; children are neither bargaining chips nor bets that can pay off.

If you're leaning towards "yes", however, I think it can be a wonderful (if hard!) experience.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#659

Post by frodo76 » Wed, Aug 19, 2026, 5:42 PM UTC

Building things into your middle and late middle age is a waste of your talents. You're not as good at building things as you were in your youth. Einstein's output drastically went down after say 1919 or so.

That doesn't mean you don't have something to offer, you do. You're better off teaching and guiding others to carry on the work as you get older. They'll appreciate you for it rather than you selfishly doing it all yourself. Raise your children as if they are your most important project because they are. The work will carry on without you.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#660

Post by glerk » Wed, Aug 19, 2026, 5:43 PM UTC

spicyusername wrote: post #398

The older I get the more I realize ambition and "being ambitious" is a completely misplaced way to orient your life. The chance of validation from others is not a good reason for making one choice or another and a life made of choices of that kind will eventually leave you spiritually bankrupt. Make decisions based on what you're passionate about, based on what will bring and keep meaningful relationships into your l…

> The older I get the more I realize ambition and "being ambitious" is a completely misplaced way to orient your life.

The older you get, the closer you get to being a corpse. That's not something to be proud of :)

I don't necessarily disagree with the rest of your comment in spirit, but you are conflating "ambition" with "seeking validation from others". The most passionate and driven people I know are intrinsically motivated and have ideals that go beyond social validation.