Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Being ambitious and being a dad

nicholascharriere.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

621–630 of 802 posts

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#621

Post by __turbobrew__ »

Aeolun wrote: post #185
xp84 wrote: post #87

I have a good friend who has a special needs kid and we've discussed his struggles at length - suffice it to say that it takes an order of magnitude more time and attention than what's described here. The thing is, you of course don't get tipped off that you've been selected for that particular curse (and yes, I'd say it's a curse. It's not some inspiring after-school special thing, it's unfair as f*k to all involved…

The gamble is basically only a gamble if you wait longer. The graph for pre-35 parents is practically nonexistent. I could live with the 2% chance at 42, but not with the 15% at 45. Where the chance is of random abnormalities. Who knows what exciting variant you get.

Most chromosome defects (trisomy) can be screened for now. NIPT is effective at 9 weeks pregnant and the technology is only going to get better.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#622

Post by fdgfikgfv »

Derbasti wrote: post #252
marssaxman wrote: post #32

The passionate hunger to do something significant and meaningful with my life was a major reason I took care never to have any children. Having grown up in a large family within a religious subculture full of other large families, the amount of time and attention children consume was crystal clear from a young age, and I knew that I was going to need every scrap of energy I could spare for the work I wanted to do. Ye…

> The passionate hunger to do something significant and meaningful with my life was a major reason I took care never to have any children. Raising kids is probably the most meaningful and significant thing I have done with my life.

I love my kids and would do anything for them. But at the same time, I really don't feel it is a big deal. Humans and animals been having kids for millions of years. It is just basic animal instinct to procreate and raise your offspring.

It is like basic human instinct is to consume and store calories. And there is nothing wrong with it. But to become athlete and win a gold medal, that requires going against these basic instincts. That means eating healthier and working out instead of preserving calories.

Having kids is great but to achieve something great in life, does require going against your basic instincts and not procreate. Or if you do have kids, then not be a good parent.

I had my startup dreams but after having kids, biology kicked in and startup dreams got deprioritized. But I made peace with it and I enjoy my quiet basic life with my kids. I just know I will not do anything significant and that is totally okay.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#623

Post by hypertexthero »

> As long as there is the desire to gain, to achieve, to become, at whatever level, there is inevitably anxiety, sorrow, fear. The ambition to be rich, to be this or that, drops away only when we see the rottenness, the corruptive nature of ambition itself. The moment we see that the desire for power in any form — for the power of a prime minister, of a judge, of a priest, of a guru — is fundamentally evil, we no longer have the desire to be powerful. But we don't see that ambition is corrupting, that the desire for power is evil; on the contrary, we say that we shall use power for good — which is all nonsense. A wrong means can never be used towards a right end. If the means is evil, the end will also be evil. Good is not the opposite of evil; it comes into being only when that which is evil has utterly ceased. > > So, if we don't understand the whole significance of desire, with its results, its by-products, merely to try to get rid of desire has no meaning.

—Jiddu Krishnamurti, Think on These Things

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#624

Post by vadoff »

spicyusername wrote: post #398

The older I get the more I realize ambition and "being ambitious" is a completely misplaced way to orient your life. The chance of validation from others is not a good reason for making one choice or another and a life made of choices of that kind will eventually leave you spiritually bankrupt. Make decisions based on what you're passionate about, based on what will bring and keep meaningful relationships into your l…

Being ambitious doesn't necessarily mean you're aiming for validation. It means you're aiming for a goal that's challenging. What drives that ambition is what matters.

Many are driven by a desire to create real change, a desire to build, to solve a problem, and/or help people. Many do it simply because it's fun, but it doesn't make them any less ambitious.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#625

Post by nichochar »

sailfast wrote: post #534
ron_woods wrote: post #503

Sorry if this offends anyone but why must we choose between having a great career and being a great parent. Why is it a zero-sum game? Want to be great at something neglect your children to do so. Want to be a great parent, fine you have a mediocre career. From the article you are ambitious about building things. Well guess what children are, the ultimate piece of clay from which you get a front row seat to mold. If…

The article is not talking about having "a great career" (which you can have while also having good balance and focusing on things). To me, the article is more a lament. There is only so much time in this life, and if you're organized (I read that to mean intentional in your execution and not wasting time) then you apply that time to your highest priority. Work / building things / personal hobbies / your partner / yo…

i really like your framing, this encapsulates the problem very consisely:

> Time is finite. Desire / drive are not. Solve for X

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#626

Post by nichochar »

logical_ferry1 wrote: post #365
ronbenton wrote: post #359

Hits hard. I know this is wrong, but I often find myself resentful when I see colleagues burning the midnight oil (or otherwise putting in time that I no longer have) in service of career progression. I think the author is spot on about ruthlessly optimizing the time you do have, though. That seems to be the only way to keep up.

> I often find myself resentful when I see colleagues burning the midnight oil I don't care, especially with AI. I just let it do all the work and I take credit. Plus career progression after a certain point is useless - more responsibilities for smaller increases in paycheck. I found that being a senior developer is the sweet spot for me - others have to think about the product and requirements and communicate and I…

these people have ai too. AI increases competition amongst the ambitious, so it doesn't solve the problem

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#627

Post by avgDev »

ron_woods wrote: post #503

Sorry if this offends anyone but why must we choose between having a great career and being a great parent. Why is it a zero-sum game? Want to be great at something neglect your children to do so. Want to be a great parent, fine you have a mediocre career. From the article you are ambitious about building things. Well guess what children are, the ultimate piece of clay from which you get a front row seat to mold. If…

I used to think, wow progressing is so easy, why doesn't everyone just read a technical book, documentation or take a course after work.

I then had a child. The time is just gone. Having children is extremely time consuming. I have my own health issues, but now I am responsible for one more person. Morning routine takes 1 - 1.5 hours by the time my kid is dropped off at school. He hates getting up, so by the time I'm done I would love to crawl back into bed.

After school it is dinner time, we try to cook and eat healthy. After dinner it is bed time. If I have time to watch a show or just talk to my wife for an hour without being interrupted, I'm happy.

Having a child is great, but if you are committed and involved parent, there isn't much time or energy left to do anything but work and child.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#628

Post by nichochar »

crassus_ed wrote: post #272

Love the article. One question; how do you unwind? I think it's achievable to spend enough time on both your career and your children, but consequently personal time will suffer. How do you balance that?

Healthy things. For me its riding a bike, which is magical because i) its solo activity so my brain meditates ii) its healthy but no shocks on my knees and body iii) its technology free, no notifications on a bike

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#629

Post by nichochar »

pedrofromri wrote: post #504

I love reading content like this. It makes me feel sane in very insane times.

my read is that PG is one of the lucky people who was very successful before kids, so he could just put YC in self-driving mode by handing off to the next generation and his life's work still feels meaningful.

I think it's very different if you have not achieved your life's work yet.

Re: Being ambitious and being a dad

#630

Post by CocaKoala »

alphabeta3r56 wrote: post #337
russelldjimmy wrote: post #274

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Agree with the sibling comment. As a new father, nothing - and I mean absolutely nothing - can describe the love, adoration and reverence that parents feel for their children. To be understood, it must be experienced. There is simply no other way.

Thanks for the answer. And I understand that. But for me, that answer is potentially a very biased answer. Is it a feeling that comes naturally or is it forced in the sense that you realise you are everything for the kid and the kid is everything for you and both you the kid have no other choice. Talking to a lot of people (bit you) i felt it was more the latter.

I think it comes mostly naturally.

Babies have no guile or instinct to deceive; they literally can't even conceive of doing so because their worldview just isn't developed enough. So when your baby cries, you can have absolute faith that it's because there's some problem that needs solving or need that is unmet, and then you can go and solve the problem, fill the need, and the baby is happy. And when the baby's happy, you have absolute faith that it's because you were there doing the thing. There's no pretense to the relationship at all, and it's a sort of unusual honesty that can be really hard to find in relationships where both parties understand basic facts like "there is a world of people outside myself" and "people don't have special insight into my interior being and I can give them information that doesn't fully reflect the state of the world".

So that kind of honest exchange does a lot to foster love and adoration from you to the child, and the fact that you're there providing food, shelter, comfort et all to the baby fosters love and adoration from them to you.

My kid is just under 18 months old now. He's old enough to have distinct ideas about what he wants to do, and when he wants to do it, and he's old enough to understand that not getting to do the thing that he wants is really upsetting, so he cries. That's hard sometimes. But if I'm relaxing on the couch and he brings a book over to me, I can know with absolute faith that it's because right now, what he wants more than anything in the world is to sit in my lap and have me read a book to him, and that feels amazing. When he goes and hides behind the kitchen island and then jumps out, it's because the thing he wants to do more than anything else is play peekaboo with me, and that feels amazing too.

Post reply on HN