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Having Kids (2019)

paulgraham.com

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Re: Having Kids (2019)

#181

Post by Xcelerate »

I’ve always wanted kids, ever since I was a kid myself, but I was never really sure what it would be like to be a parent.

Turns out it’s quite strange, because my kids bring me more joy than anything else. I’ll sit there for hours watching them play. You may think “that’s not strange—tons of parents say that”, but for my sort of personality, it’s very strange. I’ve always thought of myself as sort of overly analytical, detached, ambitious, and a bit obsessive. Not the sort of touchy-feely person who chases a two year old around with a smile on my face and likes watching videos of cute babies. Yet here I am. I enjoy it so much I’ve even tried to figure out if there’s a way I can take a sabbatical from work to spend the last two years with my youngest at home before he goes off to school (seems unlikely given how questions about a random two year gap on my resume might affect my long-term career).

It’s funny that as a kid I always wanted to work at a tech company for the interesting tech, but now as an adult my favorite thing about it has been the 4 months of parental leave I was able to have with each newborn.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#182

Post by hamdingers »

foxglacier wrote: post #152
corry wrote: post #28

This is one of my favourites from PG, not least because it's a bit antithetical to what I perceive as a growing trend among smart, ambitious people (for whom children might represent friction, inconvenience, etc)... as well as folks for whom COL is making the question irrelevant due to practical concerns. Actually, it's really striking that even in America -- the developed country with the #1 highest birthrate -- sti…

Kids cost time, not money. So the wealthier you are, the more difficult it is because you probably have less free time. You can pay someone else to raise your kids (daycare/etc.) but then you lose a lot of the value of having kids. This bullshit excuse that somebody can't afford to have kids is proven wrong by the fact that poorer people have more kids than rich people. You can even be unemployed. Gone are the days o…

> Kids cost time, not money.

There's a well known aphorism about this...

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#183

Post by Layogtima »

bdangubic wrote: post #177
mchaver wrote: post #164

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think there are many ways to connect deeply to humanity and you are being dismissive of those other experiences. Yours is just another anecdote amongst the ones I presented. Would you dismiss your kids experiences if they decide not to have kids? I would not.

name one that would make me care about what happens to earth after I depart?

Sounds like you could use a soul

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#184

Post by com2kid »

phatfish wrote: post #103
drfloyd51 wrote: post #14

Before kids it was easy to judge bad parents. Then one day with child I found myself due to circumstances in a store way past my child’s bedtime. She was screaming and crying, because it was way past her bedtime. Then I realized… I was now “the bad parent” I had so easily judged. Then it was easy to judge parents with children younger than mine. Until I learned that not all children have the same issues in the same o…

Badly behaved kids I am more understanding of now (at least the younger ones). But there are defintely easy ways out of problems some parents take that are not good for children.

Yeah, with a kid I still judge. I'd rather see kids running around and playing and being kids in public than on a tablet. Even grocery shopping I see toddlers on tablets sitting in the cart.

My son has been actively involved with meal planning since he as a a year and a half old. "What type of bread today? What type of fruit in your yogurt tomorrow?"

I won't judge kid's behavior, so long as they are acting like kids. Sometimes that means they act out, that is normal.

But, damnit, let them live in the real world and not just try to distract them with shiny things all the time.

I remember going to restaurants in the 90s and early 2000s and kids would be running around playing with each other between tables. That is kids being kids, and it is perfectly acceptable (heck desirable!)

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#185

Post by mekdoonggi »

Trasmatta wrote: post #155

I'm 36, and unlikely to ever have kids. I'm both very grateful for the freedom that's afforded me in life, and occasionally feel grief for parts of the human experience I'll never feel.

I have a kid and it's the greatest joy ever but I am very lucky. It's totally okay to grieve that, but I often tell other childfree folks: there are many things you can do to feel a similar kind of joy. Mentoring, volunteering, caring for friends etc. Having the joy of working for others and emotionally investing doesn't have to be exclusive.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#186

Post by matsemann »

lou1306 wrote: post #165
matsemann wrote: post #39

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My problem with that wording is that it comes across a bit arrogant or "I know better". I think many people _do_ understand what you mean even if they don't have kids, they're just not that interested in those parts of life, which also should be fair.

My problem with that problem is that, well, people who have kids definitionally know (better?) about having them. Like being able to experience a book in its original version vs a translation. It's okay if you don't want to learn Spanish, but when people discuss the struggles and delights of reading Cien Años de Soledad they're not necessarily being arrogant, just stating their lived experience.

But do you also go around and claim everyone that hasn't read that book in Spanish is losing out in life, or do you also recognize it's just not for everyone?

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#187

Post by com2kid »

Trasmatta wrote: post #151
socalgal2 wrote: post #150

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I still judge parents, because I compare them to other parents. Good parents = kids not 100% glued to phones/tablets, social around friends and family, not throwing tantrums at 8-16 yrs old. Bad parents = kids always throwing tantrums, kids basically always getting their way because they've learned parents will always give in, parents and kids 100% ignoring each other. One set of friends - I go to visit, I play with…

> Bad parents = kids always throwing tantrums But sometimes there are legit behavioral issues that are extremely challenging, and are not the parent's fault. Sometimes what looks like a "tantrum" on the outside can actually be autistic overwhelm and meltdown, which can happen with even the best parents. Not to mention stuff like Intermittent Explosive Disorder. All this to say...if you see a kid in public throwing a…

There is a difference between kids using bad behavior to get attention or blackmail parents vs kids who have actual behavioral problems they are working through.

The first is an actual problem stemming from bad parenting and as a society we should indeed shame parents who raise spoiled kids who expect everything to be given to them.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#188

Post by whateveracct »

eloisant wrote: post #147
jen729w wrote: post #47

Kids aren’t for everyone. Please don’t guilt-trip people for not having them. (I know this article isn’t doing that.) https://wearechildfree.com/ Disclosure: Zoë is my cousin.

Of course people are free not to have kids... But I've always find it weird to "celebrates childfree lives". And I'm frankly annoyed by the growing activism to ban kids from public places in the name of "adults quietness".

many adults nowadays are less resilient than my baby

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#189

Post by tsoukase »

Having kids is a 4 billion year old life function (instinct). Simultaneously it is a highly sofisticated behaviour with multiple dimensions (raising).

Genetics play a decisive role in kid's behaviour and powers/weaknesses. Next comes the mother, next the father and later the society.

Let's not forget that parents are "kids" of the society that heavily influence their behaviour that eventually shapes their kids.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#190

Post by whateveracct »

hotfrost wrote: post #59

I would really like to have kids, but I don’t have my act together. I also feel like my partner is not suitable or capable of properly taking care of our kids. Feels pretty awful and am scared to not have any kids as I grow older. I worked hard to get a good relationship with my partner, and now that we have one I worry kids will only ruin what we have now

your world will change in that hospital room the first day or two together with the new person in your family. it really is seismic.
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