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Having Kids (2019)

paulgraham.com

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Re: Having Kids (2019)

#101

Post by gib444 »

Daneel_ wrote: post #88
gib444 wrote: post #60

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I admire your frank honesty > Generally, I regret having kids Please don't ever, ever let them know this, or even allow them to figure it out. Especially before they're at least ~30 and able to begin to understand.

I would never let them think I regret them - that’s such a cruel thing to inflict upon them, and it’s certainly not their fault. I also don’t regret the joy it’s brought my wife. I regret the loss of my mental energy and personal time, but not them, if that makes sense.

> that’s such a cruel thing to inflict upon them

It certainly is. Speaking from personal experience. And he let me know in a very direct and cruel way.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#102

Post by tayo42 »

loloquwowndueo wrote: post #64
tayo42 wrote: post #52

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Travel with a baby isn't that bad. I think people struggle with losing their identity when they no longer get long periods of focus time or can participate in their hobbies with the dedication they would like.

Depends on the baby. Some are nightmarish. That’s the main thing - each family and each child are different, so it’s kind of hard to base your decision on what you see and hear from others.

Sure, the default for travel shouldn't be it'll be a nightmare though or impossible.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#103

Post by phatfish »

drfloyd51 wrote: post #14

Before kids it was easy to judge bad parents. Then one day with child I found myself due to circumstances in a store way past my child’s bedtime. She was screaming and crying, because it was way past her bedtime. Then I realized… I was now “the bad parent” I had so easily judged. Then it was easy to judge parents with children younger than mine. Until I learned that not all children have the same issues in the same o…

Badly behaved kids I am more understanding of now (at least the younger ones). But there are defintely easy ways out of problems some parents take that are not good for children.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#104

Post by chzblck »

OnAironaut wrote: post #97

There is nothing more narcissistic and selfish than having kids. There is nothing noble about fulfilling your biological imperative to leave a descendant. Quite the opposite, really, it's a rather primitive egoistical desire to somehow continue oneself after death.

Probably good you are taking yourself out of the gene pool

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#105

Post by Daneel_ »

cortesoft wrote: post #100
Daneel_ wrote: post #11

I also had kids, and while I love my kids I haven’t loved spending time with my kids. This will hopefully change as they age, but the first six years have so far been very much a drag on my life and productivity, and not much else. They haven’t provided fulfilment, and they haven’t provided satisfaction. Some joy is there from time to time, definitely, but nothing in the way the author describes. Happiness for me typ…

While I have always loved being a dad, I can certainly relate to the things you describe. I will say that a lot of those issues have gotten better as they have gotten older (they are now 10 and almost 7). They don’t require the same level of constant attention that they used to, they are getting more and more interesting to talk to, and have developed interesting personalities and senses of humor.

I’m glad to hear that - it backs up what I’m hoping/expecting will happen. I think I’ll enjoy time with them much more as they age, especially once they’re 7+.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#106

Post by GlibMonkeyDeath »

Caveat emptor. I am a grandparent now, so I think I have some perspective on this.

Of course we love our kids, and we had (and still have) a lot of good times with them. But kids can really break your life and marriage, too - amongst my peers I can't tell you how many have a struggling young adult kid or two (with relatively serious mental or physical health problems), with no resolution in sight.

So stay lucky - having a child is a wild act of optimism. And if you want kids, don't wait too long. There is never really a good time to have a kid (just different trade-offs), so for the best chances for health, be as young a parent as possible. And men have a biological clock, too: e.g.: https://neurosciencenews.com/genetics-sperm-mutation-neurode...

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#107

Post by chzblck »

hotfrost wrote: post #59

I would really like to have kids, but I don’t have my act together. I also feel like my partner is not suitable or capable of properly taking care of our kids. Feels pretty awful and am scared to not have any kids as I grow older. I worked hard to get a good relationship with my partner, and now that we have one I worry kids will only ruin what we have now

You'll never feel ready but you will always be ready. One of my biggest regrets is not having kids sooner

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#108

Post by tayo42 »

synergy20 wrote: post #38
Daneel_ wrote: post #11

I also had kids, and while I love my kids I haven’t loved spending time with my kids. This will hopefully change as they age, but the first six years have so far been very much a drag on my life and productivity, and not much else. They haven’t provided fulfilment, and they haven’t provided satisfaction. Some joy is there from time to time, definitely, but nothing in the way the author describes. Happiness for me typ…

I have a few kids, raising them is a mix of good and bad, like everything else. it took a toll on my career, pushed my temper to the edge, and stressed me out all these 20+ years, but I also enjoyed many moments. it does not go away when they got older by the way, it's a life long strong bond, at different phases there are different challenges. If I have a second life, I don't know what to do though, I probably will…

That's funny becasue if I could do it again I'd have my kids younger.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#109

Post by OnAironaut »

chzblck wrote: post #104
OnAironaut wrote: post #97

There is nothing more narcissistic and selfish than having kids. There is nothing noble about fulfilling your biological imperative to leave a descendant. Quite the opposite, really, it's a rather primitive egoistical desire to somehow continue oneself after death.

Probably good you are taking yourself out of the gene pool

If idiocracy is good then yes.

Re: Having Kids (2019)

#110

Post by Daneel_ »

nxor2 wrote: post #93
Daneel_ wrote: post #11

I also had kids, and while I love my kids I haven’t loved spending time with my kids. This will hopefully change as they age, but the first six years have so far been very much a drag on my life and productivity, and not much else. They haven’t provided fulfilment, and they haven’t provided satisfaction. Some joy is there from time to time, definitely, but nothing in the way the author describes. Happiness for me typ…

It's mysterious to me that you write all this _and_ that you do truly love your kids and are great. If I was in your position I'd at least concede that people do deserve parents that don't regret them. Do their thoughts toward it even matter?

I think people deserve parents that give a damn. And I do give a damn. Several in fact. It just doesn’t make me happy.
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