Ask HN: How to be alone? • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#371

Post by znort_ » Mon, Mar 09, 2026, 11:13 AM UTC

shlant wrote: post #349

mapcars wrote: post #341

The problem is that people think socialisation is some mandatary thing, like food or air, but the truth is - it is not. We are born alone and we will die alone, there is nothing bad about it, it is just how life is. You can have people around you but in your thoughts in your emotions, in your experiences you are always alone. There been lots and lots of people who would live just fine, very productive and profound li…

you think humans don't like being alone because they are conditioned to feel that way? And you can just be ok with being alone when you realize this?

it's not just conditioning, there is likely some biological drive because we evolved as a social species, but he's right, there is also conditioning and it can be dealt with. there is plenty of people that live in solitude and plenitude because they chose or learned to do so.

we're told that we need connection, but what we seek in others is really ourselves: our meaning, our purpose, we need to matter. what we actually find in others is only the illusion of that. it works (usually) and it feels good but not necessarily for everyone and there are ways to do that all by yourself. just be nice to yourself and enjoy existence. some will contemplate you as a weirdo, but that's their conditioning kicking in. it may not be for everyone, but there's really nothing wrong with that.

i was raised in a crowded family. i had dates and got married and got kids. i have a few friends left, some family left, aquaintances, sport comrades, sporadic contact and interaction with all of them ... but i spend most of my time alone and doing my thing, and rarely get bored, days fly. sometimes i might feel empty, lonely, depressed ... well then i reach out, or just soldier on, or distract myself, i know it will pass. and i think everyone has such moments, i had them all my life, being permanently crowded just distracts you from that. all in all, looking back, i'm having the blast of my lifetime and this is how i want to live the rest of it.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#372

Post by machiaweliczny » Mon, Mar 09, 2026, 11:18 AM UTC

noosphr wrote: post #368

rfc3092 wrote: post #248

To get things out of the way: yes it is hard being alone. But it is also hard to be with someone and is very hard to take care of kids and family and such. And it is waaay harder to be with wrong person. There are no easy roads in life and being single is one of the easiest. Now I’ll focus on practical advise: - gym every day. No excuses. If you don’t know what to do or lack motivation- get a personal trainer. - besi…

- gym every day. No excuses. If you don’t know what to do or lack motivation- get a personal trainer. Do you people even go to the gym at all? You need time to recover. Between 3 to 5 days is the most you can humanly do. And that's if you vary your exercises as suggested by a (good) personal trainer. Any more than that and you're just asking for overtraining syndrome. Doubly so if you're nearly 40. Edit: after seeing…

I personally go 3x for gym classes like "healthy spine", "mobility", "core" etc. and then 2-3x hard training. But I would say I am very active recently.

Do I feel better? Yes. Was it hard first 2 weeks? Yes, I had even to resort to painkillers.

I think the best for people who sit a lot are core, mobility and back exercises. Huge motivation for me when I finally started prioritizing back on machines and progressed on all other things and finally look like I go to gym :)

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#373

Post by josefdlange » Mon, Mar 09, 2026, 11:34 AM UTC

noosphr wrote: post #368

rfc3092 wrote: post #248

To get things out of the way: yes it is hard being alone. But it is also hard to be with someone and is very hard to take care of kids and family and such. And it is waaay harder to be with wrong person. There are no easy roads in life and being single is one of the easiest. Now I’ll focus on practical advise: - gym every day. No excuses. If you don’t know what to do or lack motivation- get a personal trainer. - besi…

- gym every day. No excuses. If you don’t know what to do or lack motivation- get a personal trainer. Do you people even go to the gym at all? You need time to recover. Between 3 to 5 days is the most you can humanly do. And that's if you vary your exercises as suggested by a (good) personal trainer. Any more than that and you're just asking for overtraining syndrome. Doubly so if you're nearly 40. Edit: after seeing…

I like to alternate yoga and traditional gym days. The yoga is still hard work but has more restorative qualities, and often complements my gym work rather well. That said, I still take one or two rest days a week. Being in your thirties comes with some physical boundaries you'd do well to respect.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#374

Post by silcoon » Mon, Mar 09, 2026, 11:35 AM UTC

Some advice from my experience.

- Working remotely by yourself every day sucks. Get a coworking space, shared office, work from a cafe, at least a few days a week.

- Go out. Riding a bike, hiking or even bringing your dog out three times a day keeps you stimulated and makes your body moving. Go to the mountain, go to the beach, go to rivers and parks.

- Join clubs that interest you. You like cinema? Join cinema a cinema talk, a book club, if you like a sport join a club that organise communal things. Doesn't really matter what, since nowadays there are clubs for everything.

- Take a brake from internet. After work, keep yourself busy doing things that don't involve using a screen and even try some hard blocking method to avoid using tech in public spaces.

All this things might help you finding people to connect. Your initial answer should rewritten: "How to be alone?" -> "How to meet people?". The individualistic culture created in the last few decades, exacerbated by social media create a loneliness epidemic; kids have less friend, same for adults, so many people I met told me that online dating sucks, more and more people are using brain medication for anxiety and depression. The situation is not good and individualistic thinking clearly is not working.

The real trick is not learning to be alone, but re-learning how to make friends and share parts of life with others. Humans are social animals.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#375

Post by shimonabi » Mon, Mar 09, 2026, 11:35 AM UTC

My mother died 2 years ago and a couple of months ago I lost my job. I don't have any friends and have no family left. I tried antidepressants, but I don't believe in chemical help anymore. I read self-help books like "Feeling Good".

I take care of the house, walk the dog, apply to jobs, go swimming twice a week. I won't starve. If I don't find a job soon I might go back to school and go into teaching.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#376

Post by srameshc » Mon, Mar 09, 2026, 11:36 AM UTC

rokhayakebe wrote: post #14

If you aren't already start working out daily and learn to make healthy meals. Not necessarily to help with loneliness, but to prevent having another problem that will only make the first worst. If you can work from a coffee shop, if you can afford a coworking space, do it. Plus one if the new office/coffee shop is a bit far from your house. Call your parents daily if you can.

brilliant suggestions !! To care for what you have is the best approach in my opinion.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#377

Post by Blackstrat » Mon, Mar 09, 2026, 11:38 AM UTC

Looking back from the vantage point of 70+ years of life, and having seen many people experience this very thing, I think the key is to get to know yourself. That sounds cliche, I know. Up until now, you have defined yourself in terms of your relationships with other people: your family, your partner, your spouse, your work group, etc. Many of the folks I've known had never been on their own, never done their own laundry, cooked their own meals, and so on. When divorce hit, they were devastated. And socially set adrift. In a few cases, they responded by hooking up with the first person that gave them the time of day, which proved to be less than optimal. The more successful of those transitioning to being alone worked on learning who they were, what interested them, how to do the routine things that perhaps someone else did for them in the past, and so forth. One person I knew experienced this in their 40s. He prepared his first meal for himself at 46. After stumbling around a bit, he decided to throw himself into cooking, discovered that he loved it, and went to school to become a professional chef, giving up software development for cooking, less money but far happier. When we search for hobbies and connections, far too often we look where we've always been. For those of us in some computer related field, it may be programming, video games, and other tangential "hobbies". When we branch out, e.g., learn a musical instrument, take dancing or singing classes (great way to meet people), take up public speaking (Toastmasters), find a good gym, or any other pursuits, we discover things we never knew we loved and people from outside our usual social circles which up until then had been dominated by work relationships. Suddenly, one is no longer alone and forms friendships based on shared interests and mutual connection. Those friendships are more durable than most of the relationships one forms at work. And in the process, one may find a new romantic interest, or several. Bottom line, break out of your comfort zone, and try something new. And if you find that exceedingly difficult or even debilitating, perhaps seeking the help of a professional would be beneficial. No, none of this is easy, but it is a great opportunity to discover yourself, other people, and to enrich your life experience dramatically. Good luck.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#378

Post by mapcars » Mon, Mar 09, 2026, 11:44 AM UTC

bargainbin wrote: post #357

alansaber wrote: post #346

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Disagree completely. All the most substantive experiences and memories of ones life happen within groups. Born alone die alone is reductive given each person only has fragments of information and insight individually, so we spend most our time together in some form

“Born alone” is beyond reductive, it’s plain wrong. You literally come out of another human who you must then feed on for months in order to survive.

You are born out of another human but even they can never understand you fully, they can never experience you fully, they can never know you fully. The problems of parents and kids are all coming from that and are old as time. If even parents can't do that there is no chance with other people.

This is the trick of the universe, or a trade-off if you will: being completely alone also means being completely free in terms of internal experience. If you realise that - that is the greatest gift, if you are unaware it can feel like a curse.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#379

Post by ethbr1 » Mon, Mar 09, 2026, 11:46 AM UTC

noosphr wrote: post #368

rfc3092 wrote: post #248

To get things out of the way: yes it is hard being alone. But it is also hard to be with someone and is very hard to take care of kids and family and such. And it is waaay harder to be with wrong person. There are no easy roads in life and being single is one of the easiest. Now I’ll focus on practical advise: - gym every day. No excuses. If you don’t know what to do or lack motivation- get a personal trainer. - besi…

- gym every day. No excuses. If you don’t know what to do or lack motivation- get a personal trainer. Do you people even go to the gym at all? You need time to recover. Between 3 to 5 days is the most you can humanly do. And that's if you vary your exercises as suggested by a (good) personal trainer. Any more than that and you're just asking for overtraining syndrome. Doubly so if you're nearly 40. Edit: after seeing…

Splits and light days. Parent wasn't suggesting every day be full body max.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#380

Post by gnarlouse » Mon, Mar 09, 2026, 11:49 AM UTC

genuinely would suggest you start meditating. stepping outside yourself can be profoundly impactful. seeing the feelings you are having, and just acknowledging that those feelings exist and giving them a name minimizes their importance. "that was fear, that was emptiness, that was resentment, that was joy." it can be grounding to realize that your emotions and thoughts are technically just suggestions dropping out of a stochastic pattern matcher.

im not going to explain the entirety of meditatiob, but i would suggest you go to a local buddhist temple and ask for suggested reading material on how to get started.