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Ask HN: How to be alone?

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Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#241

Post by vlatoshi »

geooff_ wrote: post #116

I'm two years ahead of you in this journey. I got divorced after just over a decade with my partner. Social engagements to me were always ad-hoc. I suck at planning so I often found myself more alone than I'd like. Looking back on the last two years and auditing what worked, I would say routine and lingering were the most important thing. Trying new things is mentally draining and labor intensive, this is a fact of l…

you hit the nail here.. repetition is key! that’s what happens at a workplace or school. You show up every day, do your thing, and have small interactions here and there. Over time, those interactions grow, and you get to know each other on a deeper level and become friends.

This can be replicated with similar activities that involve a schedule, like joining classes, volunteering, or whatever else fits that kind of setup.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#242

Post by villgax »

You should travel, the whole point of being remote is to enjoy life without being tagged to a location, since you have pets depending on how comfortable you are with them being in hostels you should definitely be traveling a lot more and then be able to meet folks and have a more filling life, start local and then go abroad often

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#243

Post by Zambyte »

cladopa wrote: post #181

First thing: No it is not normal thing to be alone. We humans are social animals. Once we are isolated we usually die soon, so take that seriously. Being isolated from your tribe used to be a worse punishment than death. The greeks called that punishment ostracism. El mio Cid was the Spanish representative case. In the US there is an epidemy of loneliness. So, what to do? First recognise that this is a problem and do…

I've seen people mention "How to influence people and make friends" before. I finally decided I'll read it. The PDF is available here for anyone else interested in following along :)

https://dn720004.ca.archive.org/0/items/english-collections-...

Edit: though this seems like it may not be the edition you meant? The cover says "the original is still the best", but this seems to be a revised edition.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#244

Post by jolmg »

It might be that you crave people in order to prove to yourself that you have people on your side. Might help to be alone for an extended period, then get together with someone afterwards to kind-of prove to your subconscious that relationships don't dissolve just because you're not constantly in contact.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#245

Post by hirvi74 »

sublinear wrote: post #121
Hnrobert42 wrote: post #19

1. This will be tough. That doesn't mean you are doing it wrong. 2. Growth is proportional to your willingness to be uncomfortable. 3. Meds can work wonders, AND you can still be depressed. Medicine resolve biological depression. It doesn't resolve situational depression. 4. You will likely go through the stages of grief as you grieve this change. One of those stages is sadness. Again, that's okay. You will grow so m…

Before considering medication for mental health, I have to wheel out the usual old advice: sometimes it can be as simple as diet and exercise. The fundamentals really should not be overlooked when thinking about any medication for long term care. I found out my anxiety symptoms were actually caused by my A1C being in diabetic territory (8%). High blood glucose has a direct impact on the brain and blood vessels. Rando…

I concur. I am finally starting to snap out of a multi-year long depression spell myself. Now, I did not alter my diet nor exercise more. I drink the same amount as I did prior.

However, blood work showed I was deficient in Vitamin-D. So, I added some herculean dosage of fish-oil and prescription Vitamin-D to my life. After about 3 months or so, I am really starting to feel much better and I am starting to notice more productivity gains. The weather is warming up in my area too. That always helps.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#247

Post by soni96pl »

This feeling of loneliness is hard to fill. It takes time. I'm a pretty lonely person for other reasons, I go out and have friends but I find that there is too much noise in my mind and the moments of genuine connection are rare. I'm now reading books on chan (zen) and learning to cultivate and enjoy a more peaceful mind. I've finished therapy and been a psychiatric patient for years. Nothing worked until it did. It's constant education. I'm not claiming to be cured or healthy, but I'm happy. I can imagine how hard it is for you becoming so sudden.

There's definitely a lot of paths you can explore. There is therapy, philosophy, experiences. You can go to therapy to find answers. Even to find a first step. You can read any sort of books to find myriad new ways in which you could perceive the world and yourself in it. And the experiences come along the way. If you are taking the effort that is good. To take up effort you need to see the future. Seems like you believe in it, but wish to see it clearer. Just know that at the beginning of the path nothing is clear, but time is the only constant. And that every feeling is there to tell you something but you only need to recognize it. If it's still there trying to break through, let it through. With every move you make progress. Be kind to yourself.

Good luck my friend.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#248

Post by rfc3092 »

To get things out of the way: yes it is hard being alone. But it is also hard to be with someone and is very hard to take care of kids and family and such. And it is waaay harder to be with wrong person. There are no easy roads in life and being single is one of the easiest.

Now I’ll focus on practical advise:

- gym every day. No excuses. If you don’t know what to do or lack motivation- get a personal trainer.

- besides gym pick an active “hobby”. Cycling, rollerblading, running, skiing, surfing etc. You need self-supporting way to spend time outdoors. Again: do seek instruction.

- learn to play music. It is very healing and rewarding. Also frustrating and hard. Guess what? Take classes. Joining (community) school is great. Getting into local band is amazing. Most importantly here: you do not need to talk to these people. Same goes for drawing studio.

- professional education. Maybe you always wanted to be CPA?

- deep and challenging activities: sailing, diving, flying, mountaineering etc

- checklist reading, movie watching

- study textbooks

- systematic traveling

- volunteer

- build things with your hands and give them away

- learn to recognize your emotional state and how it changes.

My “qualifications”: I was single for ~10+10 years.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#249

Post by cookiengineer »

I am kind of put off by your description of your psychiatrist.

No, it's not a great psychiatrist when they subscribe you drugs to "fix" things. Drugs should be the very last resort. A psychiatrists' role is to help you with self debugging your memories and to help you put them into a context that you can understand easier. They should be a guide for dealing with emotional trauma and help you process and understand the loops that make you feel helpless, and to help you understand the moments that were out of your control.

Please, OP, find a psychiatrist where you feel safe to share, and that helps you to deal with the emotional loss. Swallowing it up because society expects you to be a "man" is unhealthy behavior, and carrying over trauma into your next relationship is unfair to the other/next person in your life.

Other than that, my advice would be to write a list of things you always wanted to do. And just do them. Find out what you are passionate about and what makes you happy.

Find a sport to keep your biological machine maintained, and find the thing you care about the most. There is a lot of problems in our society to get involved with. If there is no community around the things you care about, then found one and invite others to join.

You are not as alone as you think, you just stopped reaching out.

Re: Ask HN: How to be alone?

#250

Post by ladidahh »

Try to find places you can become a regular, it sounds like you're experiencing true grief and isolation is exacerbating it. I know how hard it can be to pull yourself out. Making myself a regular in places that suited my interests, a local bookstore where I buy all of my books and have a chat with the owner, an arcade where I go, a bar that has a night of music i'm into helped me. Just getting to the point where you can go into a space, and be acknowledged as a human being that another human being has seen and talked to before was really grounding for me. I made no friends from doing this, but it helped me feel a bit less isolated and helped make other positive changes that led to being less alone. What you do is so much less important than forcing yourself to just put yourself into a situation where you are face to face with someone else. I hope this helps
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