Ask HN: How to be alone?

Seems like your whole social life was dependent on your partner? Which tends to happen with men and is - in my and many others eyes- not healthy for a relationship. Invest in your social life, as you would in other aspects (work/health/fin), and start building.

The start up cost is vulnerability: if you meet someone you like to be friends with you need to essentially tell them 'I like you, I want to have you as my friend, I want to spend time with you, lets' hang'. The vulnerability and awkwardness are the initial price.

Had the same crisis - I split from my long term partner after 14 years at 33 years old. Was happy to be alone for the first time in my life then within two weeks the dread of loneliness started creeping in.

My advice is find a social outlet - Group exercise like CrossFit and Run Clubs help a lot and cater to all people.

Also - restarting your life alone is expensive, but you will never again have a cheaper cost of living. Take the opportunity to save so you can let the good times roll when you find someone.

Also also - I had zero luck on dating apps, I think their prime days are over, and they’re superficial. Don’t bother with that negative feedback loop.

Main question here - are you a male or a female? Advice will be totally different.

Follow the above advice as its great :) People need each other. Volunteering, apart from being worthwhile for its own sake, is one of the best ways to meet people and put your own life in perspective. There's a ton of stuff in the world that needs doing, that capitalism leaves un-done as there's no money to be made in it. It can either be directly helping people such as providing food, resources, support for homeless, supporting people with disabilities to participate in activities, generally helping others in some sort of need. Or things like tree-planting which helps everyone. Some of, either the people you help, or fellow volunteers, or both, will become great companions. Can also be a great way to find another partner ;) Some of the most happiest most stable couples my wife and I know, met volunteering - its a good foundation for a relationship, that both people sought to go out and help others even before they met each other.

Hi sillysaurusx,

I've been in your place. I was 36 when I decided to separate, after 7 years of marriage/10 years of relationship with my first serious relationship ever. It was also a few months before the first COVID lockdown, so I could say I was really alone. At least physically, I had my family and some friends, but I had also recently moved to a new city. The circle of colleagues who I'd thought would become my social circle disappeared overnight due to COVID.

In the past 6 years I've made a small circle of friends who live physically close, the kind that you don't need to plan 3 weeks ahead to meet. Just pick up the phone and meet in 15 minutes. I feel that this is a fundamental block for wellbeing. I grew up with the Internet, I love it to bits, but it's no replacement for human contact.

You've also read about hobbies. In my particular case I picked up the ukulele. During lockdown I participated in an online session that happened daily. That formed a community, and although I don't go to those online sessions anymore, I made friends, and I meet them a couple of times a year, when we meet at ukulele festivals to play together. A smaller group we meet every 2 or 3 months at someone's house to play for a couple of hours and have lunch. I myself run a monthly session at a pub, where we gather a small bunch.

To this day I have not gone into dating anyone consistently. I tried a couple of times, but they weren't the right person. Although I'd like it very much to date someone, it's not really a big thing in my life.

I am, of course, living in a city where I can walk to most places. I am not sure I would be able to do this in a suburb. It's a genuine fear I have that moving away from the city, being as single as I've been in the last years, would make me become a monk, and learn the ways of distilling whisky, or transcribe bibles.

I don't have much advise from this, really. Meeting people for the sake of knowing them (rather than trying to get into another relationship), be a little vulnerable, be open to be a little inconvenienced. We really do need each other to survive out there.

I really hope things improve for you, and that you find your community <3