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How to talk to anyone and why you should

theguardian.com

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Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#371

Post by pingou »

beaker52 wrote: post #347
pingou wrote: post #332

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is quite entertaining and I'm glad there are people like you, but you didn't even think it would be inappropriate to comment on a naked picture that someone receives in a private conversation? I don't even think you were supposed to look at his phone.

Yeah, you see, I don’t think you’ve quite understood the art of talking to anyone. It doesn’t happen by staring at the floor and minding your own business. Quite the opposite, mostly. Despite illusions and every misguided attempt, when in public, you’re not actually in an impenetrable little bubble. And when your bubble bursts, you can laugh, or get angry. I recommend choosing laughter because it’s easier on the eyes…

I would say mastering the art of talking to anyone includes having a good mental model of what the other person thinks or how they would react.

It can be delightful to be surprised, but if you are surprised all the time then I would say something may be wrong in the way you see the world.

Nowhere did I say that people should mind their own business at all time. You cannot imagine a situation where you shouldn't talk to a person? You feel entitled to look at their phone? Is there no social boundary you respect? You are free to not respect them, but you can't hardly be surprised to experience pushback. Again, I like that people like you exist, I hope I don't come as too aggressive.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#372

Post by tunapizza »

vasco wrote: post #322
jjav wrote: post #307

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I highly recommend talking to strangers! People are lovely. Go out and try it. Which country are you in? I'm from a latin country and the norm is that you end up chatting about life the universe and everything with any random people you share a space with for more than one minute. But in the USA that doesn't really fly. Talking is transactional, either a business deal is going on or shut up. I've been in the USA fo…

When I visited New York City (and the US) for the first time in like 2010 I was taken a back but how much Americans like to chat randomly so this is strange to read. I remember a random guy was chatting to me in the subway, then I got out, waiting at a crosswalk for the green, in those 15 seconds another guy starts another random conversation. In the first 2 hours of the trip I already had maybe 10 random circumstant…

For people whose cultures value reserve and privacy, visiting the U.S. is a study in cross-cultural dynamics and sometimes a serious test of social boundaries. Your comment reflects that. The loudness, friendliness, warmth, and (occasional) casual intrusiveness is both a reality and a stereotype. It always reminds me of this hilarious Harry & Paul (UK) sketch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGc3zFOFI-s

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#373

Post by closewith »

beaker52 wrote: post #347
pingou wrote: post #332

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is quite entertaining and I'm glad there are people like you, but you didn't even think it would be inappropriate to comment on a naked picture that someone receives in a private conversation? I don't even think you were supposed to look at his phone.

Yeah, you see, I don’t think you’ve quite understood the art of talking to anyone. It doesn’t happen by staring at the floor and minding your own business. Quite the opposite, mostly. Despite illusions and every misguided attempt, when in public, you’re not actually in an impenetrable little bubble. And when your bubble bursts, you can laugh, or get angry. I recommend choosing laughter because it’s easier on the eyes…

> Yeah, you see, I don’t think you’ve quite understood the art of talking to anyone.

Well, mastering the art of talking to anyone involves being able to initiate a conversation with people of many cultures, in many mental states, in many circumstances.

A master of talking to anyone won't begin with a condescending and invasive comment, as they will recognise that beginning a conversation disrespectfully is unlikely to be received warmly.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#374

Post by closewith »

beaker52 wrote: post #354
closewith wrote: post #335

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Involving yourself by commenting on very personal matters, especially in a smug or condescending manner, is almost guaranteed to end badly.

Losing one’s temper leads things to end badly.

Losing your temper when a serious boundary has been crossed is natural and expected. It had a positive outcome in that it stopped your bad behaviour immediately.

> He ended up grabbing me by the throat, while no-one around did a thing to stop him.

The bystander effect is real, but you should also take this opportunity for self-reflection, because in this case, you were the person behaving badly who instigated the situation.

> But I doubt I’ll learn anything from it

Yes, unfortunately it seems unlikely you will.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#375

Post by zukzuk »

vasco wrote: post #322
jjav wrote: post #307

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I highly recommend talking to strangers! People are lovely. Go out and try it. Which country are you in? I'm from a latin country and the norm is that you end up chatting about life the universe and everything with any random people you share a space with for more than one minute. But in the USA that doesn't really fly. Talking is transactional, either a business deal is going on or shut up. I've been in the USA fo…

When I visited New York City (and the US) for the first time in like 2010 I was taken a back but how much Americans like to chat randomly so this is strange to read. I remember a random guy was chatting to me in the subway, then I got out, waiting at a crosswalk for the green, in those 15 seconds another guy starts another random conversation. In the first 2 hours of the trip I already had maybe 10 random circumstant…

NYC is very different in that regard from most anywhere else in the US. Random people tend to talk to each other. There’s a vague sense of “we’re all in this shit together”. Maybe it’s something to do with living on a cramped island, with no choice but to work together.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#376

Post by jvanderbot »

b40d-48b2-979e wrote: post #370
bsenftner wrote: post #350

Earlier quoted context omitted.

A lot of seemingly casual interactions in the US turn out to be someone trying to sell something. When that happens a 3rd time, you start to ignore random chatter from someone that seems too friendly. The salesperson tactics abuse common social conversation rules, and one ends up feeling like they are being forced to be mean and rude to an idiot. So, to avoid that, we push away chatty strangers in the United States.

we push away chatty strangers in the United States Where? I've lived on the coasts, I live in the Midwest, that has not been my experience aside from anti-social persons.

Tourist areas of large cities are like this. LinkedIn connections are like this. Other than that, people are delighted when you speak to them for the most part.

If nothing else, the nerves and flashbulb memories overwrite old nerves and flashbulb memories.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#377

Post by jacobtomlinson »

Hamster7330 wrote: post #77

I was at a conference recently and I went to a meetup session that the organizers put through and I was so anxious that I took a lapel pin and left immediately :( I knew about my social anxiety but never saw it first hand as such. I am so bad in networking with people.

I'm sorry you had that experience, I know that feeling and it sucks.

One thing I love about socials at conferences is that it's a self selecting group of people who want to talk to other people, otherwise they wouldn't be there. Even if people are shy and awkward they are in that room because they want to be social, even if they aren't able to start the conversation themselves. There's also usually a code of conduct for the conference so you have a better chance of people behaving in an acceptable way towards you, which makes the whole thing feel less risky. Over the last 10 years I've gotten much better at talking to people at these events and now quite enjoy them.

That being said I still find it really hard to walk up to a group of strangers and say hi, but in this setting it's way more socially acceptable, so I force myself to do it. I much prefer to be invited into conversation by another person, which does happen occasionally. But sometimes you have to be the one to start.

The only time I've found it go negatively is when you chat with a group of people who all work together, especially if they are remote, because they may be using the conference social to bond with their colleagues and not some random person. But that's their problem, and you should just watch for that scenario and move on to another group.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#379

Post by SyneRyder »

rambambram wrote: post #360

What is also fun is to just say 'hi' or 'hello' to random strangers, accompanied by a smile. I usually do that on the sidewalk (western Europe), but other places might also be fair game. I made an active effort to just greet people, now it's a habit. In the beginning I felt rejected sometimes by people blankly staring back at me and not saying 'hi' back. Some people are not into that, don't suspect it or don't know h…

I wonder if some of this also has to do with the culture of where you live, because it can go wrong. It reminds me of a BBC comedy skit about someone doing exactly this:

Northerner terrifies Londoners by saying "Hello": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PT0ay9u1gg4

I like the sentiment behind what you've said, and I think you're especially right about elderly people (probably because they don't get much social interaction). I actually had an elderly woman come up to me this week to tell me I was standing in the wrong place for the bus stop - but it was sad that she had to begin by saying "Excuse me, I'm sorry to interrupt, and you can tell me if this is none of my business and that you want me to go rack off... but I don't think the bus will stop here." I tried to be very kind and thankful with my response, because that's obviously someone who has been burned by trying to be social & helpful, and met with aggression in response before.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#380

Post by callmeal »

miroljub wrote: post #286
papyrus9244 wrote: post #274

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think it absolutely is for everyone, especially for introverts. It's a muscle, go train it. Source: me.

You can train it. You can even be good at it. But if you don't enjoy it, should you really be doing it?

Yes. It's like exercise. Or eating healthy. I don't enjoy working out but I should really be doing it. I really enjoy eating sweets, but I should not be doing that all the time.
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