How to talk to anyone and why you should • Hacker News Board

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#351

Post by mcdeltat » Mon, Mar 02, 2026, 12:46 PM UTC

curiouscube wrote: post #309

mcdeltat wrote: post #254

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> You get to decide how people see you. Hair, clothes, body language, smile, is 90% of how people decide whether they want to interact with you. I see what you're getting at, but also this take kinda annoys me because it falls into the bucket of implying a personal fault. If people don't socialise with you then it must be because you do or don't do X, Y, Z. "Just do X" and you'll become a social butterfly. Based on m…

As someone who both experienced phases in life where no one approached me and phases were I get approached regularly, it's a mix of external signifiers and some internal woo stuff that people don't really understand conciously. Or said another way, when someone says you have to "look approachable" what they actually mean is that a) you have to present yourself externally in a way that makes people more likely to enga…

I do see what you mean but again I'm not sure if I buy it, because it still sounds pretty meritocratic. I have been through times in life with severe social anxiety and times without, and the quantity of approach hasn't really changed. And doesn't explain the people who get approached even when trying to be closed off (I mean just listen to women complain how they're constantly hounded by men no matter what they do).

Also, what about neurodivergent people who may express their openness/closedness somewhat differently? Are they screwed no matter what?

I won't say you can't do anything to influence your approachability, but I really do think there is a very large component which is essentially fixed, and people rarely acknowledge this (which is annoying).

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#352

Post by lelanthran » Mon, Mar 02, 2026, 12:46 PM UTC

johnnyanmac wrote: post #195

lupire wrote: post #158

Earlier quoted context omitted.

How did you get human children?

Hospital has plenty. The key is coming in after hours.

Morgue too, for both assertions above.

(okay, that joke was tasteless, but admit it - you probably giggled before you remembered to be horrified)

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#353

Post by weatherlite » Mon, Mar 02, 2026, 12:52 PM UTC

mcluck wrote: post #346

weatherlite wrote: post #343

I don't know. The idea is old and looks solid but the more I think about it the more I don't buy it; people have less good friends. Many people are estranged from family. Many people barely say hello to their neighbors. Maybe we should expend our limited energy on the people we do know instead of strangers waiting for the bus. For me starting something with a complete stranger is draining; I need to overcome a psycho…

I think you're missing the part where interacting with strangers is also working the general socialization muscle. If you find yourself being more social in general, and give yourself the time to recharge, then you'll be better equipped to engage with those closest to you. You may even get lucky and add someone else to that circle

Yeah that's actualy part of my issue with this - socializing isn't super easy for me. It takes energy. Instead of "practicing" this muscle, I can simply use this skill on the people I'm supposed to use it on anyway - family, colleagues, friends etc. Instead of trying to get the person next to me waiting for the bus to talk to me I can call my best friend who I hadn't talked to in a month or more. I see no point in practicing with complete strangers. But you know what, I'm 41, about to turn 42, perhaps my priorities aren't the same as young people still building their personalities. There could be real value in being less shy and not fearing rejection so much; however I would say - find a good venue. I don't think New York subway is the bests place to start practicing this...

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#354

Post by beaker52 » Mon, Mar 02, 2026, 12:52 PM UTC

closewith wrote: post #335

beaker52 wrote: post #328

The other day I saw a guy on the train looking at pictures he was actively receiving of a topless woman. He was clearly enjoying it, in his own little world, so I leaned over and said “don’t get scammed buddy”. His anger brewed for a few minutes and he decided he wanted to fight me, so he menacingly stood up. I remained seated and told him to sit down. He ended up grabbing me by the throat, while no-one around did a…

Involving yourself by commenting on very personal matters, especially in a smug or condescending manner, is almost guaranteed to end badly.

Losing one’s temper leads things to end badly.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#355

Post by SoftTalker » Mon, Mar 02, 2026, 12:55 PM UTC

bsenftner wrote: post #350

jjav wrote: post #307

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I highly recommend talking to strangers! People are lovely. Go out and try it. Which country are you in? I'm from a latin country and the norm is that you end up chatting about life the universe and everything with any random people you share a space with for more than one minute. But in the USA that doesn't really fly. Talking is transactional, either a business deal is going on or shut up. I've been in the USA fo…

A lot of seemingly casual interactions in the US turn out to be someone trying to sell something. When that happens a 3rd time, you start to ignore random chatter from someone that seems too friendly. The salesperson tactics abuse common social conversation rules, and one ends up feeling like they are being forced to be mean and rude to an idiot. So, to avoid that, we push away chatty strangers in the United States.

That or someone running some sort of scam or asking for money. All on the same continuum I guess. I'm always on my guard when a talkative stranger approaches me. Which is sad in a way, but experience proves it's necessary.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#356

Post by matwood » Mon, Mar 02, 2026, 12:56 PM UTC

Swizec wrote: post #247

johnnyanmac wrote: post #234

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Lasting consequences include social outcasting and even dismissal. Those are pretty lasting. >Just don’t make things a big deal That sadly doesn't stop the runmors from flowing. That's the real damning thing about such social faux pas. Your reputation can be ruined without having a single person say it to your face. That's both unsettling and morbid for how you look to humanity.

You have to mess up pretty badly for this to happen. Most people would be a lot less worried what others think of them if they realized how rarely the do. The reality is that most people are too busy thinking about themselves to spend any time thinking about you or a random little interaction that didn’t land

> The reality is that most people are too busy thinking about themselves to spend any time thinking about you

I was fortunate to come to this realization in my 20s and wish I had realized it so much sooner. The vast majority of people are only thinking about themselves the vast majority of the time. This means the anxiousness we feel about what we think other people think about us is mostly made up in our heads.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#357

Post by wccrawford » Mon, Mar 02, 2026, 12:58 PM UTC

vasco wrote: post #322

jjav wrote: post #307

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I highly recommend talking to strangers! People are lovely. Go out and try it. Which country are you in? I'm from a latin country and the norm is that you end up chatting about life the universe and everything with any random people you share a space with for more than one minute. But in the USA that doesn't really fly. Talking is transactional, either a business deal is going on or shut up. I've been in the USA fo…

When I visited New York City (and the US) for the first time in like 2010 I was taken a back but how much Americans like to chat randomly so this is strange to read. I remember a random guy was chatting to me in the subway, then I got out, waiting at a crosswalk for the green, in those 15 seconds another guy starts another random conversation. In the first 2 hours of the trip I already had maybe 10 random circumstant…

It's both regional and depends on how you are perceived.

I'm an introvert and I'm always surprised when a stranger talks to me, no matter where I am. But I make a point of always being pleasant back, no matter how I feel about it at the moment.

Sometimes it's just a couple sentences, and sometimes it's more of a conversation. It'd probably be more if I was better at conversations.

The only exception is if I feel the other person wants something from me, or they seem crazy or dangerous. I don't engage with those types.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#358

Post by bonesss » Mon, Mar 02, 2026, 1:00 PM UTC

jadtz wrote: post #308

abcde666777 wrote: post #141

I went through a phase where I forced myself to socialise a lot to overcome social awkwardness and anxiety. Was well worth it, both in terms of leveling up my social skills but also in terms of eventually becoming very comfortable with myself. The main ingredient, at least for me, was being determined enough to push through the discomfort. A lot of the early interactions were awkward, sometimes overtly uncomfortable,…

I am still at the awkward early interaction stage. How do you know what to say?, usually I can start the conversation but I don’t know where to take it after. How are you able to shift to the next stage when you have both agreed that the weather today is nice. How do you get over the feeling that you are wasting their time? Finally, how do you end the conversation when you're still going in the same direction or wait…

Those forced conversations have a shelf-life because they’re artificial.

Note, rather, how friends converse and how little scripting is involved. When two good friends meet they don’t say their profession, or academic rank, or ask interrogatory questions. They exchange enthusiasm for each others presence and the conversation tends towards exchanges of perspective/experience and reflection thereof. Statement, vibes, counter-statement(?), more vibes.

That kind of familiar, friendly, approach to conversation is always available and short circuits the scripts. It efficiently probes for people who want to talk and what they want to talk about. It also tends to involve a lot of dumb-yet-charming assertions about the current situation, which takes awareness not planning. A ‘sense’ of humour, not a tight 5 locked and loaded. “Fuck, now that’s a lineup…” isn’t a refined piece of social engineering, but it’s a serviceable conversation starter and the least important part if you’re still talking three hours later.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#359

Post by matwood » Mon, Mar 02, 2026, 1:00 PM UTC

ptero wrote: post #341

freediver wrote: post #244

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Most people crave conversation and interaction. Those that are busy enough to potentially really be bothered will either show that clearly, or tell you so.

In some age groups/environments, sure; but not in general. And if folks crave interaction they want it to be deeper than a surface level. That's not saying you should not try, but learn to recognize early signs of folks not being interested and don't push it.

Where do you think deep social interaction starts?

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#360

Post by rambambram » Mon, Mar 02, 2026, 1:02 PM UTC

What is also fun is to just say 'hi' or 'hello' to random strangers, accompanied by a smile. I usually do that on the sidewalk (western Europe), but other places might also be fair game. I made an active effort to just greet people, now it's a habit. In the beginning I felt rejected sometimes by people blankly staring back at me and not saying 'hi' back.

Some people are not into that, don't suspect it or don't know how to handle that. Like half of this comment section, I really read some cringe comments here about how people don't want to be talked to. To them I can only say: don't worry, I see/feel from miles away that you don't want to be talked to. And even then, I might say 'hi' to you, just to gauge what happens. ;)

For me, it's okay if people don't say anything back. That's not even the point. I want to share a little positivity with the world (when I'm in the mood) and 90% of reactions are either a big smile back, a little nod or even a small conversation. There's nothing for me to 'win' (as a lot of commenters seem to think is the point); thinking in these terms makes it a business transaction.

I found out that especially elderly people are way more open to these things. Also, people who don't seem open to it (probably going through a bad time) might actually surprise you with a warm and welcome smile. These little interactions taught me to not judge a book by it's cover, give a little without expecting anything in return, and just knowing that you made somebody smile who needed that.

So if you think this article is something you want to try, but you're a little afraid thinking about whole conversations and stuff, just start with greeting random people. Don't see it as a transaction, just see it as age old human behavior (which it is). If you have a hard time reading social clues, this also might be a good way to practice that a bit.