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How to talk to anyone and why you should

theguardian.com

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Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#141

Post by abcde666777 »

I went through a phase where I forced myself to socialise a lot to overcome social awkwardness and anxiety. Was well worth it, both in terms of leveling up my social skills but also in terms of eventually becoming very comfortable with myself.

The main ingredient, at least for me, was being determined enough to push through the discomfort. A lot of the early interactions were awkward, sometimes overtly uncomfortable, but that's an unavoidable part of the learning process (and I took a key lesson from it - it's okay to look like a dork, usually it's only our inner critic that turns it into an immortal sin).

Nowadays I feel a pang of sympathy when I see someone feeling shy or speaking in self-deprecating terms. I remember how that felt, and I remember how easy it would have been to have stayed inside that box for the rest of my life.

Glad I didn't.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#142

Post by mastersummoner »

wanderingstan wrote: post #27
gyomu wrote: post #19

Earlier quoted context omitted.

As the article says, you just take the risk. Maybe you will bother the person. It’s okay, you’ll be able to quickly tell if you do, and you just gracefully back away and go on with your day. It’ll probably happen much less than you think.

I concur. And would just add two points: (1) Make it that you’re not asking for anything / don’t open with something that could be perceived as a setup to asking for money, or pushing a religion. :) 2) be sensitive to social cues or that they want to be left alone, like terse answers or shifting their attention away from you

This actually jives with my personal experience living in NYC.

New Yorkers have a reputation for being stone cold with strangers, but the truth is that anytime somebody approaches you out of the blue, there's an assumption that they're about to ask for money or try to get in your pants. Once you demonstrate you're not looking for either (or, if the second I suppose, that you're at least smooth enough for it not to be immediately evident), people are generally really kind. With some exceptions, I've usually found that the coldest looking person will stop to give a lost tourist directions if it's clear they're in need.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#143

Post by galangalalgol »

setsewerd wrote: post #110
deanmoriarty wrote: post #89

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I genuinely get bothered when someone talks to me. I am typically rushing through my day to do stuff, whether it is hiking, grocery shopping, working out, or going to the restroom at work, and getting interrupted feels to me like getting an unwanted push notification on your phone. When someone occasionally engages, I extremely quickly dismiss them in the most polite, but firm, way possible. I also intentionally keep…

Fascinating how much this varies by culture too. People generally have attitudes similar to you in Nordic countries, or even Seattle, but then you go to South American countries, or India, and it feels like everyone talks to everyone all the time.

I have found people in Seattle are very friendly and ready to talk. Maybe not on a morning commute, but in general.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#144

Post by rammy1234 »

I always start a convo with a question, " what is exciting in your life?" - it brings out good things out of people and positivity to the conversation that is following... It brings in perspective. My past leader once said, "understand the people first before you start to work with them"... it is what I believe is missing.. trying to learn about people around us and sometimes taking a chance and strike a conversation with a stranger.. we will learn a great deal even from a small talk..

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#145

Post by mech4bg »

yokoprime wrote: post #123

I speak to everyone when in "work mode". Its part of the job. I smalltalk, im curious, i listen. When off work I dont really want to talk to people at all (outside "my" people, i.e. my family and small group of friends). If someone strikes up a conversation I will of course engage, but I reach a threshold where I run out of gas and have to excuse myself.

I'm the same - work persona is curious, engaged, loves to talk to new people. Off work sometimes this bleeds over, but generally I retreat to my more comfortable introverted self.

It's a valuable skill, so I do sometimes practice trying to adopt the work persona at home, but it really doesn't come naturally.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#146

Post by resonious »

coffeefirst wrote: post #48
r17n wrote: post #14

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I love this. I know I struggle with "I don't want to bother this person". How do you deal with that?

I got a puppy. Then everyone wanted to talk to my puppy.

Same here but with human children.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#148

Post by boca_honey »

hluska wrote: post #53
k__ wrote: post #36

I usually avoid strangers, because those who talk to you are usually weirdos. Thing is, if normal people don't talk to strangers anymore, then only the weirdos are left, reinforcing the idea that only weirdos talk to strangers...

In my experience, only weirdos never speak to strangers. Social skills are easy, conversations are easy and strangers are just people you don’t know yet. I still can’t understand the point of this. Do you get a charge telling social anxious people they’ll be weird if they do their homework? That’s precisely what you did. Why?

Well, that's your experience. Some people live in places where most strangers that talk to you are wierdos. Some of us live in places where most strangers on the street are actually dangerous (and I'm not talking about NYC or any place in America, I'm talking about actual criminal hotspots, which is the reality of a huge portion of humanity you probably don't think about).

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#149

Post by galangalalgol »

saaaaaam wrote: post #83
hluska wrote: post #46

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Hey bud, with all due respect, you’re arguing against who someone believes they are.

Hold on… what do I believe I am?!

I would have rather said he was arguing with who you about who you each think you can be. That is different. The question is whether or not you think you can remain a genuine and caring person while being a politician.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#150

Post by vector_spaces »

mcdeltat wrote: post #134

As someone who has struggled with social anxiety over the years and has thought about this a lot, I have some thoughts. It's all nice to imagine everyone talking to each other, but the reality is that in (western?) society, we have kinda collectively decided that socialisation is to be avoided. Either it's too weird, too boring, or too unsafe. I mean have you tried randomly talking to people? Most don't seem very ope…

Yes, there is a pervasive anxiety around strangers and impromptu socializing among younger millennials and Gen Z particularly in North America and parts of Europe, and across age groups in certain subcultures. There are lots of causes for this, but this phenomenon is neither as entrenched nor as universal as you might think and the dangers are basically infinitesimal (zero for all intents and purposes). If you are respectful and mindful of how you engage, the overwhelming majority of people will at worst ignore you. Which sucks, yes, but more than likely they won't even do that, i.e. they'll probably reciprocate

I agree re the pretext scenarios disappearing and re neurodivergence adding extra challenges.

RE the former: there are lots more of these pretext scenarios than you might realize

RE the latter, I realize it's not your point but for what it's worth, you won't really be able to tell in most cases that someone on the street or wherever is or isn't nd. Meaning: there's a good chance that the person you are talking to is nd themselves. Lots of us are pros at masking

In general though i would say to be careful when generalizing about human behavior in a way that causes you to implement and enforce rules / limitations on your own behavior in response. This is unavoidable, right? And yes, there's often an nd component to this. But especially as you get older, these can start to calcify and limit you in increasingly destructive ways

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