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How to talk to anyone and why you should

theguardian.com

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Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#311

Post by Panzer04 »

unsupp0rted wrote: post #297
SequoiaHope wrote: post #11

After a bad breakup in 2015, I followed some advice from the socialskills subreddit to “talk to everyone” so that you get better at talking to women you might want to date. The advice was not to only talk to attractive people but everyone. The old man reading a Russian newspaper, the kid on bike doing tricks, people in the elevator. I do that now and it brings me a lot of joy. Recently while leaving a botanical garde…

I used to do this constantly but eventually I found it tedious. The conversation almost always went smoothly and I got the sense my interlocutor was pleasantly surprised to be engaged and had a great time chatting. But for me it became a chore, rather than a joy. It was “work” like guiding/teaching somebody. The juice was rarely worth the squeeze.

I suppose you're comfortable with it though. Many people aren't comfortable with even the basic step of starting a random conversation or asking strangers questions/for help.

You don't need to do it, but everyone should probably be at least comfortable/confident striking up conversations with people they don't know.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#312

Post by Cthulhu_ »

miroljub wrote: post #286
papyrus9244 wrote: post #274

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think it absolutely is for everyone, especially for introverts. It's a muscle, go train it. Source: me.

You can train it. You can even be good at it. But if you don't enjoy it, should you really be doing it?

Yes, because it's important. And also figure out why you don't enjoy it, and whether that's a self-reinforcing thing. At the very least you can make it something neutral instead of something you actively dislike and avoid.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#313

Post by fatata123 »

miroljub wrote: post #270
SequoiaHope wrote: post #11

After a bad breakup in 2015, I followed some advice from the socialskills subreddit to “talk to everyone” so that you get better at talking to women you might want to date. The advice was not to only talk to attractive people but everyone. The old man reading a Russian newspaper, the kid on bike doing tricks, people in the elevator. I do that now and it brings me a lot of joy. Recently while leaving a botanical garde…

This advice is not for everyone. Obviously this works only if you are an extrovert. Introverts would find this kind of interaction a wasteful use of limited social energy available to them.

[dead]

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#314

Post by Cthulhu_ »

miroljub wrote: post #283
Craighead wrote: post #271

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This advice is not for everyone. Categorizing yourself in a way that may purposefully stunt your growth and reduce opportunity for growth is a wasteful use of life.

That's something an extrovert would say :) Strong words. I'd like to understand your choice of words here. > Categorizing yourself Also known as knowing yourself, your strengths, and your weaknesses. > purposefully stunt your growth A wild assumption that talking to everyone will magically let you grow. Some people just prefer to focus on people that matter to them. > ... reduce opportunity for growth By choosing to…

Categorising / knowing yourself is important for sure - I think in the case of the extrovert/introvert thing, it's an important first step to helping yourself, because in my experience/anecdotally, a lot of introverts know they're different from others, yet feel insecure or anxious about it. Awareness and acceptance won't make you "not an introvert" suddenly, but it can help recover from the awkwardness, self-doubt and anxiety. Still anecdotally, me and some other people who (10, 15 years ago or so) learned about introversion found more peace with themselves, that it's OK to want to be home, and that they learn to say "no" or "you know something, I've had enough and am going home".

Learning about who you are helps you know your limits and boundaries, which means you can learn to do more within your comfort zone and how far you can stretch it, which means your comfort zone expands and you can do more. That's the kind of growth I think comes with categorising oneself.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#315

Post by Cthulhu_ »

throwaway290 wrote: post #272
SequoiaHope wrote: post #11

After a bad breakup in 2015, I followed some advice from the socialskills subreddit to “talk to everyone” so that you get better at talking to women you might want to date. The advice was not to only talk to attractive people but everyone. The old man reading a Russian newspaper, the kid on bike doing tricks, people in the elevator. I do that now and it brings me a lot of joy. Recently while leaving a botanical garde…

One of the last strangers I talked to pretended I didn't exist:)

Of course, not everyone wants to talk while in public, and not everyone knows how to politely decline a conversation. That's also fine, everyone's somewhere on the social spectrum(s).

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#316

Post by Cthulhu_ »

socalgal2 wrote: post #172
SequoiaHope wrote: post #11

After a bad breakup in 2015, I followed some advice from the socialskills subreddit to “talk to everyone” so that you get better at talking to women you might want to date. The advice was not to only talk to attractive people but everyone. The old man reading a Russian newspaper, the kid on bike doing tricks, people in the elevator. I do that now and it brings me a lot of joy. Recently while leaving a botanical garde…

An old guy sat at the table next to mine at an outdoor cafe. I don't remember what I said to start the conversation but he told me he'd lived in Japan for 3yrs in the 50s, married a Japanese woman, they moved to Redondo Beach and she convinced him to buy a house more than they could afford. He said it was the best decision of their lives. He then said she'd past away a few years ago and they had no kids. I ask him wh…

That was rather rude I think, why'd you stop talking to him instead of the purpose of communication - learning about other people? Killing conversations because of a difference of opinion - and one where you didn't even explore the reasonings - is why the world is becoming more and more polarised.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#317

Post by Cthulhu_ »

I had a colleague (now friend :D) whose dad was a manager for a company, he taught him to talk to anyone so he's got a number of conversation starters / makers. I mean I (think I) can tell it's a very active intellectual process for him, like it's not natural and he's analysing responses and storing them and the like constantly, but he's doing it and it makes him a great asset. I don't think he aspires any leadership positions - conversations cost him energy and he likes to write code, after all - but he has the techniques for it.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#318

Post by yard2010 »

socalgal2 wrote: post #172
SequoiaHope wrote: post #11

After a bad breakup in 2015, I followed some advice from the socialskills subreddit to “talk to everyone” so that you get better at talking to women you might want to date. The advice was not to only talk to attractive people but everyone. The old man reading a Russian newspaper, the kid on bike doing tricks, people in the elevator. I do that now and it brings me a lot of joy. Recently while leaving a botanical garde…

An old guy sat at the table next to mine at an outdoor cafe. I don't remember what I said to start the conversation but he told me he'd lived in Japan for 3yrs in the 50s, married a Japanese woman, they moved to Redondo Beach and she convinced him to buy a house more than they could afford. He said it was the best decision of their lives. He then said she'd past away a few years ago and they had no kids. I ask him wh…

This is me. I learned to not talk to strangers because 80% of the time I just get disappointed. Either I need to reflect my disagreement with their (imo) stupid takes or just be unauthentic and agree.

Yesterday I got stuck with this kind of stranger for 3 hours for work stuff. It was just me and him driving. When he started telling racist jokes and expressed his dissatisfaction with human rights I thought here we go again and went for the unauthentic route. As the conversation rolled he became more easy and personal. Told me about his family, his immigration and less nice parts of his life. I felt compassion and it really feels like we ended up being more connected than the beginning.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#319

Post by tumdum_ »

lovelearning wrote: post #222
tumdum_ wrote: post #28

We are living in a dictatorship of extroverts, who go out of their way (what a suprprise) to tell us that their ways are obviously better.

I'm not an extrovert. Introversion itself was probably more of a euphemism that I used to rationalize something closer to social anxiety. But I feel I'm better off now for doing what the article suggested, over the last 5-6 years. Doing so improved my knowledge, my empathy, grew my revenue, built larger professional networks, introduced me to hobby networks, and helped with better financial planning. I even changed t…

Thank you for proving my point - for some reason you felt you have to explain how introversion is an „objective obstacle”.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#320

Post by miroljub »

Cthulhu_ wrote: post #312
miroljub wrote: post #286

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You can train it. You can even be good at it. But if you don't enjoy it, should you really be doing it?

Yes, because it's important. And also figure out why you don't enjoy it, and whether that's a self-reinforcing thing. At the very least you can make it something neutral instead of something you actively dislike and avoid.

But why? If I don't enjoy talking to anyone and everyone, why should I be doing it? What's wrong with focusing on people who matter to me?

It's not like I don't give people a chance, but I'm pretty quick in identifying and cutting off people who are draining my energy, even if they are otherwise quite nice and enjoyable company for others.

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