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Ask HN: How can we solve the loneliness epidemic?

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Re: Ask HN: How can we solve the loneliness epidemic?

#101

Post by fundad »

ge96 wrote: post #71
fundad wrote: post #63

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I found it uncomfortable as a kid when I saw how my parents handled begging: ignoring it. I remember one time my father saying "that's ok". And I either say "no, sorry" or ignore. I've heard of kids from cities being given money so they always have something to give a mugger instead of looking like you're holding out, I don't go that far but I remember it to keep perspective. I recently made an effort to carry cash w…

Yeah it's funny I'll sound like I'm virtue signaling here, I donate. Food groups, NHA, stuff like that. Where I live there's usually a person at a red light waiting to "ambush" you. Same at a grocery store, soon as you exit the door solicitors going "excuse me sir". But yeah it would be easy to just have a $5 to hand out. It's just you know how many people are there and will it stop there kind of thing. Yeah I sound…

You don't sound like an asshole because you aren't saying bad things about the people who have the least.

It's up to you, you can just, to yourself, write down the words you'll use to write down that you'll ignore them to become more comfortable with your boundaries.

Personally I don't think handing out cash is helpful so it's not about charity it's my advice to pre-plan how you'll respond to be more comfortable than you are in reaction to these situations.

Re: Ask HN: How can we solve the loneliness epidemic?

#102

Post by mghackerlady »

I have 2 answers to this, depending on how you define "loneliness epidemic"

Genuine loneliness, like what you described, can only really be solved by touching grass. Figure out your hobbies, or find one if you don't have any.

My answer to what a lot of people call "the male loneliness epidemic" as a woman is to say it doesn't exist, you need to figure out how to be attractive. We aren't throwing ourselves on shitty men, and most of the men that complain are complaining because they feel entitled to us and thus put no effort into being attractive. The quickest way to be attractive is have empathy and not be a douche. Listen to peoples needs, and don't feel entitled to our attention

Re: Ask HN: How can we solve the loneliness epidemic?

#103

Post by bherms »

vel0city wrote: post #93
bherms wrote: post #76

Earlier quoted context omitted.

this is one reason, while i personally work from home, i actually lament that many 20-somethings will never be in an office i'm nearing 40, have a wife and kid, house in the mountains, etc... but, damn, those office days were foundational to the person I am today

I agree with this take. I'm definitely not friends with everyone I've worked with in person, but some of the most meaningful post-college friendships were formed by socializing with the people in the office (or people I met through socializing with office friends).

Yep, I met my wife at an office party - she didn't work for the company, just stopped by with someone who did

And not just the office friends that come from it -- I spent an hour a day on the bus, grabbed lunch around town, was downtown when work wrapped up and ended up at a nearby bar/restaurant, went to shows because I was downtown, etc.

Just being forced out of the house led to SO MUCH MORE.

Now I work from home and while we do travel a lot, we barely ever leave the house when we're home. We didn't make a single new friend for like 5 years (and we are a VERY social couple, generally the center of most of our friend groups). We've only just now started making new friends again now that our daughter is a toddler and getting us out of the house -- and it is incredibly refreshing

Re: Ask HN: How can we solve the loneliness epidemic?

#104

Post by arjie »

nyrikki wrote: post #73
arjie wrote: post #18

I am somewhat suspicious of this loneliness epidemic. 81% of Americans are somewhat satisfied or very satisfied with their personal life[0]. And my personal experience is that both close friends and general civil community is easy to find[1]. I wasn't trying at all so it can't be that there are any real constraints here. 0: https://news.gallup.com/poll/655493/new-low-satisfied-person... 1: https://wiki.roshangeorge.d…

I don't think [0] is showing what you think it does. > % Very satisfied with the way things are going in personal life That Dropped from 65% in 2020 to 44% in 2025 > Record-Low 44% of Americans Are 'Very Satisfied' With Their Personal Life Also focusing on the raw percentages of these style reports is challenging, due to socially desirable response bias [0] The fact it is dropping is the important part, it is a relat…

* Gallup (not Gallop) has the English questions and responses in the PDF at the bottom of the page. They will also respond if you email them so you can check if wording changed significantly.

* Yes, I am pretty sure the Gallup thing is showing exactly what I think it does considering I said "81% are [somewhat] satisfied or very satisfied" and the Gallup survey shows that 81% are somewhat satisfied or very satisfied.

* The fact that the Hacker News community was enthusiastic about the thesis of a loneliness epidemic during a period when satisfaction was rising casts aspersions on "the fact that it is dropping is the important part". When satisfaction was rising, there were still posts on that where everyone was agreeing about how bad it was.

Re: Ask HN: How can we solve the loneliness epidemic?

#105

Post by soulofmischief »

publicdebates wrote: post #2

I'm also in this group, so I have a few theories as to what causes it and how to fix it. For one thing, I was severely traumatized as a kid, which delayed a lot of my social skills. I'm catching up but not all the way there yet. When my social battery is full, I can do pretty well, but if I'm even a little down, it's basically impossible to act normally. I also had it hammered into me as a kid that nobody wants me ar…

Hey, I love you.

Since I was a small child, my grandfather used to beat me savagely and shake me and pin me to the ground, screaming that the devil was inside of me and that I would never be capable of loving or being loved. This was literally beaten into me. He'd beat me with the buckle end of the belt, like a whip, hitting my face, arms, whatever he could. He'd keep beating me until I couldn't cry anymore, telling me that men are not supposed to cry, and that it was his responsibility to teach me not to cry. I flashback at least once a day to it.

But, he was wrong. I love a lot. So much that sometimes it's unbearable. I cry all the time. Sometimes out of pure love for someone. And there are people who I think love me. Of course the doubt is permanently sewn in. But my heart goes out to you, seriously. I love you just for existing and being yourself, and I hope you're okay. We're not alone. Email's in my bio if you ever want to talk.

Re: Ask HN: How can we solve the loneliness epidemic?

#108

Post by garbawarb »

vel0city wrote: post #93
bherms wrote: post #76

Earlier quoted context omitted.

this is one reason, while i personally work from home, i actually lament that many 20-somethings will never be in an office i'm nearing 40, have a wife and kid, house in the mountains, etc... but, damn, those office days were foundational to the person I am today

I agree with this take. I'm definitely not friends with everyone I've worked with in person, but some of the most meaningful post-college friendships were formed by socializing with the people in the office (or people I met through socializing with office friends).

I'm not friends with anyone but still it's better to spend some of the day around people versus all of the day alone.

Re: Ask HN: How can we solve the loneliness epidemic?

#109

Post by wanderingstan »

rootusrootus wrote: post #86
ecshafer wrote: post #45

People need to purposefully and intentionally do things. Sitting home on an app, watching TV is easy. There is no fear or rejection, there is no work to get out of the house, there is no risk. But there is also no reward. My thoughts on this are you need to have multiple roots into your community. This is something that you go to often and talk to people, become a regular, say hi. Think back to how your parents or gr…

I think what makes this good advice especially difficult is that it cannot be one-sided. When everyone is letting doom-scrolling replace their social interaction, then one person won't easily solve their own problem by going out to socialize. We need a broader solution, probably a cultural shift away from using technology as a crutch to avoid other people. Maybe the current younger generations will evolve a balance.

Yes, for years now I’ve had this creeping feeling that it’s a social version of the prisoners dilemma: if you’re the only one that puts down the phone (or gets off social media, etc) then you’re just left behind. It’s a coordination problem.

Re: Ask HN: How can we solve the loneliness epidemic?

#110

Post by rootusrootus »

Yoric wrote: post #87
peterspath wrote: post #74

Go to church. Data from various studies, including those from academic institutions and public health organisations, supports the idea that regular church attendance helps reduce loneliness by fostering social connections, support networks, and a sense of community. 1. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3551208/ 2. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/human-flourishing/20... 3. https://hrbopenresearch.org/ar…

For what it's worth, I tried that a few years ago. It worked for a while. Then I realized that my church relationships were paper thin and that I'd be forgotten the day I stopped coming and/or I started showing that I didn't really believe in what was preached. Got better connections through improv acting and role-playing game. YMMV

I've entertained the idea of going to church. My understanding is that a non-trivial number of people going to Unitarian Universalist churches are openly atheist and completely comfortable with that. So the preaching ends up being more about general good community ideas and less about dogma.

I have not decided yet that it is a good fit, but I am definitely thinking that I should foster some community connections outside of my own family.

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