Must be something in the air: From yesterday, 275 comments. "One way to fight loneliness: Germans call it a Stammtisch" https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=42488263
Christmas
Why making friends as an adult is harder
71–80 of 250 posts
Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder
#72Earlier quoted context omitted.
Skill issue. Plenty of atheists are capable of finding both meaning in life and social groups to join.
I agree about skill. It’s just easier with religious groups.
Because they have a common goal. The challenge for atheists is to find group of people with the same goal as theirs.
Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder
#73Earlier quoted context omitted.
> Join a group - any group. Attend meetings. Contribute. Make friends. This is basically the "1. Do thing, 2. ???, 3. Profit!" South Park meme. If you're normal and like to drink a beer while talking about travel, TV, base politics or sportsball, sure it works. But let's be honest, you normal people can smell when someone isn't part of their tribe, even with a good mask on.
That is my thinking too. Joining a group of 10 people, maybe with luck I make 1 friend out of it. I’ve done it in the past, with mixed results. My father would roam through different groups, rotary, lions club, church, fathers of my friends… that resulted in a say 1% friendships, which would last from 1 to 3 years. And boy there are dangers there too! Nobody is talking about them! Was I the only one who got a manic h…
And those "manics" are excluded as well, while just showing up, trying to make friends. The solutionism exhibited in discussions like this flies in the face of reality. They devolve into self-help for the masses. Human relationships are complex, and there is no easy path to true friendship.
Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder
#74I honestly think the majority of the difficulty is that we live so far from one another. In school, or college, it was easier to be in proximity to other people which is just not possible as an adult.
> I honestly think the majority of the difficulty is that we live so far from one another. This sound correct for some people, but I'm not sure if it's the majority. Right now I live in a town with ~20,000 people, feels like I cannot go outside without people around me and there are constant regular events being done. I grew up on a island with ~700 people, and even there you were not really alone unless you were out…
You’re fortunate. At least in a lot of the US people live insular lives and only rarely run into people at the grocery store.
Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder
#75Earlier quoted context omitted.
> Find a group. This is obviously great advice, but most groups don't organically sprout around interests. Sports, especially, are something that I have a very difficult time imagining enjoying. And with the slow enshittification of meetup, where do you find these groups? Your local library?
I’ve found most of my new friends in my 50’s by going to little local museums that interest me, such as a small clock museum and a military history museum, and inserting myself into them by volunteering to help out.
Not really my thing--but maybe at some point--but there are a ton of volunteer docent tasks at museums, ushering/other tasks at local theater groups, etc. Should probably do more along those lines.
Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder
#76I came to California, in part, because my family in the Midwest is a bunch of Jesus freaks - not the "love thy neighbor" kind, more like the "God hates fags" kind. So when a girlfriend (in California) invited me to her church for some volunteer work, I went prepared to hate on everyone. However, I was blown away, as they were the nicest people I'd ever met in my life. They all went out of their way to help one anothe…
That's nice and all, but when you don't believe in their god, it becomes rather awkward.
I thought so too, until I realized that if atheists see God as a deep aspect of the human mind, that evolved that way for reasons, then we don't miss much of the Judeo-Christian story. I stopped by a local church for Bible study just in order to challenge my assumptions and found that they had no problem with that formulation at all. I expected way more awkwardness and even pushed the issue, to no avail. The result was a delightful experience of people sitting around interrogating ancient texts and being attentive to each other's life challenges.
I found that the structure of the Christian congregation is equivalent to the anarchist affinity group. I realized that, unlike us, Christians build infrastructure to support their organizing, and we should probably adopt that.
I'm still the same atheist, just a churchgoing one. I don't go to mass often or ever recite the Nicene Creed, but otherwise it's been a fantastic social outlet, great intellectual company, and the organ festival is off the hook.
Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder
#77Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder
#78Earlier quoted context omitted.
> Find a group. This is obviously great advice, but most groups don't organically sprout around interests. Sports, especially, are something that I have a very difficult time imagining enjoying. And with the slow enshittification of meetup, where do you find these groups? Your local library?
Local library. Recreation centers. Local board game shops. Events and activities in the community. Volunteering. Religious groups. College campuses often host groups and events from the community. Art classes. Dance classes. Check the local newspaper as they often list events and activities.
I emphatically agree with this. I suppose I'm just frustrated it's so hard to figure out what your interests are without trying and failing.
That's just life, I guess.
Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder
#79Earlier quoted context omitted.
> Find a group. This is obviously great advice, but most groups don't organically sprout around interests. Sports, especially, are something that I have a very difficult time imagining enjoying. And with the slow enshittification of meetup, where do you find these groups? Your local library?
> imagining enjoying Try it and find out if you really don’t like it. Maybe you’ll hear about something else you will like more.
Yup, this is great advice. Thank you.
Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder
#80Earlier quoted context omitted.
> My wife has a lot of friends. They go on walks together, have regular Ladies Lunches were they try different restaurants in the area. I've become friends with some of the other husbands when we do things together as couples. Everything from movies, to holiday parties, to escape rooms, to board game nights (party games), to murder mystery dinners, etc. The problem with latching to your wife's social network is that…
Eh, some of my good friends were boyfriend-of-my-girlfriend's-girlfriend and while both girlfriends are long gone, we stay in touch.
great news but that is not always the case. And betting your social network on it seems ill-advised