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Why making friends as an adult is harder

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Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#11

Post by someothherguyy »

JoeAltmaier wrote: post #2

It is hard, for those that treat life as 'working and slacking'. Join a group - any group. Attend meetings. Contribute. Make friends. It's still that easy. But, you have to give up social media doomscrolling and movie binging. So there's that. A better title might be - why it's hard now to get off your butt and do anything other than work and slacking. Because it is hard. But if you do it - all the same friendship av…

Generalizing all humans experiencing difficulty socializing as adults as lazy is an oversimplification at best.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#12

Post by bossyTeacher »

iambateman wrote: post #7

I honestly think the majority of the difficulty is that we live so far from one another. In school, or college, it was easier to be in proximity to other people which is just not possible as an adult.

>In school, or college, it was easier to be in proximity to other people which is just not possible as an adult.

I think it is more that you made friends with people that already lived near you (ie the kids going to your school). As adults, the only people that match a similar profile are your work colleagues but adults tend be more closed off to making friends. In some cultures, it is still easy but north european cultures seem to make it so that when you reach some age you close off to new people.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#13

Post by diggan »

iambateman wrote: post #7

I honestly think the majority of the difficulty is that we live so far from one another. In school, or college, it was easier to be in proximity to other people which is just not possible as an adult.

> I honestly think the majority of the difficulty is that we live so far from one another.

This sound correct for some people, but I'm not sure if it's the majority.

Right now I live in a town with ~20,000 people, feels like I cannot go outside without people around me and there are constant regular events being done.

I grew up on a island with ~700 people, and even there you were not really alone unless you were out in the forest. Even that place regularly had events organized by people.

Besides, I'm guessing most people in the world live in or close to metropolitan areas, and there certainly there isn't any problem of "live so far from one another", but maybe the opposite problem.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#14

Post by bossyTeacher »

irrational wrote: post #6

I have a few board game groups I belong to. We occasionally also do things outside of board games. So, for me it was finding a common interest. Another factor, for me, is being married. My wife has a lot of friends. They go on walks together, have regular Ladies Lunches were they try different restaurants in the area. I've become friends with some of the other husbands when we do things together as couples. Everythin…

> My wife has a lot of friends. They go on walks together, have regular Ladies Lunches were they try different restaurants in the area. I've become friends with some of the other husbands when we do things together as couples. Everything from movies, to holiday parties, to escape rooms, to board game nights (party games), to murder mystery dinners, etc.

The problem with latching to your wife's social network is that they might end remaining your wife's friends as opposed to your friends. Especially if you only see each other in the context of "my wife's friend". It is a very common pattern. And then if you ever break up with your wife, she is gone and so are her friends.

Learning to make friends on your own is a valuable skill.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#15

Post by taneq »

someothherguyy wrote: post #11
JoeAltmaier wrote: post #2

It is hard, for those that treat life as 'working and slacking'. Join a group - any group. Attend meetings. Contribute. Make friends. It's still that easy. But, you have to give up social media doomscrolling and movie binging. So there's that. A better title might be - why it's hard now to get off your butt and do anything other than work and slacking. Because it is hard. But if you do it - all the same friendship av…

Generalizing all humans experiencing difficulty socializing as adults as lazy is an oversimplification at best.

I don't think that's exactly what they were saying. I read it more like "people who divide life into work-that-you-should-pour-your-energy-into and recovery-where-you-try-not-to-spend-energy", and that maybe we should pour less of our energy into work and use that energy for socialising (which can result in an overall net energy gain).

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#16

Post by taneq »

bossyTeacher wrote: post #14
irrational wrote: post #6

I have a few board game groups I belong to. We occasionally also do things outside of board games. So, for me it was finding a common interest. Another factor, for me, is being married. My wife has a lot of friends. They go on walks together, have regular Ladies Lunches were they try different restaurants in the area. I've become friends with some of the other husbands when we do things together as couples. Everythin…

> My wife has a lot of friends. They go on walks together, have regular Ladies Lunches were they try different restaurants in the area. I've become friends with some of the other husbands when we do things together as couples. Everything from movies, to holiday parties, to escape rooms, to board game nights (party games), to murder mystery dinners, etc. The problem with latching to your wife's social network is that…

Eh, some of my good friends were boyfriend-of-my-girlfriend's-girlfriend and while both girlfriends are long gone, we stay in touch.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#17

Post by BoingBoomTschak »

JoeAltmaier wrote: post #2

It is hard, for those that treat life as 'working and slacking'. Join a group - any group. Attend meetings. Contribute. Make friends. It's still that easy. But, you have to give up social media doomscrolling and movie binging. So there's that. A better title might be - why it's hard now to get off your butt and do anything other than work and slacking. Because it is hard. But if you do it - all the same friendship av…

> Join a group - any group. Attend meetings. Contribute. Make friends.

This is basically the "1. Do thing, 2. ???, 3. Profit!" South Park meme. If you're normal and like to drink a beer while talking about travel, TV, base politics or sportsball, sure it works.

But let's be honest, you normal people can smell when someone isn't part of their tribe, even with a good mask on.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#18

Post by PittleyDunkin »

prhn wrote: post #10

I've made more friends more easily in my 40s than any other time in my life, and I'm a relatively quiet and disagreeable person. Making connections with people you're around frequently is easy. The problem is that adult life doesn't throw you into those situations post-college outside of work. Now it's on you. Find a group. Sports are the easiest. You will absolutely make strong, long lasting friendships if you play…

> Find a group.

This is obviously great advice, but most groups don't organically sprout around interests. Sports, especially, are something that I have a very difficult time imagining enjoying. And with the slow enshittification of meetup, where do you find these groups? Your local library?

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#19

Post by jokellum »

prhn wrote: post #10

I've made more friends more easily in my 40s than any other time in my life, and I'm a relatively quiet and disagreeable person. Making connections with people you're around frequently is easy. The problem is that adult life doesn't throw you into those situations post-college outside of work. Now it's on you. Find a group. Sports are the easiest. You will absolutely make strong, long lasting friendships if you play…

I work as a remote software dev. Joining a volleyball league + run club definitely helped massively for me.

> Again, making connections and friends is easy. Being around the same people regularly is difficult.

Agreed, 90% of the difficulty making new friends is showing at the same place/event regularly. Remaining 10% is actually being someone people want to be friends with.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#20

Post by henry2023 »

PittleyDunkin wrote: post #18
prhn wrote: post #10

I've made more friends more easily in my 40s than any other time in my life, and I'm a relatively quiet and disagreeable person. Making connections with people you're around frequently is easy. The problem is that adult life doesn't throw you into those situations post-college outside of work. Now it's on you. Find a group. Sports are the easiest. You will absolutely make strong, long lasting friendships if you play…

> Find a group. This is obviously great advice, but most groups don't organically sprout around interests. Sports, especially, are something that I have a very difficult time imagining enjoying. And with the slow enshittification of meetup, where do you find these groups? Your local library?

Climbing gyms
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