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Why making friends as an adult is harder

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Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#21

Post by norir »

diggan wrote: post #13
iambateman wrote: post #7

I honestly think the majority of the difficulty is that we live so far from one another. In school, or college, it was easier to be in proximity to other people which is just not possible as an adult.

> I honestly think the majority of the difficulty is that we live so far from one another. This sound correct for some people, but I'm not sure if it's the majority. Right now I live in a town with ~20,000 people, feels like I cannot go outside without people around me and there are constant regular events being done. I grew up on a island with ~700 people, and even there you were not really alone unless you were out…

Yes and you aren't necessarily going to be friends with all of those people around you. The challenge is not being near just anyone but rather being near a group of people with significant overlap in values and interests. I live in one of the highest density cities in the US but I still have very few friends who live within a twenty minute walk and I frequently have to commute an hour each way to social gatherings.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#22

Post by vouaobrasil »

Children have it easy because they are made to go to school. It's simple forced proximity. Adults often had it easier in the past because people needed each other more, and that placed them together.

But advancing technology takes that away. People need each other less and less with each passing day because we are too self-sufficient with technology. AI is the final step that will make friendships very hard to form indeed.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#23

Post by billy99k »

I made lots of friends (and eventually my wife and best man at my wedding) in my early 30s by first joining a meetup group and eventually becoming the organizer for it. It was disbanded a few years ago (before Covid), but I still hang out with the 13 or so people I met in the group. The group lasted almost 8 years.

I had work friends in my 20s, but it was always difficult for me to make new friends after college. Joining a common-interest meetup group made it so much easier. I find the key is to meet weekly and in-person. If you don't do this, you just won't be able to put the time in to actually have a real friend.

It would be nice if it was as easy for adults as it is for kids. My daughter will go up to another kid and say "Do you want to be my friend?" and they will play all day together.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#24

Post by brightball »

I really committed myself to solving this for myself a few years back. It does take commitment.

A few things I’ve done that work:

1. Start a “Dad’s night” with people in my neighborhood. We picked Wednesday night from 9 - 10pm. Started out just as BYOB in my back yard. Eventually we periodically went to a local pub that was near the neighborhood.

When you have kids of a certain age, it’s inconsiderate to bail on your wife while the kids are still awake. The hard time limit keeps it easy for anybody during the work week. Doing it mid week keeps weekend plans from getting in the way.

Lots of dads were thrilled to have this. The trick is consistent scheduling even if you have some weeks with no shows. That’s why starting it in my back yard was easiest until we regularly had about 8 people showing up. Doesn’t put you out if nobody can make it. Don’t get your feelings hurt because things like this start slow.

Covid killed it, but most of those guys became a Friday lunch group instead.

2. If you can, a cheap poker night. Like $10 buy in so the point is more to hang out than to loot your neighbors coffers and it keeps it accessible for people who have never played. This probably works for most games, but poker is such a broadly played game that it’s not that intimidating. Works in all weather conditions and works well with a sporting event on TV in the background.

Again, the key is consistent scheduling.

For either of these options, make sure people know they can bring a friend if they think they’ll get along with the group.

3. Take up golf. I haven’t done this but I know enough people who have. It works. Join a country club and play regularly. They’ll pair you up with people and groups. It’s not for everybody, but works well for lots of people.

4. Join a church with adult Sunday school. Free and easy way to meet people in your community. Usually comes with family friendly activities around community service too.

5. Get involved with local tech communities and meetup groups.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#25

Post by idontwantthis »

PittleyDunkin wrote: post #18
prhn wrote: post #10

I've made more friends more easily in my 40s than any other time in my life, and I'm a relatively quiet and disagreeable person. Making connections with people you're around frequently is easy. The problem is that adult life doesn't throw you into those situations post-college outside of work. Now it's on you. Find a group. Sports are the easiest. You will absolutely make strong, long lasting friendships if you play…

> Find a group. This is obviously great advice, but most groups don't organically sprout around interests. Sports, especially, are something that I have a very difficult time imagining enjoying. And with the slow enshittification of meetup, where do you find these groups? Your local library?

> imagining enjoying

Try it and find out if you really don’t like it. Maybe you’ll hear about something else you will like more.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#26

Post by elcomet »

PittleyDunkin wrote: post #18
prhn wrote: post #10

I've made more friends more easily in my 40s than any other time in my life, and I'm a relatively quiet and disagreeable person. Making connections with people you're around frequently is easy. The problem is that adult life doesn't throw you into those situations post-college outside of work. Now it's on you. Find a group. Sports are the easiest. You will absolutely make strong, long lasting friendships if you play…

> Find a group. This is obviously great advice, but most groups don't organically sprout around interests. Sports, especially, are something that I have a very difficult time imagining enjoying. And with the slow enshittification of meetup, where do you find these groups? Your local library?

Book clubs, art clubs, movie club... Lot of options

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#27

Post by f1shy »

PittleyDunkin wrote: post #18
prhn wrote: post #10

I've made more friends more easily in my 40s than any other time in my life, and I'm a relatively quiet and disagreeable person. Making connections with people you're around frequently is easy. The problem is that adult life doesn't throw you into those situations post-college outside of work. Now it's on you. Find a group. Sports are the easiest. You will absolutely make strong, long lasting friendships if you play…

> Find a group. This is obviously great advice, but most groups don't organically sprout around interests. Sports, especially, are something that I have a very difficult time imagining enjoying. And with the slow enshittification of meetup, where do you find these groups? Your local library?

Specially having same sports interests, does not help in finding people with more or less same values/ world view. I cannot really make good friends with people on the opposite side of my thinking.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#29

Post by diggan »

norir wrote: post #21
diggan wrote: post #13

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I honestly think the majority of the difficulty is that we live so far from one another. This sound correct for some people, but I'm not sure if it's the majority. Right now I live in a town with ~20,000 people, feels like I cannot go outside without people around me and there are constant regular events being done. I grew up on a island with ~700 people, and even there you were not really alone unless you were out…

Yes and you aren't necessarily going to be friends with all of those people around you. The challenge is not being near just anyone but rather being near a group of people with significant overlap in values and interests. I live in one of the highest density cities in the US but I still have very few friends who live within a twenty minute walk and I frequently have to commute an hour each way to social gatherings.

> The challenge is not being near just anyone but rather being near a group of people with significant overlap in values and interests

Maybe I'm exceptionally flexible, but I don't see those as being a requirement for finding friends. Growing up on the island with an interest for programming there was like two other people on the island who even knew what programming was, and were into computers.

So most of my friends of that time I didn't really have anything in common with except we lived on this island with our parents, and we liked the same types of jokes. But generally our world-view was very different even back then, didn't seem to have stopped us.

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