Earlier quoted context omitted.
[flagged]
That's really harsh. Grief affects people in different ways. It can be overwhelming.
[flagged]
Always go to the funeral (2005)
271–280 of 322 posts
Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)
#272Please visit people when they are still alive. My aunt was alone for the last three years of her live, up to 94 years old. She had almost no visitors, and was not able to go out by herself. I went there about every week, and was always the only visitor. Then came the funeral, with well over 400 people there, and around 200 people at the coffee table after the funeral. And I was like: Where the hell were you guys the…
^ this. Also, don't allow yourself to be put off by the idea that you don't know what to say or whatever. Just go. If you think it's hard for you it's doubly hard for the person who is dying and noone is visiting them because they don't know what to say. My cousin was in hospital dying of cancer. I spoke to my mum and she said she wasn't sure what to say etc, so she ended up not going. I went. I said to him "hey this…
This is something the Lutherans seem to have figured out, and shows up in the culture of Lutheran heavy areas like northern midwestern towns: you don’t even have to talk, and you definitely don’t have to talk about the death, or invite the believed to do so.
Just show up. Help out if you can (bring food).
If they want to talk they’ll talk. If they don’t they still had the option.
I watched Lars and the Real Girl with some people who grew up on the west coast. There’s a scene after a funeral where these two little old ladies come over, bring food, and just knit and occupy space, so he’s not alone. I said that’s the most midwestern thing I’ve ever seen in a Hollywood movie. And it still pretty much is.
Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)
#273Earlier quoted context omitted.
Funerals are an "odd custom"? What an entirely odd thing to say, I cannot imagine what you mean. Why is meditating on the passing of a friend, remembering their life and being present with the grief of their family "odd"??
Speaking at a funeral like that is an odd custom. Note that custom for funerals comes from the local culture and customs of how previous funerals are run. So that it isn't to you is just a reflection on your culture, other people come from different cultures where such a thing is not normal and because it is not normal- for their culture - it harms their meditations which would be done in the way they have grown up d…
> Speaking at a funeral like that is an odd custom.
According to you. I’d be surprised if such an opportunity wasn’t presented.
> As such I'm not making a statement of right and wrong for your culture,
Except to call it odd.
> only that in OPs culture it is wrong and so asking for someone to speak like that was in fact wrong on the part of whoever asked.
You brought up culture.
This was clearly a case of an open mic. Nobody was asking anyone to do anything. It’s an opportunity to do so if you wish.
Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)
#274I had a friend who died young, I was young as well. I went to his funeral and there was an opportunity to speak about him and our memories of him. No one stood up to speak. It was awful. I wanted to stand up and say he was a good friend, and to say I would miss him, but I didn't. I've regretted that ever since - 30 years now, and I think about it frequently.
But it's a somewhat odd custom no? Funerals. Probably no one stood up to talk because it felt awkward, as it is. It's not like you hurt your friends feelings for not speaking up.
According to a Jerry Seinfeld bit, the fear of public speaking is the #1 fear. #2? Death. At a funeral, most people would rather be in the casket than delivering the eulogy!
He delivers it better than me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yQ6giVKp9ec
Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)
#275Earlier quoted context omitted.
You have zero context other than what they said. What about withholding judgement about things you know nothing about before saying people are bad? The full story is likely much more complex.
She had the same reaction to two different people dying. So either she has a complicated relationship with both the cousin and brother or she’s the problem. I put my money on the mother because people do weak stuff like that all the time. Can’t get over a little awkwardness to do the right thing because people aren’t self aware and fragile.
I think you could use a little more generosity in your very cold, uninformed interpretation of this person.
Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)
#276Earlier quoted context omitted.
But it's a somewhat odd custom no? Funerals. Probably no one stood up to talk because it felt awkward, as it is. It's not like you hurt your friends feelings for not speaking up.
It was my failure that hurt me, I think.
I have a phobia of these type of scenarios. During my career I've never had a problem presenting or doing demos for large groups. I've presented to high ranking military officials, company zooms, etc. No problem.
Ask me to give a speech on the spot at my father's birthday party? I cower in fear. Same when my mother passed away. I wanted to say so many things, but I couldn't get over the anxiety. You're not alone.
Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)
#277In my opinion, matters of respect and kindness are given more than due consideration at death and perhaps only then for most people. Sure, go to the funeral and pay your respect, show how much they meant to you, but perhaps, do it much before. Do it way before death is even a thing.
Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)
#278Please visit people when they are still alive. My aunt was alone for the last three years of her live, up to 94 years old. She had almost no visitors, and was not able to go out by herself. I went there about every week, and was always the only visitor. Then came the funeral, with well over 400 people there, and around 200 people at the coffee table after the funeral. And I was like: Where the hell were you guys the…
> Where the hell were you guys the past three years? Maybe they were there when you weren't there and they're asking the same question about you? Maybe your aunt never really thought to bring up that so-and-so had come to visit while you were there, so then as far as you know, nobody came to visit? Maybe they called, sure it's not the same as visiting but it's something. It's true though, as humans we tend to not thi…
> Maybe they were there when you weren't there and they're asking the same question about you?
No.
She complained about not seeing anyone. She had a clear mind and we talked a lot about her friends and family.
Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)
#279Please visit people when they are still alive. My aunt was alone for the last three years of her live, up to 94 years old. She had almost no visitors, and was not able to go out by herself. I went there about every week, and was always the only visitor. Then came the funeral, with well over 400 people there, and around 200 people at the coffee table after the funeral. And I was like: Where the hell were you guys the…
Reading the whole thing, I think the author would agree. "Go to the funeral" isn't just about the funeral. It's a specific example of "if you have a chance to show up for someone, show up for them: even if (maybe _especially_ if) it's awkward or inconvenient".
> Reading the whole thing, I think the author would agree
Yes, I think so too.
Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)
#280Earlier quoted context omitted.
She had the same reaction to two different people dying. So either she has a complicated relationship with both the cousin and brother or she’s the problem. I put my money on the mother because people do weak stuff like that all the time. Can’t get over a little awkwardness to do the right thing because people aren’t self aware and fragile.
I think you could use a little more generosity in your very cold, uninformed interpretation of this person.
[flagged]