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Always go to the funeral (2005)

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Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#161

Post by qup »

NoMoreNicksLeft wrote: post #53
unholyguy001 wrote: post #21

You should go to the funeral if you think the right thing is to go to the funeral You should do it for yourself, out of respect for the person who died and respect for the loved ones remaining. Not out of societal obligation The corollary to that is there are plenty of times where the right thing is to not go to the funeral. If you lack those things. There have been times I don’t go the funeral. Because the dead pers…

You aren't punishing the dead person by not going. Just punishing what friends and family he or she had, out of spite. Making enemies. I mean when you say "horrible person" you're not talking about Adolf Hitler or Pol Pot, you're just talking about someone you thought (rightly or wrongly) an asshole. Now you've made yourself the asshole to other people. Not a great life strategy.

You made a lot of assumptions in your post just so you could wag your finger at the GP.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#162

Post by MrDrDr »

shever73 wrote: post #110

This is a very Irish thing. Funerals in Ireland are always well-attended and going to a funeral - even of someone you don't know - is important in the community (see this recent news article, for example[0]). I notice the author's surname is Sullivan. As my grandmother liked to repeat: "If you don't go to someone's funeral, they won't come to yours." [0] https://www.breakingnews.ie/ireland/crowd-shows-up-to-funera...…

I can agree with this. Growing up in the UK, with an Irish mother, I was taken to funerals as a child that I really did not want to attend. Like the author I now always go the funeral, and have found it strange this attitude is not more pervasive.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#163

Post by WillAdams »

sgt101 wrote: post #102

I had a friend who died young, I was young as well. I went to his funeral and there was an opportunity to speak about him and our memories of him. No one stood up to speak. It was awful. I wanted to stand up and say he was a good friend, and to say I would miss him, but I didn't. I've regretted that ever since - 30 years now, and I think about it frequently.

When my best friend from high school took his own life, necessitating that I travel to a county I hadn't been to in over a decade, when we gathered to remember him, I started things off by introducing myself as I would have liked to have thought he would have introduced me to everyone else present --- that seemed to afford a structure which bridged the gap between people I hadn't seen in decades (including his eldest niece whom I had not seen since she was a babe in arms) --- we went around the room with everyone declaring their connection and sharing some memories.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#164

Post by criddell »

wvlia5 wrote: post #111
sgt101 wrote: post #109

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It was my failure that hurt me, I think.

I don't get why it is a failure.

In another thread, the_snooze wisely pointed out that "your actions are a reflection of your values"[1].

If you want to be a person who is part of a community, who cares for the people around them, and doesn't look at everything as a transaction, then you maybe go to a funeral even if you can't measure some benefit for yourself.

[1]:https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=42436832

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#165

Post by DHPersonal »

elvis10ten wrote: post #76

Personal opinion: I find funerals to be a waste of time and money. Especially, coming from a culture where they are a big event. People spend enormous money on funerals —- money that they wouldn’t help you with while you are alive and struggling. Maybe attending one in a less flamboyant culture will change my mind. But I wish more people in general don’t wait for terminal events to do or say nice things.

I feel much the same. I hope that when I die, the people around me will remember the many times that I have asked to have my body disposed of as quietly and cheaply as possible, and to not perform a funeral for me, and if they wish to use my death as an excuse to gather, to make the event as joyful as possible and as little about me as they can.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#166

Post by balfirevic »

vitiral wrote: post #155
wvlia5 wrote: post #106

Earlier quoted context omitted.

But it's a somewhat odd custom no? Funerals. Probably no one stood up to talk because it felt awkward, as it is. It's not like you hurt your friends feelings for not speaking up.

Funerals are an "odd custom"? What an entirely odd thing to say, I cannot imagine what you mean. Why is meditating on the passing of a friend, remembering their life and being present with the grief of their family "odd"??

I initially interpreted it to mean that expecting people to give impromptu speeches at funerals was an odd custom (that certainly doesn't happen where I live), but now I'm not so sure.

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#167

Post by bluGill »

vitiral wrote: post #155
wvlia5 wrote: post #106

Earlier quoted context omitted.

But it's a somewhat odd custom no? Funerals. Probably no one stood up to talk because it felt awkward, as it is. It's not like you hurt your friends feelings for not speaking up.

Funerals are an "odd custom"? What an entirely odd thing to say, I cannot imagine what you mean. Why is meditating on the passing of a friend, remembering their life and being present with the grief of their family "odd"??

Speaking at a funeral like that is an odd custom.

Note that custom for funerals comes from the local culture and customs of how previous funerals are run. So that it isn't to you is just a reflection on your culture, other people come from different cultures where such a thing is not normal and because it is not normal- for their culture - it harms their meditations which would be done in the way they have grown up doing.

As such I'm not making a statement of right and wrong for your culture, only that in OPs culture it is wrong and so asking for someone to speak like that was in fact wrong on the part of whoever asked. Whoever asked may well have come from a different culture where this behavior is normal and so made a mistake by not recognizing that they were in a different culture!

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#168

Post by [deleted] »

WillAdams wrote: post #163
sgt101 wrote: post #102

I had a friend who died young, I was young as well. I went to his funeral and there was an opportunity to speak about him and our memories of him. No one stood up to speak. It was awful. I wanted to stand up and say he was a good friend, and to say I would miss him, but I didn't. I've regretted that ever since - 30 years now, and I think about it frequently.

When my best friend from high school took his own life, necessitating that I travel to a county I hadn't been to in over a decade, when we gathered to remember him, I started things off by introducing myself as I would have liked to have thought he would have introduced me to everyone else present --- that seemed to afford a structure which bridged the gap between people I hadn't seen in decades (including his eldest…

[deleted]

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#169

Post by [deleted] »

WillAdams wrote: post #163
sgt101 wrote: post #102

I had a friend who died young, I was young as well. I went to his funeral and there was an opportunity to speak about him and our memories of him. No one stood up to speak. It was awful. I wanted to stand up and say he was a good friend, and to say I would miss him, but I didn't. I've regretted that ever since - 30 years now, and I think about it frequently.

When my best friend from high school took his own life, necessitating that I travel to a county I hadn't been to in over a decade, when we gathered to remember him, I started things off by introducing myself as I would have liked to have thought he would have introduced me to everyone else present --- that seemed to afford a structure which bridged the gap between people I hadn't seen in decades (including his eldest…

[deleted]

Re: Always go to the funeral (2005)

#170

Post by bluGill »

jll29 wrote: post #150
io84 wrote: post #117

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I was raised like this and find it heart warming to see funerals filled with wider community. I did misjudge it once: I was living in a different country with two fellow Irish people and the relative of a good friend died. In Ireland it would have been expected that we attend the funeral, in this case we showed up and there were only six closest relatives there, and our presence just felt inappropriate. I now know yo…

I refuse to believe for a second that your attendance was considered inappropriate; the person being burried at least would have surely been happy for you to be there and think of him or her. Also, your intentions are to be commended regardless of what the relatives thought (it's not the relative's funeral, so they are not the yardstick).

No, different culture. That are many different cultures and OP made the common mistake of not understanding until it was too late that he was intruding on a different culture. Even though OP was in the wrong I cannot fault him for the mistake, there often is no way to know if you are not very close to the family what the correct culture is.
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