How to be a good listener

I went through a yearlong coaching program and one of the modules was learning how to listen.

Imagine a friend tells you about a situation where their dad is starting to show signs of dementia and the strain it's putting on them as a caretaker.

Level 1 listening (you're focused on yourself): - "Oh my dad had dementia, too. It's awful."

Level 2 listening (you're focused on them, but parroting): - "caring for a parent with dementia must be a huge burden; I can hear the toll it's taking in your voice"

Level 3 listening (a focus on what's not being said): - "when you were telling me about your dad's dementia noticed that you smiled a little bit when you said 'strain'. What was that?"

Listening is a muscle that needs to be trained.

Part of it was learning what it feels like to be -listened to-, too. Feeling heard is 80% of the way to a deep connection with another person. It's amazing how safe and trusting someone can seem if they simply, truly, hear you.

I'm not sure if there really is true selflessness. I think, for example, for me to even understand what's happening in this text exchange, I'm trying to imagine how you interpret the words while also recalling how I interpret the words and comparing the two. I'm trying to imagine how you're feeling, while also paying attention to how I'm feeling.

It just seems to be a pretty constant (if not always there) comparison and harmonization.

In other words, how are we supposed to understand the world without relating it to our experience?

I am not a therapist or the like. I opened the article bc I really think I should be a better listener (specifically with my tendency to interrupt, which I even do unconscuously, not bc I want to not listen, just my mind accumulates information like very fast and things pop up quickly).

However, I think I found a kind of "be super sensitive", let things come out article... unfortunately that behavior, in my experience, does not help the other part.

Sometimes we should tell the truth or give good advice or warn of the consequences of a bad decision. Yes we should listen, but not fooling the other part with "fake-positive" stuff, I am not sure I am expressing myself well. What I kean is, stay positive as much as possible, do not create unnecessary negativity, but keep it honest.

But according to this article, it seems that those should be disregarded.

Everything looks so soft in the article, at least from the point of view of my culture.

I must also say I was often classified as aggressive in the sense of being too direct. But if you are listening to someone and have a cinversation, I'd rather take the truth of what's wrong better than having compliments from the other side when they are not actually thinking that even themselves. That would just be being fake.

Also, dealing with children, which are still forming their personality, should be treated a bit differently and I can agree with the tips given in the article.

However, if someone comes and tells she is sad, my most likely reaction would be to ask why, do an analysis, try to stay positive BUT not lying about it so that it ends up genuinely helping that person. Same for many other situations.

In order to listen to fix first you must understand...

I mean that the kind of "I hear you", "yes, blabla" seems nice but it is the same thing anyone would tell you. Someone that does not know you maybe would react the same.

For me it is better (as in valuable) to get a: "because you fail to see you are doing it wrong? Don't you see that..." or something that tells you why you are being dumb and you should not be sad. For example: I am sad bc... the reason is important. If it is bc your father passed away there is nothing I can help with but if you just lost your job or did not get the marks you wanted, there is good advice to make people feel better and try to suggest to analyze what went wrong instead of saying: "oh poor you, I feel you" which does not help except to make that person feel better at that very moment and nothing else.

That "negative" information is more valuable to correct something.

If ehat you have is always people who just listen and let it go, you will end up without any helpful information and maybe even thinking that the problem is elsewhere.

>worded in their own language

Would you (or someone else that's knowledgable) be so kind to share your approach to doing this?

I find this to be hardest thing to do in the moment without feeling like a manipulative sociopath.