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These "obvious" things are so unnatural for me that doing them consumes so much of my attention that I don't actually hear anything the person is saying.
As someone who went out of their way and studied being a good listener, none of these are wrong, but I don't see it as being the best way of learning how to be a good listener. Reading about how to be a good listener can only get someone so far - watching someone demonstrate it and talking about it is the surest way to understand what it means. Specifically, Reflective listening[1], Clean language[2], and the approac…
> watching someone demonstrate it and talking about it is the surest way to understand what it means Do you happen to have links to any example videos demonstrating this or are you referring to in person examples
I see this recommendation all the time, but I know I do it all the time, and personally I often _like_ it when other people do it to me. Sometimes it's nice to commiserate or share a connection on a similar experience, and maybe even learn from what the other person already went through.
Does anyone else question this common piece of advice? Can't relating be useful if it's not being used to steer the focus over to the "relater"?
In my experience the less judgement I bring to a situation, the better I will be able to listen. If someone is telling me a story where I feel like they were morally wrong or where “one easy trick” would have solved their problem, it is very hard for me to not want to blurt out advice, admonishment, or shut the conversation down. The funny thing is that being quickly opinionated is highly valued in tech, so my malada…
I don’t really agree with this in the context you seem to put it. It’s not that it’s completely wrong, it’s just that engineers who rub non-engineers the wrong way are most certainly also rubbing engineers the wrong way. That being said, tech teams are often rather “quiet” and having that crude loudmouth is often better than having nobody speak their opinions at all.
I wouldn’t say it’s valued though. At least not in my experience. What is valued is engineers who can voice their opinions in an assertive and friendly manner. This is because that unlike the crude loudmouth, these people lead to the quiet people joining in. Which can lead to actual discussion and at the very least put forward more opinions from the team, without you having to be the elementary school teacher picking the quiet student in order to hear what they have to contribute.
I guess being a crude loudmouth can lead to promotions, but it’s probably also a quick way to become one of those managers/architects which are called hot-air balloons or the emperors new clothes behind their backs.
> What a different world we’d live in if more boys felt safe sharing feelings, in their own way, right from the start. What if it turned out to be a world much worse than what we have? There is perhaps some evolutionary advantage to people that suck it up and carry on?
Could you expand on this argument more? My first reaction was negative ("Why would the world be worse if more people felt safe sharing their feelings??") so I would like to hear more and challenge my assumptions. For my part, I'll point to research that suppressing emotions increases risk of suicide[1] and that many more men die from suicide than women[2]. I'm willing to hear out an argument that the world would be w…
They probably get far more stuff done relative to the ones that are emotionally closer to females and live longer. Just spit balling here.
> 5. Don’t relate. I see this recommendation all the time, but I know I do it all the time, and personally I often _like_ it when other people do it to me. Sometimes it's nice to commiserate or share a connection on a similar experience, and maybe even learn from what the other person already went through. Does anyone else question this common piece of advice? Can't relating be useful if it's not being used to steer…
Overall I think we talk way too much about getting better at listening and not nearly enough at getting better at talking.
EDIT: OK, I can get better at listening/reading lol, as the author said the following:
> One reason is this myth: that the good listener just listens. This egregious misunderstanding actually leads to a lot of bad listening, and I’ll tell you why: because a good listener is actually someone who is good at talking.
> 5. Don’t relate. I see this recommendation all the time, but I know I do it all the time, and personally I often _like_ it when other people do it to me. Sometimes it's nice to commiserate or share a connection on a similar experience, and maybe even learn from what the other person already went through. Does anyone else question this common piece of advice? Can't relating be useful if it's not being used to steer…
But thinking about it, it highly depends on the situation and the way someone phrases it. The example used in the article is exaggerated. Relation creates a sense of shared feelings only if you are trying to approximate the other person's feeling and thoughts and if you disengaged directly after you said "i also stubbed my toe once". Most of the time, people don't stop there and keep on telling THEIR story and how they felt, instead of just being an interjection. This is not the fault of people, but a normal way of most people doing conversation. I guess the author is thinking about these persons.
> 5. Don’t relate. I see this recommendation all the time, but I know I do it all the time, and personally I often _like_ it when other people do it to me. Sometimes it's nice to commiserate or share a connection on a similar experience, and maybe even learn from what the other person already went through. Does anyone else question this common piece of advice? Can't relating be useful if it's not being used to steer…
IMO relating does a lot better when it serves a purpose useful to the listener. A few that I have found:
1. when you're validating how they've already expressed how they feel. sometimes people doubt their own feelings and so you can use your own related experience to show them that you felt a very similar way when you were in a similar situation. caveat: dont ever tell them how they should feel, only validate what they've already expressed. also, if theyre not doubting their emotions, dont do this either...its not useful at best
2. when you're trying to understand how they're feeling (e.g. one time my dog died and I would just always expect to see her around the corner, but she was never there...is that like what you're feeling?)
3. when you're helping out with things that need to be done: (e.g. my parents passed away too, do you want help with sending out funeral invitations / finding a cemetery / etc)
4. if they dont know what to do / what options are and you relate different experiences about how you may have dealt with a similar situation.
1. Relating without a purpose will come off as a comparison, dont do it.
2. Not every purpose is valid for every person. A lot of these reasons require that the person trust you to an extent. E.g. offering to help a stranger with their funeral obligations will come off very poorly.
3. You have to have actual relevant experience with something, trying to shoehorn something tangentially related comes off very poorly.
4. You have to know how to deliver the related experience
5. They have to be ready to hear it: if someone is talking, dont interrupt. dont change the topic. only use the solutions above if the person seems like they are looking for it.
6. tons more.
> 5. Don’t relate. I see this recommendation all the time, but I know I do it all the time, and personally I often _like_ it when other people do it to me. Sometimes it's nice to commiserate or share a connection on a similar experience, and maybe even learn from what the other person already went through. Does anyone else question this common piece of advice? Can't relating be useful if it's not being used to steer…
I think I just make a connection with what they’re saying and then share my experience to commiserate, and to find wisdom/learnings from that experience to see if they apply.
That’s my conscious assessment anyway. But I feel like I shouldn’t do it.
Anyone have tips to avoid this? How do I prevent myself from relating their experience to my own?
I feel that being able to completely ignore your own experience (or even opinion) and adapt purely to what they need at this moment is true selflessness, and it’s something I’ve always struggled with.
(Ironic comment I know).