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How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

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Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#151

Post by RicoElectrico »

Phoenix12052023 wrote: post #117

I'm deeply cynical that polyamory is "popular" outside of select corners of the Internet. Why? I'm just going to be blunt and say it: very few men are going to tolerate a situation where their wife or girlfriend is having sex with several other guys and they aren't having sex with several other women for long. Given how supply and demand for casual sex works, that's going to be what happens, more often than not. This…

Same with all these cuckold fetishists on the internet. It's a fringe, rounding error.

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#152

Post by dvfjsdhgfv »

I know one person who tried this and in their experience it's something that's gender-unbalanced. That is, as an average male, you need to invest much more work to enjoy the same level of connectivity when compared to an average female. This might be related to the fact that still after so many decades of sexual freedom males are still expected to be the initiating side, by and large.

Another difficult aspect is that apart of your "main" partner, your "secondary" ones either need to accept that you already have a partner, hence also be open to polyamory, or you have to lie to them, which is definitely not a game for everybody. Overall, seeing all this, I wouldn't recommend it unless you have your emotions like jealousy well under control.

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#153

Post by Unbefleckt »

joegibbs wrote: post #16

Is it really that popular? I've never met a single polyamorous person in my entire life, they just seem very vocal on the internet.

I've met a few, but they're always in weird dysfunctional relationships in which one of them is very sexual and wants more than their partner, and their partner is hopelessly in love with this person and will do absolutely anything for fear of losing them. It's vaguely abusive.

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#154

Post by chownie »

ferbivore wrote: post #126
Quinzel wrote: post #62

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Thinking that your partner is suddenly going to think you’re not good enough because they see other people is an insecure kind of line of thought and the sort of thought processes that breed jealousy IMO. Being sexually exclusive doesn’t prevent people from falling out of love and moving on. People in monogamous relationships still sometimes decide their partners are not good enough, or they get bored, or whatever…

You can't just choose not to feel a certain way. It's quite difficult, and often a bad idea besides. Feelings aren't meaningless noise. We might have different ideas of security. If you don't value monogamy anyway, maybe your security isn't threatened much by your partner deciding you aren't good enough for it.

> If you don't value monogamy anyway, maybe your security isn't threatened much by your partner deciding you aren't good enough for it.

I wrote a comment 3 times trying to steel man this but it still reads like horribly bitter snark rather than an earnest pov.

People who enter poly relationships are not doing so because they value their partners less.

In a relationship between more than two people their communication skills must be on point and they have to sincerely take one another's needs into account or the whole thing crumbles, it's all the effort of monogamy and then some. If your partner isn't "good enough" for monogamy then they definitely won't manage polyamory.

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#155

Post by bradlys »

dvfjsdhgfv wrote: post #152

I know one person who tried this and in their experience it's something that's gender-unbalanced. That is, as an average male, you need to invest much more work to enjoy the same level of connectivity when compared to an average female. This might be related to the fact that still after so many decades of sexual freedom males are still expected to be the initiating side, by and large. Another difficult aspect is that…

Regardless of being in a poly relationship or single or not - men do have to invest much more time into dating and dating-related activities (such as exercising and diet to achieve a great physique, grooming, and dress) to get anywhere near the results that women will. Even then, 90%+ of men with great effort will never achieve the results that 50%+ of women will get with little to no effort.

There’s a vast chasm between male and female experience that will never be bridged. If you’re with an even remotely attractive woman and you’re not top 1% yourself, you will feel like a cuckold in comparison when opening up a relationship to polyamory. (Assuming she has significant interest in exploring)

Most men are quite clueless - especially if they’ve been off the dating market since their early 20’s and haven’t been observing closely how dating has changed in the last couple decades.

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#156

Post by throwoutway »

alternative_a wrote: post #144
Phoenix12052023 wrote: post #117

I'm deeply cynical that polyamory is "popular" outside of select corners of the Internet. Why? I'm just going to be blunt and say it: very few men are going to tolerate a situation where their wife or girlfriend is having sex with several other guys and they aren't having sex with several other women for long. Given how supply and demand for casual sex works, that's going to be what happens, more often than not. This…

Bertrand Russell came to mind when I read this. I remember reading some story featuring a flustered Russell at the dinner table with his wife Dora, her baby (by another man), and the other man. Now Russell had gone preaching and practicing free love for a long time but now he was on the receiving end. https://philosophynews.com/what-can-be-learned-from-bertrand... A society of emasculated males will tolerate the situ…

Worse than that, he left her for another woman over the situation (contrary to his progressive claims)

> but upon Dora becoming pregnant with another man’s child, the marriage seemed to fall prey to its own progressiveness.[10] The weir of liberal thinking gave way to intense jealousy and bitter resentment, resulting in Russell’s writing of boastful letters describing his youthful conquests across the Atlantic, and his eventual leaving of Dora for their children’s governess, Patricia.[11] He abandoned the campaigns he and Dora had together founded (including their beloved boarding school) and threw himself into the next chapter of his life with bags haphazardly packed.

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#157

Post by jzb »

lumost wrote: post #118
jzb wrote: post #44

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It’s popular compared to 20-30 years ago. I have a number of friends who are poly, one of my siblings was for a few years before meeting a partner who wasn’t. But folks may not mention it to you until you’re at a certain level of friendship. I remember a couple I knew who disclosed after a few months.

That’s probably related to the decline in swinger culture following no-fault divorce. I have to wonder if the recent resurgence is related to some social or economic effect driving couples to stick it out when they otherwise wouldn’t.

I wonder why people search for reasons other than some people find poly relationships more suited to them, end of story.

I’m married, I’m not looking for a poly arrangement - but I can totally understand the idea that a mono relationship just isn’t what someone wants. I think it’s possible to love more than one person, romantically, or that a successful relationship doesn’t have to mean until one person dies.

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#158

Post by hitekker »

throwoutway wrote: post #156
alternative_a wrote: post #144

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Bertrand Russell came to mind when I read this. I remember reading some story featuring a flustered Russell at the dinner table with his wife Dora, her baby (by another man), and the other man. Now Russell had gone preaching and practicing free love for a long time but now he was on the receiving end. https://philosophynews.com/what-can-be-learned-from-bertrand... A society of emasculated males will tolerate the situ…

Worse than that, he left her for another woman over the situation (contrary to his progressive claims) > but upon Dora becoming pregnant with another man’s child, the marriage seemed to fall prey to its own progressiveness.[10] The weir of liberal thinking gave way to intense jealousy and bitter resentment, resulting in Russell’s writing of boastful letters describing his youthful conquests across the Atlantic, and h…

The private desire to please oneself motivates apathy to any strict morality forbidding that self-pleasure. I suspect more so than any supposed rationality; see atheists and religion.

The article on Russell is actually quite relevant to the overall discussion on polyamory & unfaithfulness. The final quote by Russell on his realization of what eluded him in his life, nails it.

  Through the long years
  I sought peace
  I found ecstasy, I found anguish,
  I found madness,
  I found loneliness,
  I found the solitary pain
  that gnaws the heart,
  But peace I did not find.
  Now, old & near my end,
  I have known you,
  And, knowing you,
  I have found both ecstasy & peace
  I know rest
  After so many lonely years.
  I know what life & love may be.
  Now, if I sleep
  I shall sleep fulfilled.

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#159

Post by alternative_a »

hitekker wrote: post #158
throwoutway wrote: post #156

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Worse than that, he left her for another woman over the situation (contrary to his progressive claims) > but upon Dora becoming pregnant with another man’s child, the marriage seemed to fall prey to its own progressiveness.[10] The weir of liberal thinking gave way to intense jealousy and bitter resentment, resulting in Russell’s writing of boastful letters describing his youthful conquests across the Atlantic, and h…

The private desire to please oneself motivates apathy to any strict morality forbidding that self-pleasure. I suspect more so than any supposed rationality; see atheists and religion. The article on Russell is actually quite relevant to the overall discussion on polyamory & unfaithfulness. The final quote by Russell on his realization of what eluded him in his life, nails it. Through the long years I sought peace I f…

> I suspect the private desire to please oneself motivates apathy to a strict morality forbidding that self-pleasure. More so than any supposed rationality; see atheists and religion.

That theory of yours has legs, imo. (see below ;)

> Through the long years

Russell is borrowing heavily from king Solomon here .. /g

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#160

Post by the_only_law »

jurynulifcation wrote: post #14
Podgajski wrote: post #6

[flagged]

I'm not spiritual, I'm entirely materialistic and hold no stock in notions of the metaphysical, but I'm neither of the right nor left. To me your comment is the outcome of smug, baseless superiority. Before you disagree with me on this think about it. Assuming you're speaking only of those people, then whatever. Fair dues, I suppose you know them better than I do. If your comment is meant to be generalized then lol.…

> To me your comment is the outcome of smug, baseless superiority.

lol you’re on HN what do you expect?

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