Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

newyorker.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

141–150 of 181 posts

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#141

Post by Gigachad »

demondemidi wrote: post #15

I think people are confusing poly with open. Open is just consensually fucking other people typically without any commitment. Poly is basically a serious relationship with multiple people. The biggest challenge to real poly is dealing with legit feelings of jealousy, commitment, loyalty, authenticity… I think they two are confused often.

Open relationships seem extremely common. I've met loads of people like this and they seem happy and the relationships last. I've only met one proper poly person and it didn't seem to work that well. They have now gone back to a typical open couple relationship.

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#142

Post by pentaphobe »

This HN thread is such a mess of logical fallacies

Things can increase in popularity without your bubble noticing

Things can also exist in your bubble without you noticing

But to contribute my own (equally meaningless) support to the validity of the question: I definitively know a lot of people who are poly now who were not 20 years ago, and excluding them - I also know a lot more poly people than I did 20 years ago (no idea if they were poly back then). And for bonus points, I also know a lot of people who have experimented with poly life in the last 10-15 years who hadn't previously.

Clearly some kind of shift or at least blip in culture

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#143

Post by tonfreed »

Anecdotally, I know a few people that have been in open relationships.

Most of them are because the girl has berated and worn down their partner and really only stays there for the meal ticket.

I know precisely 2 couples where it works in a functional and mature manner. I would honestly not recommend it for anyone

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#144

Post by alternative_a »

Phoenix12052023 wrote: post #117

I'm deeply cynical that polyamory is "popular" outside of select corners of the Internet. Why? I'm just going to be blunt and say it: very few men are going to tolerate a situation where their wife or girlfriend is having sex with several other guys and they aren't having sex with several other women for long. Given how supply and demand for casual sex works, that's going to be what happens, more often than not. This…

Bertrand Russell came to mind when I read this. I remember reading some story featuring a flustered Russell at the dinner table with his wife Dora, her baby (by another man), and the other man. Now Russell had gone preaching and practicing free love for a long time but now he was on the receiving end.

https://philosophynews.com/what-can-be-learned-from-bertrand...

A society of emasculated males will tolerate the situation. It’s possible we’re watching patriarchy molt into matriarchy or some bonobo monkey thing. TBD, but as for OP, my perception is that the media conglomerates are leading indicators and not trailing indicators. They introduce these subjects to normalize them.

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#145

Post by drekipus »

16bytes wrote: post #129
drekipus wrote: post #11

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you felt secure in the relationship you probably wouldn't feel the need. The desire for novelty comes from bored or unfulfilled from your current relationship, which would contest the "security" of the relationship if it is impossible to live without it.

Being broadly critical of something outside of heteronormative behavior is ok. Telling somebody you don't know in a situation that you aren't familiar with that they aren't secure in their relationship comes off as ignorant at best. Especially since OP describes something on the more casual side of the ENM spectrum as opposed to full fledged polyamory.

It's a hypothetical situation for the sake of discussion, not ad hominem.

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#146

Post by ben_w »

drekipus wrote: post #125
ben_w wrote: post #48

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have access to far more food than I can physically (let alone healthily) eat. That I am clearly fulfilled with my existing diet doesn't stop me from trying new things on the menu, nor new restaurants with entirely new menus. And the desire to try new things doesn't imply that the absence of them is "impossible to live without" — even back out of metaphor land and back to human sexuality, lot of gay people used to l…

A person isn't a food item, and "formally straight" relationships (including marriages) fall apart, obviously because that person isn't straight anymore.. Which is my point: the relationship isn't "secure" if you're to find out that you're actually gay.

You appear to be shifting the goalposts, and not just because this comment of yours right here looks like it's mixing up formerly and formally.

Are you unfamiliar with the concept of a metaphor? I did explicitly note that food was a metaphor. After all, your original comment said:

> if it is impossible to live without it.

Which is a much higher standard than you're now using, one where food is a useful metaphor as one does actually need it to live, albeit as a category and not any specific food — I like capsaicin, alliums, and fresh coriander, and yet I can live without them (e.g. if I had a partner who was allergic).

And are you unaware of the history (and indeed current diversity) of rules about sexuality, including the cases where couples aren't/weren't allowed to separate and gay relationships are/were forbidden? You can know full well what you like, and still be bound unfulfilled but alive. Thus, that question of fulfilment is still present when your relationship is not merely "secure", but the security is enforced by law.

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#147

Post by krisoft »

MisterBastahrd wrote: post #130
krisoft wrote: post #80

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Polyamory isn't popular at all. “Become so popular” is about a relative change in popularity, not about absolute numbers. Almost everyone eats breakfast, yet nobody would say it “become so popular”. On the other hand if a very obscure thing becomes a bit less obscure that can be aptly described as becoming popular. > It's just not as much of a taboo as it used to be. Yes, that is what the article says too.

Not sure what you're even trying to get at here. Eating breakfast is popular. Polyamory is not only unpopular, but even if it doubled in popularity every year for the next 5 years, it'd still be vastly unpopular.

> Not sure what you're even trying to get at here.

Evidently.

“how did X become so popular” does not mean that X is popular. “X is popular” is a statement about the absolute popularity of X. “How did X become so popular” is a question about the change of popularity of X. It might or might not imply that X is popular in absolute terms.

Let’s take the relatively niche sport of running-facefirst-into-a-rock. Last year there was only one athlete practicing it, this year there are 200. It is still a rounding error in popularity, yet you can ask “how did it become so popular?” When you ask that you don’t make a statement about the absolute popularity, but the change of it.

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#148

Post by robocat »

slibhb wrote: post #58

The article hints throughout that polyamory is just for the rich. I don't have the data but it's not clear to me that the rich are having more non-monogamous sex than the poor. As far as the concept itself goes, I don't think it's possible to divorce possessiveness from sex. I'm suspicious of people who claim to have conquered jealously. And then there's children. It's hard for me to see how polyamory won't be a disa…

> I don't think it's possible to divorce possessiveness from sex.

I don't get jealous: and I've definitely been in situations which I would judge that many men would get jealous. Maybe I'm on the spectrum or something.

As a second example, I presume the majority of Johns that pay for sex don't get jealous about the sex worker having multiple partners.

> It's hard for me to see how polyamory won't be a disaster for children

I reckon the western nuclear family (mum, dad and kids) is unhealthy. I believe kids do better if they have more than two adults in their lives. Certainly added difficulties: but extended families have been managing similar issues for centuries.

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#150

Post by TheNewsIsHere »

voidwtf wrote: post #30
joegibbs wrote: post #16

Is it really that popular? I've never met a single polyamorous person in my entire life, they just seem very vocal on the internet.

Pretty common in the Tampa area, but it's definitely an iykyk type of thing. If you don't pass the vibe check it's not something that will be brought up in casual discussion.

This has been my experience. I used to be in a particular industry, within which I was introduced to the concepts of polyamory, swinging, and general ethical non-monogamy.

It was fairly common within areas of that industry, which is ironic because it could be rather conservative generally, but there were little bubbles where it seemed the “free spirited” would gravitate toward.

Post reply on HN