Aella has collected some great stats on polyamory
https://aella.substack.com/p/polyamory-vs-monogamy-how-relat...
How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?
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Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?
#72Polyamory will never become popular. I'm not going to judge anybody for what they do in the privacy of their own bedroom, but I will say that very few people are going to be okay with their partner having sex with other people, and you need at least 3 such people for a polyamorous relationship. Also, maintaining a normal relationship is hard, and the number of relationships between 2 members within a polyamorous relationship increases quadratically as the number of members increase linearly. If even one of those inter-relationships go sour, I imagine that it could lead to serious consequences for the entire poly relationship. Again, good for you to any poly people reading this that happened to make it work, but the odds are stacked against poly relationships.
Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?
#73Is it really that popular? I've never met a single polyamorous person in my entire life, they just seem very vocal on the internet.
Yes, probably. I'd say between 5 and 10% of the people i've met have been at least once in a non-monogamous situation. I used to be too, but it did not last long. Probably the numbers are at least twice as high, it's not something you just tell people.
Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?
#74Is it really that popular? I've never met a single polyamorous person in my entire life, they just seem very vocal on the internet.
Pretty common in the Tampa area, but it's definitely an iykyk type of thing. If you don't pass the vibe check it's not something that will be brought up in casual discussion.
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Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?
#75Hot take: Google Calendar.
No, really. UX rule: Facility drives frequency.
The main barrier to normative polyamory, it turns out, was the sheer logistical challenge of maintaining elaborate, reliable structures of commitments.
Google Calendar, and tech in general, have made it easier for people to scale in precisely the same way databases and ERP allowed corporations to achieve Amazon-scale.
This tech-dependence is also the reason that poly is de-rigeur in tech culture, where in some circles (esp. queer-flavoured varietals) it can be surprising to meet someone who is mono.
A good app to build would be a SaaS platform like Tailscale for maintaining polycule/solo-poly relationships and resources; incidentally, Tailscale is already used for this in nerd 'cules. But I'm thinking some sort of Bring Your Own Storage
Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?
#76It isn't. I don't know of a single couple in my personal life or extended group of friends that went poly and remained a couple past 5 years. They all eventually split up. Why get married if you're going to be polyamorous. Seems like a bit of a hassle to tie yourself up legally and financially when you've otherwise thrown all other parts of the relationship to the wind.
> It isn't.
Pardon me, but what isn’t? Are you saying it is not popular?
> I don't know of a single couple in my personal life or extended group of friends that went poly and remained a couple past 5 years.
This sentence makes it sound like you know multiple people who went poly. Which is exactly what “become so popular” mean. Then it sounds like you argue that it doesn’t make sense and the affected mariages didn’t last. Which is fine I guess, but that is a different question from if it is popular or not.
> Why get married if you're going to be polyamorous.
I don’t understand this question either. Many people are polyamorous without getting married. Perfectly valid choice.
Then some people are first married, they live in a monogamous marriage and then they realise that the lifestyle is not working out for them. The choice for these people is not between monogamous marriage and polyamory but between divorce and polyamory.
The question you are asking presuposes that people are aware that they want a polyamorous relationship at the time when they get married.
Then of course there can be people who want a marriage for some legal or social protection. Let those things be preceived or real. If we believe that two adults can promise each other to stick together and help each other in good and bad, sickness and health, why couldn’t the same thing work just because they also have other people in their lives?
Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?
#77Earlier quoted context omitted.
Linked lists can only have two neighbours, a polycule can be arbitrarily complex. (Depending on the purpose for which the data is being used, it may even be directional — e.g. for STD tracking, it does actually matter if someone has a cuckoldry kink).
What I'm hearing is I'll finally have a reason to learn graph databases if polyamory becomes mainstream.
I'm not sure which will come first: mainstream polyamory; or brain uploading.
If the latter, every personal ID has to switch from a single database entry to a git (or other vcs) repo, where relationships may or may not survive the branch.
Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?
#78I thought this issue was settled in the late sixties and seventies. As "hot" as threesomes sound, the result of polyamorous consequences was once considered settled when the early '80s struck. i.e., Drug-resistant STDs and the emergence of HIV. Monogamy can turn into a boring gated garden whereas a threesome is a potential vector threat if not an emotional threat as well.
The risk of STDs in a closed poly relationship isn't any different than a closed monogamous relationship.
That's just false. More people equals more risk. It's evident if you imagine a 100 person polycule.
Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?
#79I thought this issue was settled in the late sixties and seventies. As "hot" as threesomes sound, the result of polyamorous consequences was once considered settled when the early '80s struck. i.e., Drug-resistant STDs and the emergence of HIV. Monogamy can turn into a boring gated garden whereas a threesome is a potential vector threat if not an emotional threat as well.
Arguably hook ups / one night stands drive STDs more and always have.
Anecdotally every poly person I know is (relatively speaking) quite diligent about STDs, getting tested way more than most, informing partners etc etc. Sometimes it seems to me like poly is actually a spreadsheet fetish with relationships on the side.
I think polyamory is more threatening to "traditional" values due to emotional risk / complexity and impact on family structure, parenting etc. One of the gnarlier problems is wealth transmission.
In many countries you are de facto with someone after just 2 or 3 years, this is already crazy, you get in a relationship with someone and a few years later you owe them half your house. Bring poly into the mix and if you a) have assets and b) cohabit then things can get messy real fast.
Very basic stuff like welfare and taxes haven't really caught up with this either yet, practical things like what do you put in the "partner's income" box on many government forms. The bureaucracy is really not set up for this.
Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?
#80Earlier quoted context omitted.
I don't think this anecdote nullifies the question. A thing being popular doesn't necessarily mean it is a successful approach.
The question is a lie at face value. Polyamory isn't popular at all. It's just not as much of a taboo as it used to be. There's a giant difference between "what would your opinion of someone be if they were in an open relationship" and "would YOU want an open relationship?" The first has nothing to do with you personally past your opinion of how you would relate to someone else.
> Polyamory isn't popular at all.
“Become so popular” is about a relative change in popularity, not about absolute numbers.
Almost everyone eats breakfast, yet nobody would say it “become so popular”.
On the other hand if a very obscure thing becomes a bit less obscure that can be aptly described as becoming popular.
> It's just not as much of a taboo as it used to be.
Yes, that is what the article says too.