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How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

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Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#101

Post by moron4hire »

mr_toad wrote: post #68
XorNot wrote: post #51

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's harder legally: marriages at the moment end when one partner leaves or dies. A polyamorous marriage on the other hand would be more similar to the board of a corporation since it theoretically could be immortal through consistently replacing partners.

> A polyamorous marriage on the other hand would be more similar to the board of a corporation since it theoretically could be immortal through consistently replacing partners. I remember reading a SF story that had that sort of arrangement, but I can’t remember the name.

The Moon is a Harsh Mistress? The Cat Who Walks Through Walls?

A lot of Heinlein's stuff had polyamory at least in the background, it not front and center.

More recently, The Expanse dealt with it.

Though, honestly, the other spouses all just felt like 2D cutouts of characters, existing solely to show the "open mindedness" of the main character.

I don't think I've ever seen a story that really dealt with polyamory with all the characters having agency. Though, granted, haven't gone out of my way to look for it.

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#102

Post by rokkitmensch »

drekipus wrote: post #11
Quinzel wrote: post #7

If I felt secure in a relationship, having a partner that wants to experiment with others/date others wouldn’t really bother me. Everyone likes a little novelty from time to time.

If you felt secure in the relationship you probably wouldn't feel the need. The desire for novelty comes from bored or unfulfilled from your current relationship, which would contest the "security" of the relationship if it is impossible to live without it.

> probably

There's stuff my wife just doesn't like to do! Like... hiking. Yes, hiking is what I look for in other partners.

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#103

Post by giantg2 »

xyzzy123 wrote: post #79
SCAQTony wrote: post #54

I thought this issue was settled in the late sixties and seventies. As "hot" as threesomes sound, the result of polyamorous consequences was once considered settled when the early '80s struck. i.e., Drug-resistant STDs and the emergence of HIV. Monogamy can turn into a boring gated garden whereas a threesome is a potential vector threat if not an emotional threat as well.

Arguably hook ups / one night stands drive STDs more and always have. Anecdotally every poly person I know is (relatively speaking) quite diligent about STDs, getting tested way more than most, informing partners etc etc. Sometimes it seems to me like poly is actually a spreadsheet fetish with relationships on the side. I think polyamory is more threatening to "traditional" values due to emotional risk / complexity a…

Any data on the ONS? It seems swingers are higher risk than the general population. Although it doesn't compare the risk of ONS to them.

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27902890/

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#104

Post by ErasticBrub »

ToucanLoucan wrote: post #59
hintymad wrote: post #20

I wonder how middle-aged couples deal with the sexual desires. Numerous reports, let alone anecdotes and shows, mentioned that couples with each other for many years lost sexual desire towards each other, while their libido still flowed free. To quote one of such publications: "Sexual arousal and desire appear to decrease in response to partner familiarity and increase in response to partner novelty". I guess it's a…

That's more or less what got my wife started in it, not lacking attraction to one another, but wondering about others. We loved each other to bits (still do in fact!) but we'd only ever had each other in that way. We were curious. Started as swinging, but eventually we settled more into poly with a dedicated side piece for each of us that we have strong feelings for too. For us at least, it's completely normal to be…

[flagged]

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#105

Post by lordfrito »

I'm not that surprised alternative relationship structures like this are becoming more attractive in our commitment phobic "I want it now" culture.

Basically it allows you to believe you can have your cake and eat it too. The mindset of "I deserve intimacy/sexual fulfillment whenever I want it, and if you love me you'll accommodate that." That's not love, that's selfishness.

I can speak from personal experience that most that try it fail, largely because they have other relationship problems, the kind that keep them from doing the work to actually grow and nurture a deep relationship with another human being. It's a lot easier to f*ck the pain away.

Sure there are exceptions to the rule. You will always be able to find people that make it work for them. But it will never work for the masses.

Myself, I eventually realized the root cause of my dissatisfaction was inside me. As I worked on myself, I found my desire for poly/open relationships went away. It's way too much work to truly "love" that many people. Commitment is hard work. It takes, well, commitment.

Trends like this are just a sign of the times. People are becoming more disposable to each other, and we want to normalize social structures that embrace this idea. We'll pat ourselves on the back as we do this, telling ourselves it's so cosmopolitan.

Ultimately most of these people aren't capable of maintaining a real long term relationship, just a relationship of convenience. When things get hard, the relationship is jettisoned.

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#106

Post by MichaelZuo »

voidwtf wrote: post #30
joegibbs wrote: post #16

Is it really that popular? I've never met a single polyamorous person in my entire life, they just seem very vocal on the internet.

Pretty common in the Tampa area, but it's definitely an iykyk type of thing. If you don't pass the vibe check it's not something that will be brought up in casual discussion.

What is 'an iykyk type of thing"?

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#107

Post by giantg2 »

some_furry wrote: post #67
SCAQTony wrote: post #54

I thought this issue was settled in the late sixties and seventies. As "hot" as threesomes sound, the result of polyamorous consequences was once considered settled when the early '80s struck. i.e., Drug-resistant STDs and the emergence of HIV. Monogamy can turn into a boring gated garden whereas a threesome is a potential vector threat if not an emotional threat as well.

The risk of STDs in a closed poly relationship isn't any different than a closed monogamous relationship.

Maybe on a per member basis, or theoretically. The risk in a monogamous relationship is if a member acts outside the relationship. The more people you add to a relationship, the more that risk increases.

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#108

Post by lolinder »

voidwtf wrote: post #96
lolinder wrote: post #23

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Note that Gallup changed the question in 2011: before the question defined polygamy as "when one husband has more than one wife at the same time", after 2011 it was defined as "when a married person has more than one spouse at the same time". That may not account for the slope post-2011, but it's a significant enough difference that it's important to call it out. A lot of people who were opposed to polygamy when it w…

Just to be clear... Polygamy/Polygyny IS NOT polyamory, and it is very much incompatible with the ENM and polyamory ethos afaik.

I'm aware that that's a distinction people make, but I was just responding to what OP was citing.

I would expect that the numbers wouldn't move much if you could do a poll on polyamory as distinct from polygamy. The distinction is so far removed from most people's experience that it's not likely to change their sentiment.

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#109

Post by Podgajski »

jurynulifcation wrote: post #14
Podgajski wrote: post #6

[flagged]

I'm not spiritual, I'm entirely materialistic and hold no stock in notions of the metaphysical, but I'm neither of the right nor left. To me your comment is the outcome of smug, baseless superiority. Before you disagree with me on this think about it. Assuming you're speaking only of those people, then whatever. Fair dues, I suppose you know them better than I do. If your comment is meant to be generalized then lol.…

None of them were happy, none of them had less problems only more. It’s a stupid idea that’s been trying to pass and never works. The reason I bought they were spiritual is because we talked a lot about selflessness. I am not spiritual I was just hanging out with these people. I’m assuming they were seeking spirituality to massage their guilt and hide their greed.

I’m saying this new popularity of polyamory is based on the liberalism because it’s the belief that you can have whatever you want and there’s no consequences for it. You end up, externalizing the pollution like all the corporations do.

Even calling it polyamory is idiotic because these people were just in mutual, romantic and sexual relationships, many of them had kids. There been any studies on what polyamory does to children.? One woman in the group even admitted she wasn’t telling her children. Is that healthy? A healthy thing is something you could tell your children.

To think that people can be in relationships and there be no jealousy and no problems or they can manage it somehow, and have everything they want is Ludacris and it’s never worked in the history of humanity.

I don’t care have sex with all the people you want, but just don’t try to rationalize it as some healthy lifestyle if one of the people in the relationship is in a long-term commitment with you.

Re: How Did Polyamory Become So Popular?

#110

Post by foobarchu »

tobinfricke wrote: post #19
joegibbs wrote: post #16

Is it really that popular? I've never met a single polyamorous person in my entire life, they just seem very vocal on the internet.

You must not live in San Francisco!

Doesn't that support their point? If its mostly just more popular in a relatively small, famously progressive area, then has it really gotten that much more popular?

IMO we're still at the stage where the localized waves of ENM could see a heavy backlash as a lot of the participants who are pressured into it start to reverse course and leave those relationships. I myself know one Midwest couple with an open marriage, and it's pretty clear from speaking to them that it was a one sided deal.

Note: I am not saying all ENM relationships are based on pressure, but frankly many are, and that's not sustainable.

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