> Are they actually happy being second best? Do they know/think they’re second best? Possibly you’re going to tell me they’re not second best and the love is equal? I think all of you have a preference and equality is impossible, but I’m willing to hear that position out.
I mean they're "second best" with regard to the law, which is unfortunate but there really isn't any legal mechanisms where we live for multi-partnering, so it's just kind of the reality we've had to accept. But outside of that, we do our best to keep ourselves equal to our extraneous partners. It may seem strange but this is really the best. Sometimes that means plans with my wife can't happen because she already has some, and sometimes it means stuff my wife can't go to, my girlfriend does instead. It usually breaks down to whoever is available first, and we keep the lines of communication open and do our level best to head off any sense of resentment that crops up.
As with most things, communication resolves a lot. It also doesn't hurt that my wife's second man really doesn't have much romantic interest at all outside of her, so he doesn't have someone else to juggle, and mine happens to be married to my best friend, which certainly complicated that relationship for awhile there but we've had it more or less down to a routine for a good while now.
> I’m sure it’s fun, my feeling is that these situations are often fun for some of the participants but aren’t fun or become quite hellish for others. Obviously I’ve no statistics but it seems to end badly more often than not. As do most relationships, admittedly.
There are unique challenges. Since one party is always a limitation on the other, there is sort of a baseline sense of rejection and de-prioritization one has to contend with. It just is what it is, so much of our culture and conditioning is built around this idea of you find ONE person and that one person is just, your entire world, forever and now you're sharing them. However, again the flip side to that is, you have another person too. So it sort of replaces the monogamous sole-relationship with... almost a sense of community belonging that is profound. It's not without it's costs to get it sorted, but IMO it's the best thing I've ever done in my life for my mental health. Not putting all your eggs in one basket has advantages, you know?