131–140 of 175 posts
I'm autistic, and it's taken me a long time to learn how to start. It's been worth it. Today, a woman and I were both looking at the same display in Hobby Lobby, both clearly looking for something. When she moved over, I used something I've learned recently, which is, "Oh, sorry to be in your way -- I'm just looking for something to build a backpack with." Which is not entirely true, since it's a nopack -- a system w…
Earlier quoted context omitted.
I’m inthe PNW and feel this is largely situation dependent. Was camping in Oregon last weekend and was surprised by how many different groups of campers were conversing at length with one another. When on/around my boat at the marina it’s common for folks to chat openly. In my neighborhood it’s very much the opposite and there’s little/no eye contact and chatter.
Socialization in the PNW is highly hobby/activity oriented. It's immediate common ground and usually a recreational context. Day to day is more much reserved and insular as we go about our business.
Many years ago, I was riding on a nearly empty city bus. A guy got on and sat not too far away. After a bit, he looked my way and sidled over to be in conversation distance and said, "Excuse, I moved here from Florida about two months ago. Nobody here will talk to me, and I'm starting to go crazy. Is there something wrong with me?"
I'm autistic, and it's taken me a long time to learn how to start. It's been worth it. Today, a woman and I were both looking at the same display in Hobby Lobby, both clearly looking for something. When she moved over, I used something I've learned recently, which is, "Oh, sorry to be in your way -- I'm just looking for something to build a backpack with." Which is not entirely true, since it's a nopack -- a system w…
Can you recommend any resources for learning this sort of thing?
* How to talk like you have something to say
* How to leave space for others to talk
* Helping the conversation move along
* Saying stuff that is interesting but not necessarily true without being deceptive
* Be funny now and then (YMMV)
Earlier quoted context omitted.
Where is there a legal requirement to stay in your assigned seat? I've switched seats with people plenty of times on airplanes, or simply moved into empty rows. If you want to switch you can simply ask. (That is, if you're not afraid to talk to strangers!)
I fly 10-15 times a year and I have seen an empty seat on a flight maybe once.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
(Working in IT) I love laptop stickers for this. Whenever I'm returning from a conference a quick look around the lounge will reveal plenty of people with laptop stickers that are an easy to to startup a conversation. "Oh you're into $LANG/$TOOL, did you go to $CONF too?".
Laptop stickers are a perfect means to signal who you want to talk to, and who you don't, without saying anything.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
Where is there a legal requirement to stay in your assigned seat? I've switched seats with people plenty of times on airplanes, or simply moved into empty rows. If you want to switch you can simply ask. (That is, if you're not afraid to talk to strangers!)
Did the people who you saw do this mid-flight/mid-unwanted-conversation, in order to escape their chatty neighbors, or was this more in the early phases of the flight when people were getting settled? When people see my seat and see that it’s better than theirs, and simply ask me for it, sometimes I cave in in the interest of being nice. It’s cool that they want a nice gift from me, but even if I say a polite “no,” i…
I've also had the opposite situation, where I was desperate to switch but couldn't. The worst case was when I got the last seat on a flight and found myself between this completely asshole older couple where, it came out, the man would only fly in a window seat and his wife would only sit on the aisle. They bickered at each other over me for 3 hours as if I wasn't even there, and both refused to switch with me, going so far as to claim they both got airsick if they sat in a middle seat. Obviously, it wasn't even worth asking anyone else on the plane to switch, but I've never wanted to kill anyone as much.
The cultural differences about this are vast even in the United States. In the part of the Midwest where I grew up, strangers would come up and offer compliments about your outfit or car, make friendly small talk in the grocery store checkout line, or at least offer a quiet "hi" and smile when passing on the sidewalk. In the Pacific Northwest, we try not to even look at each other when passing, although people are fr…
This is pretty on the nose for me. My wife and I moved from a Chicago suburb to Portland about 5 years ago. The amount of effort required just to strike up a convo with strangers (and keep it going) was pretty significant. We especially missed how acceptable giving people "the business" (i.e. harmless joking or razzing to lower someone's guard and make them feel comfortable) was so common where we grew up. You could…
Those who aren't used to it often don't appreciate it.
“Children are taught never to speak to unknown grown-ups, especially those regarded by their parents as untrustworthy.” Not my kids, they talk to anyone. When they ask me a question about someone I encourage them to ask the person. When the want something I encourage them to ask (respectfully). They always, always get nice responses and I get friendly conversations afterwards. Think of yourself, how would you react?…
I would react politely to your children and, if further engaged by you, continue to converse with you politely. I would also genuinely, deeply, and silently dislike every second of the forced interaction. 99.999% of people might react the same, but that doesn’t mean we all feel the same.
I'm autistic, and it's taken me a long time to learn how to start. It's been worth it. Today, a woman and I were both looking at the same display in Hobby Lobby, both clearly looking for something. When she moved over, I used something I've learned recently, which is, "Oh, sorry to be in your way -- I'm just looking for something to build a backpack with." Which is not entirely true, since it's a nopack -- a system w…
Can you recommend any resources for learning this sort of thing?
It would be very nice having a translation guide between how our minds work and the minds of the general neurotypical population work. Sort of like learning a new language -- since in this case, immersion sorta almost has the opposite effect sometimes. I do let people know up front that I'm autistic and may miss social cues, and to please let me know directly. I also react receptively to advice, and when I find something potentially useful, I present my best guess from what they're saying. People like correcting when someone is wrong, I've been told, and it seems to be true!
With social things, I naturally react incredulously regardless, which often lets people come in and help out with more advice, which helps a lot. Sometimes I'll also go down a "what do you mean by this? I'm not really sure how to _________" and that seems to be effective.
Remember, if you're lonely and in public, a lot of strangers are too. Eventually, like the tide rising, built social skills can lead to more, and more, and more....
I'm not sure if this helps at all. Consider this one interaction with a stranger that may help fill some gaps in your knowledge! ;) (or, maybe not at all, that's okay too, love! <3 :')))))
Earlier quoted context omitted.
Can you recommend any resources for learning this sort of thing?
I don't know where you live, but most large cities have an Improv Comedy scene that includes courses, weekly meetups and workshops. You will learn: * How to talk like you have something to say * How to leave space for others to talk * Helping the conversation move along * Saying stuff that is interesting but not necessarily true without being deceptive * Be funny now and then (YMMV)
https://www.amazon.com/Improv-Your-Conversations-Banter-Tech...
I should probably try more with improv, it seems fun (albeti scary), but a good way to basically 'hit the gym' for some social skills. If I can cross some of those barriers, maybe the others won't be too terribly hard!
For me, what helped a lot was backpacking a social trail like the Appalachian Trail. Every stranger basically talks, you get to know people REAAAALLLL fast, and people that don't talk oftentimes actively avoid it and are seen as a bit weird. People on the trail I was on were seemingly totally fine with me being autistic and trans, it's a pretty accepting place. <3 :'))))