71–80 of 304 posts
My number one advice for handling difficult people is try not to internalize their behavior. It’s not about you or anything you did. It’s a “them” problem. Articles like this can make people on the receiving end of bad behavior are somehow at fault because they’re not saying please/thank you, etc. it’s a common fallacy, for example, that victims try to anticipate an abusers behavior and take on their own shoulders ma…
From my experience communication isn’t the problem, the root cause is always power struggle, directly or indirectly, and everything else follows, surprisingly it is the case also between nations throughout history.
My number one advice for handling difficult people is try not to internalize their behavior. It’s not about you or anything you did. It’s a “them” problem. Articles like this can make people on the receiving end of bad behavior are somehow at fault because they’re not saying please/thank you, etc. it’s a common fallacy, for example, that victims try to anticipate an abusers behavior and take on their own shoulders ma…
It’s much easier to consider a conflict a “them” problem. That’s most people’s default. I’ve heard thousands of people complain about “them”, but they were never being abused or bullied.
Instead you probably want to default to a conflict resolution attempt, or two or three, or whatever your tolerance is with that person. If those don’t work, then it’s an “us” problem. You tried your best, which is all you can control but the result isn’t working for you and that’s OK. The other person doesn’t have to change and neither do you, but you don’t need to work at it anymore if you’ve given all you’re willing to give.
This is all well and good advice. But sometimes you have to work with people who demonstrate traits of Narcissism Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder. E.g. someone who never accepts responsibility or someone frequently demonstrating emotional lability. I am not sure the best course of action in these situations.
Then you can take whatever appropriate actions after that. Sometimes that's get yourself out of the situation where you work or live with them. Sometimes it's decide that while this person is unreasonable to deal with, the rest of the situation makes it reasonable for you to stay, at least for the moment.
I thought I was going to like this, but other than 'Give people the opening to do better' section, the advised interactions seem not great to me? e.g. I want to say something, but I am having a hard time with it. I have something to say, but I don’t know how you’ll take it. I need to tell you something and I am anxious about your reaction. are (1) making me anxious while I wait for you to say whatever it is; (2) abso…
I think I understand what you're saying. Pre-statement anxiety may be preferable to mid-statement anxiety though? And I think the intent is not to absolve responsibility, but to specifically acknowledge it. But it depends on how authentic it feels, which may be a problem if we're building trust. There's a difference between saying "I have something to say, but I don’t know how you’ll take it." and "I have something t…
You're not going to like this, but
Bad news -
'I need to tell you something' [if you really must, but come on...] you're not going to like
I don't know how you're going to take this
and a million miles better than:
I am anxious you are going to take what I have to say poorly [or similar]
[flagged]
What leads you to believe this?
I wish this article wasn’t helpful. But I find myself using these tactics around thin-skinned colleagues, who need little pats on the head.
If you don’t like having to use these techniques, respect and appreciation also goes a long way. Instead of judging them as “thin-skinned colleagues who need little pats on the head”, maybe try getting to know them and how their childhood might have played a role, or how their personality benefits them or the community in certain ways.
For example, maybe you see it as a chance to practice gratitude, which is a virtue in many cultures.
I guess "The story in my head is that you asked me to send that status email ..." means that this is what they remember. On the other hand "... the story in my head is that you think owning that number is part of my job, and now you’re upset with me, or you think I’m incompetent at my job" sounds like they mean "the story [that I made up] in my head". Can someone explain?
> TRY TO SOUND FRIENDLY. > Say "please" and "thank you"... use emojis... I'll add to this one -- use exclamation points! It's actually ridiculous how effective all these little things are. In my experience, men, engineers, and especially engineers who are men tend to think of this as unnecessary fluff. They often decline to add these little social niceties because to them, they sound inauthentic. That's not a charact…
I think people forget that the written word has a tendency to come across stern unless you make an effort to soften it. I know I forget this. There have been numerous times even here on HN where people have thought I was being critical or argumentative when that wasn't remotely what I was trying to communicate.
Maybe another application for LLMs? "Conversation softener"