The strategy for getting the thing in question nearly always makes all the difference for very worthwhile things and this article very much glosses over that fact.
A complete guide to getting what you want (2018)
101–110 of 146 posts
Re: A complete guide to getting what you want (2018)
#102If you’re going to marry, marry well. I'd wager that 90% of not getting what you want in adulthood relates to compromise or deferral to your spouse.
Certainly feeling this right now. I do not have parents to give advice, and no “marriage role models” to speak of. This has lead me into a situation where I was poached into marriage and used to fulfil another’s needs - one who does not take my own needs into account. It’s going to be a mess to get out of, but lesson learned…
Have you brought this up with your spouse (at a good time, of course)? If you're thinking of torpedoing the relationship anyway, might as well risk offending/upsetting her.
I don't know a thing about you, but there are plenty of people (especially people who have bullied, who I suspect would be over-represented here) who aren't necessarily surrounded by toxic people but fail to advocate for themselves and communicate what they need.
If that describes you, then you're going to be "taken advantage of" by everyone, even people that don't want to have that sort of relationship.
I've become more assertive in my relationship over the last couple of years and it's done wonders. There's a guy who works for me that needs to do the same too...
Re: A complete guide to getting what you want (2018)
#103Is there a guide for knowing what you want?
I recommend you look at Effective Altruism . Can there be anything more-fulfilling or less regret-on-your-deathbed than helping others (while knowing you're doing it in the most effective way you can)? There are hobbies for sure, but when you spend 80,000 Hours in a career which you feel helps no one but you with your income, you might find mid-life there are more-important things. https://www.effectivealtruism.org/…
I've tried this before.
As selfish as it sounds, saving (an expected) 186.328 lives in Africa will not create the "feel-good chemicals" that teaching a kid to ride a bike will.
Rationally, it's a good thing. But emotionally, I don't think it's actually all that effective.
Re: A complete guide to getting what you want (2018)
#104My initial reaction, which the author briefly mentions, is how to know what you want.
This is something I've been questioning lately. Do I want what I want? Or are social influences making me think this is what I want?
Re: A complete guide to getting what you want (2018)
#105Earlier quoted context omitted.
It’s a self-truthing statement. As in, everyone who doesn’t agree with you is also excluded from your criteria. So from your point of view, you are absolutely right. It goes like this: - Papa deer: “Remember son, you have the power to make objects move by thought. If you see a car rolling towards you, STARE at it straight in the headlights and concentrate and move it with your mind.” - Son deer: “Isn’t that how grand…
It's funny because the idea of "if you didn't succeed, you didn't try hard enough" is a cornerstone of the self-help industry and the charlatans peddling various self-improvement systems. If anybody follows their system and doesn't succeed, well, they either didn't try hard enough or they really didn't follow the plan as it was laid out. It's a foolproof way to show the next sucker that your system works.
The same goes for most schooling. If you succeed, the school takes the credit for "educating" you. If you fail, you just did not try hard enough.
Re: A complete guide to getting what you want (2018)
#106Earlier quoted context omitted.
As a woman, men who are focused on stuff like this (beyond basic physical and financial health) scare and repel me.
yeah, guys working on improving themselves is pretty creepy, especially when they talk about it on the internet. and how would you know they're trying to become a more confident, well dressed, decisive and assertive version of themselves, anyway? 9. never tell women you are working on this stuff actively because it is extremely creepy to them that you are trying to pull yourself up from being unattractive. above comm…
No, trying to better yourself is fine.
Following that advice isn't bettering yourself, you're essentially just doing the human version of SEO.
You aren't becoming a better or kinder or more interesting person, nor are you working on your ability to make real human connections with others.
And a lot of you will say, so what? If it gets me a girlfriend, what does it matter?
These are the dudes who get dumped or divorced and never see it coming, because they never bothered to learn how to relate to people.
Re: A complete guide to getting what you want (2018)
#107If you’re going to marry, marry well. I'd wager that 90% of not getting what you want in adulthood relates to compromise or deferral to your spouse.
Certainly feeling this right now. I do not have parents to give advice, and no “marriage role models” to speak of. This has lead me into a situation where I was poached into marriage and used to fulfil another’s needs - one who does not take my own needs into account. It’s going to be a mess to get out of, but lesson learned…
Hang in there. It took me a year to even feel 'normal'. Some days are 'one foot in front of each other'.
Re: A complete guide to getting what you want (2018)
#108I wonder how do you avoid a situation in mid-life where you've achieved accomplished, etc, and now really lack a strong desire for anything? How do you find your motivation?
Can you throw the lasting effects of your achievements (e.g. money, relationships, etc.) away? That may provide incentive to start anew.
Well, that's definitely true. I could divorce my wife, and blow all my savings, and then I'd be right back there I started and definitely would be motivated to find a wife and make money again.
That's the pickle in all of this though. I don't want to lose the comfort I have. I want to maintain this current level of comfort, but also have some excitement in my life, something to go after. Comfort breads complacency for sure.
Re: A complete guide to getting what you want (2018)
#109> Quite often a reasonable, achievable, and worthwhile desire goes unpursued because we have a simultaneous desire to not pursue it. When we say something is “impossible” or “too hard” or “not in the cards,” that’s a clue. This resonates. Many who are stuck frustrated not getting what they want have talked themselves out of trying to get it to begin with. A good another clue is 3rd party attribution. "My life is bad…
It’s a self-truthing statement. As in, everyone who doesn’t agree with you is also excluded from your criteria. So from your point of view, you are absolutely right. It goes like this: - Papa deer: “Remember son, you have the power to make objects move by thought. If you see a car rolling towards you, STARE at it straight in the headlights and concentrate and move it with your mind.” - Son deer: “Isn’t that how grand…
If you had two successful startups, maybe chances are that you don't put much time into other activities which includes dating and the relationships that can come from dating?
If I said I was going to try to have a successful startup putting a couple hours a week into it now and then, what is the probability of success? So maybe the issue is going up a learning curve?
If you do eventually find yourself in a relationship, here is some advice for making it work from Emma McAdam and also the Gottmans: https://courses.therapyinanutshell.com/relationship-skills https://www.gottman.com/couples/workshops/art-science-of-lov...
The Gottmans also supply dating advice you can sign up for on their website, but I don't know what it is. I would guess though it is better than the "be an alpha male" advice you might find on a lot of internet sites.
And here is advice specific to hard-driving successful men making relationships work: https://beyond-driven.com/insideout1 "Discover The New Method That Hundreds Of Modern Men Have Used To Save Their Marriage, Reignite Their Sex Life, And Even Transform Their Careers... without ever going to marriage counseling, reading countless "self-help" books, or even mentioning a thing to their wife"
The core idea Tim Arrigo, guy behind that website, expresses in a related promo video is that the same conventional masculine traits that help me succeed in business (problem solving, suppressing emotions) lead to failures in their marriages. While I don't know the details of his approach, I've seen that theme before, like in the book "The Pleasure Trap" about how human behaviors to seek out salt, sweet, and fat (and conserve energy) that were so adaptive in our hunter/gatherer past lead to health disasters given our modern (processed) food supply. And I've also commented elsewhere on how people's traits that may help in one situation may hinder in another (like how paranoia may be useful for a programmer debugging complex code and being suspicious of every line but that paranoia may be corrosive in human relationships).
Many techies tend towards high-functioning Asperger's. If so, these may be of interest too, since relationships involving one or two Aspies can have some special dynamics: https://duckduckgo.com/?q=aspergers+and+relationships
On the other hand, maybe you just have been lucky so far? :-) As in, from a Philip Greenspun essay: https://philip.greenspun.com/careers/women-in-science "Speaking of fertility... A $400/hour divorce litigator said "Knowing what I know now, I could have made a lot more money going to a bar and working for one night than I have made by going to college, law school, and working for 20 years. It turns out that I was sitting on something worth a lot more than a law degree." What's the cash value of fertility compared to working in science? ... A divorce litigator put it a little more simply: "There is no reason for a woman to go to medical school. If she wants to have the spending power of a doctor she can just have sex with three doctors." ... In some states, though not Wisconsin, a plaintiff's own earnings or earning potential can reduce the potential profits from child support. "A degree in poetry is a lot better than a degree in medicine when you're a child support plaintiff," observed one litigator, and added "for a woman with a functioning reproductive system, the decision to attend college and work is seldom an economically rational one in the United States.""
No doubt there are various ways one can disagree with those selected divorce lawyer statements, of course. But they do suggest there can be potentially predatory "wrong women" out there if they believe those things. Of course, a woman in an unhappy relationship might also be more likely to drift in that direction of focusing on money? And the first links on building better relationships can help prevent that.
All the best in building mutually healthy relationships and raising a happy family if that is what you want.
Re: A complete guide to getting what you want (2018)
#110Earlier quoted context omitted.
As a woman, men who are focused on stuff like this (beyond basic physical and financial health) scare and repel me.
And what would you rather they do? Just "be themselves"? That advice is one of the primary root causes of the incel epidemic.
The problem is y'all keep trying to run last century's playbook.
Relationships are no longer transactional. The age of the breadwinner and provider are over. Women are no longer forced to stay home while you toil in the mines or whatever. You're optional.
Because you're optional, you need to be more desirable than no relationship and frankly, a lot of you aren't.