311–320 of 418 posts
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[flagged]
get help
If you have already decided that the only person who matters in your life is your spouse, then you have already decided I don't matter.
So what in the world are you doing here? What do you seek to gain?
Everything you have said to me so far amounts to two words: "fuck you". How am I to respond? In kind? That is the question I asked earlier in 3.
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> The casual sex "choice" doesn't apply to the majority of adults (most straight men don't have the option of multiple sex partners, most women don't want them) so it's difficult to see its relevance here. How much of that is social expectation? I can see the circular reasoning here: can I get out? That is a challenge. Social expectations set boundaries: changing those boundaries takes a lot of work. It's still possi…
> How much of that is social expectation? Yes, we can change social expectations and boundaries. We did change social expectations and boundaries. It was called the "Sexual Revolution" and it happened over half a century ago. It's old news. This is where we've ended up since then.
I could really use an aftershock.
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> The casual sex "choice" doesn't apply to the majority of adults (most straight men don't have the option of multiple sex partners, most women don't want them) so it's difficult to see its relevance here. How much of that is social expectation? I can see the circular reasoning here: can I get out? That is a challenge. Social expectations set boundaries: changing those boundaries takes a lot of work. It's still possi…
> How much of that is social expectation? Yes, we can change social expectations and boundaries. We did change social expectations and boundaries. It was called the "Sexual Revolution" and it happened over half a century ago. It's old news. This is where we've ended up since then.
Straight women’s sexuality is drastically different from gay men, lesbian women, and straight men. It’s not much of anything like the rest. There’s a desire for the attention and approval of straight men (probably due to patriarchal reasons) but there’s often a missing desire for the straight men as they are. (I assume this is more biological) It’s why we see so many straight women being completely content with living an asexual lifestyle whereas straight men are completely miserable.
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> societal expectations are against faith and trust in the other person That implies a need for faith and trust in a person. Where does is that need come from? Committed romance. If that isn't my goal, what do I have to fear?
i believe that need is an intrinsicaly human need
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Anecdote but I have had the same friends since I was 4. Like kindergarten friends. I have new friends as well but my kindergarten friends know me even better than I know myself. It's awesome every time we hang out. We basically laugh at everything. We learned to laugh with each other and literally created each other's sense of humor and social personality. I honestly feel so lucky. One of them moved 6 hours away but…
> It's like the SV lifestyle created ADHD in him. I'm not in Silicon Valley, but I am in tech, and I notice myself slipping towards this as well. More and more, I find myself letting the current hot topic of the day run through my mind non-stop, over and over. I am unable to simply take a break from it all. I no longer have the patience to just sit on a deck for an hour with my own thoughts, I have to be reading news…
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The age-old adage "luck is preparation plus opportunity" is relevant here. I decided a while ago to be better at being with people, and started preparing myself toward that goal. It's taken a while but I'm doing well now. Also I've set myself up for success by living in a place that attracts and fosters the kinds of folks I like to spend time with -- this is really super important, people aren't the same everywhere y…
My point is that I'm not worried about winning or losing the lottery. I'm not playing. I'm not missing out, either. The expectation is that I'm filling a void with casual relationships; and that that void is a single committed romance. I never had that void to begin with. I sincerely am fulfilled by uncommitted relationships. They aren't casual to me: they are as serious and meaningful to me as monogamous partnership…
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> There is more than one kind of relationship! Trying to equate them all as relationships is a misdirection. Relationships with your friends, parents, children, and spouse are not going to be comparable ever. They each have their place. We are trying to flatten them out to how they make us feel. This is an obtuse hammer for an intricately shaped interior. Example: children are about the future, friendships are not co…
> Example: children are about the future, friendships are not commitments, parents are a compass, spouse is life insurance. (I am simplifying to make a point.) If you're simplifying you're missing the point of this. But I suspect you're not just simplifying to make a point, but this is actually what you believe. Maybe you've never had a really close friendship that you've felt obligated to keep alive. That requires w…
Back to the point made before, relationships are being defined as feelings like feeling obligated to keep it alive. You are kind of bottling the definition of relationships to just "feelings" and ignoring relationships formed with explicit terms, like marriages are made.
Some relationships are defined by blood and some by a contract (like a marriage contract) and others by history. Some relationships are friendly. Some relationships are self-serving and when the needs are met or if they change, the relationship disappears. Virtually all non-blood relationships are bound by an implicit "trade". If the trade ceases, the relationship disappears.
The rest of the points you made are lost on me. I don't know which direction you are going in. It might be etiquette and courtesy, which are governing principles of respect. And respect is also a form of trade.
As advanced countries' systems for marriage and child-rearing continue to fail, there is a constant demand for cope. What if we learned to love being single? What if we substitute friendship for marriage? 64 ways to enjoy retirement on your own! This is the collective version of listening to an alcoholic explain why he doesn't have a problem.
> As advanced countries' systems for marriage and child-rearing continue to fail US divorce rates are at a 50-year low.
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> There is more than one kind of relationship! Trying to equate them all as relationships is a misdirection. Relationships with your friends, parents, children, and spouse are not going to be comparable ever. They each have their place. We are trying to flatten them out to how they make us feel. This is an obtuse hammer for an intricately shaped interior. Example: children are about the future, friendships are not co…
> Trying to equate them all as relationships is a misdirection. Relationships with your friends, parents, children, and spouse are not going to be comparable ever. Certainly not with that attitude! I don't require commitment, therefore I am not interested in a spouse. Remember: I am not you.
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Relationship isn't what we are You don't see it this way, but unfortunately, "traditional" marriage & gender roles, including having lots of kids has become an ID pol issue for political conservatives and the religious right. In the past, we see conservatives attacks on abortion and espousal of replacement theory. Very recently, we've seen legislation come up to try and do away with no-fault divorce. Also see the tra…
I'm intimately familiar with this reality. I'm here to confront it.