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What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

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Re: What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

#291

Post by nemo44x »

ri45 wrote: post #267
nemo44x wrote: post #235

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You need to maintain your friends relationships from younger days. You need to check-in, maintain a social circle, etc. It takes work. The magic is if you keep your core group close (and it's easier today with the Internet to keep in touch) then when you are able to get together (may be once a year!) you'l just pick it up like you hung out yesterday.

I want to maintain these friendships and relationships but after a point, I’m tired of being the first one to reach out all the time, the one word replies, and all the anxiety surrounding their very late replies. There is no such thing as busy, the average American checks their phone 96 times a day. If they want you, they’ll make time for you. It’s heartbreaking when it goes to this from a point where we’d talk for h…

Remember, you don't know what they're going through. Try calling at a time of day that makes sense. It's direct and synchronous. Ask them how they are and what's new in their life. Try and find time to meetup.

Life gets really busy for people and they might see the commitment it takes as something they just don't have time for right now. Or maybe you've grown apart.

You can always ask them if everything is alright between you both.

Re: What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

#292

Post by pierat »

nineplay wrote: post #203
pierat wrote: post #190

Earlier quoted context omitted.

When I was working at Starbucks ages ago, my best friend would come on by regularly. We're both tall men. Coworkers thought I was gay, and had a sexual relationship with him, because it was and still is a strong bond. In actuality, Im bisexual, and we weren't in a sexual relationship. But men aren't "allowed" to have close bonds with other men. There are exceptions: military, police, mens social clubs (masons, shrine…

Disclaimer: I do not live in a red state or a red city. My impression is that in red states or red cities you would not have had a the same level of acceptance. Maybe I read too much sensational media, but the situation seems to be getting worse and worse for men who don't care what society thinks.

To be fair, I was working at the Starbucks in a red state, in a red city.

However I would also agree that overall decorum has definitely deteriorated. It used to be someone who disapproved would either grit their teeth or just leave. Now, I've seen shouting matches over that sort of stuff.

I guess it could always have been that bad, just not for "normies". And now with less decorum, those normally quiet harassment is now blatant and in your face.

I don't think it's just your perception of social media.

Re: What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

#293

Post by uoaei »

vorpalhex wrote: post #183
uoaei wrote: post #131

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You'd be surprised what happens when you are kind and a good communicator with a healthy social life. I thought the same thing when I was younger but now I'm in the prime of my dating and casual sex life. I try not to hold tightly to expectations but can see this path in life leading to some new close friendships with the possibility of closer partnerships ahead. The trick is to prioritize the people around you, rath…

> can see this path in life leading to some new close friendships with the possibility of closer partnerships ahead. Just a few more pulls and the big payout will come. You've spent so many quarters on the slot machine, it'll definitely pay out at any moment. > thought the same thing when I was younger but now I'm in the prime of my dating and casual sex life. I had a very charismatic friend who ended up in this situ…

Casual sex can mean multiple things, I suppose, from one-night-stands to consistent fuck-buddies/FWB situations. I tend toward the latter, because I'm picky and it's hard for me to get involved with someone I don't have a deeper connection with.

Re: What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

#294

Post by thomastjeffery »

uoaei wrote: post #227
thomastjeffery wrote: post #219

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Just a few more pulls and the big payout will come. You've spent so many quarters on the slot machine, it'll definitely pay out at any moment. You sound like someone who has won at gambling. Your success is not the only possible or valid path. What you have shared may be wise advice, but advice itself is never a guarantee.

The age-old adage "luck is preparation plus opportunity" is relevant here. I decided a while ago to be better at being with people, and started preparing myself toward that goal. It's taken a while but I'm doing well now. Also I've set myself up for success by living in a place that attracts and fosters the kinds of folks I like to spend time with -- this is really super important, people aren't the same everywhere y…

My point is that I'm not worried about winning or losing the lottery. I'm not playing. I'm not missing out, either.

The expectation is that I'm filling a void with casual relationships; and that that void is a single committed romance.

I never had that void to begin with. I sincerely am fulfilled by uncommitted relationships. They aren't casual to me: they are as serious and meaningful to me as monogamous partnership is to my parents.

The most important part to me is empathy. I crave new ideas and perspectives: I get them by empathizing with more people.

Re: What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

#295

Post by thomastjeffery »

nashashmi wrote: post #230
thomastjeffery wrote: post #59

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: There is more than one kind of relationship! It's exhausting to constantly hear about romantic commitment as if it's the barometer for all relationships . That's absurd! Did it truly never cross your mind that a person can have more than one meaningful relationship in their lives? No wonder people are so lonely! You don't need one or the other: you can participate in a close…

> There is more than one kind of relationship! Trying to equate them all as relationships is a misdirection. Relationships with your friends, parents, children, and spouse are not going to be comparable ever. They each have their place. We are trying to flatten them out to how they make us feel. This is an obtuse hammer for an intricately shaped interior. Example: children are about the future, friendships are not co…

> Trying to equate them all as relationships is a misdirection. Relationships with your friends, parents, children, and spouse are not going to be comparable ever.

Certainly not with that attitude!

I don't require commitment, therefore I am not interested in a spouse.

Remember: I am not you.

Re: What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

#296

Post by adamrezich »

mschuster91 wrote: post #117
dash2 wrote: post #23

As advanced countries' systems for marriage and child-rearing continue to fail, there is a constant demand for cope. What if we learned to love being single? What if we substitute friendship for marriage? 64 ways to enjoy retirement on your own! This is the collective version of listening to an alcoholic explain why he doesn't have a problem.

> As advanced countries' systems for marriage and child-rearing continue to fail, there is a constant demand for cope. Make childcare not a choice between living in poverty and not, and people will have children again. Many of my generation including myself can't afford children despite us wanting to. The worst problem is obviously housing costs and cost of living in general, coupled with wage stagnation. We don't wa…

> We don't want women to be stay-at-home mothers for good reasons, but society as it is hasn't caught up with that

not all women—my wife, for example—agree with this sentiment.

we bought a house and got married, but my income alone is not enough to pay our mortgage, bills, food, etc.

we want to have children as soon as possible, but unfortunately we don't know when that will be, purely due to financial constraints.

in the meantime, my wife must work to supplement our income to keep us afloat, and to accumulate some savings for having children later on.

I'm a full-time-employed programmer for our local school district. in an ideal world, my salary alone would be enough to support raising a family. but, today, this is not the case.

fortunately, we may have a solution that could work for us, as it's presently working for a close friend: have the wife run a small, in-home daycare for a few other children, in addition to taking care of our own.

it's a less-than-ideal solution—we'd love to have the mother of our children spend her full time and attention on just our own kids—but that's not really feasible in today's society, unless you are lucky to have generational wealth or some such.

and, of course, this is all from the perspective of someone who doesn't have any sort of temporal limit on my ability to procreate—I can only try my best to understand how my wife feels, living through her prime fertility years anxiously waiting for the Right Time To Birth Children, purely based on financial constraints.

but anyway, believe it or not, there are women out there who would love to do nothing else but raise children and take care of the family home, while the husband provides income through work. it's really unfortunate that we've chosen, as a society, to sideline the desires that these women have for their lives, which were the unquestioned societal norm only a few short generations ago.

Re: What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

#297

Post by avar »

rocketbop wrote: post #279
avar wrote: post #69

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It is true. Only around 60% of Americans reside in the state they were born in. Whereas the median foreign born population in the EU in total is around 10-15%, and an even smaller percentage of that is internal EU migration. In both cases it's going to be migration from say New York to New Jersey, or The Netherlands to Belgium. So in terms of tearing up your roots it's not much of a move. But Americans routinely move…

I’m not sure that’s like for like. Moving state in the US is not comparable with moving between European countries because of linguistic differences. Moving to another city in the same country is popular. And even in terms of not moving city the image of people settling down in the same part of the city that they grew up and all being near their high school friends is just not reality.

It's not in general, but the topic here is keeping in touch with your friends and family, not the relative culture shock of moving domestically or internationally.

The real metric you'd want is travel time to "home base" in hours. I'm just suggesting that inter-state/country moves are a useful fuzzy approximation of that.

Re: What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

#298

Post by mjh2539 »

adamrezich wrote: post #138
nathan_compton wrote: post #85

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Uh. Catholicism calls for you to love everyone to the point of torture and death. It is weird that you missed this message. The Catholic line would be something like "God created marriage as a kind of metaphor for your relationship with all people, as a kind of easy arena where you can play out the kind of love that you should extend to the entire world." Jesus, after all, did not die for a wife except in this very m…

Catholicism calls for one to commit to at least one Sacrament of Service: Holy Orders and/or Matrimony.

Consecrated life and holy matrimony are supererogatory.

Re: What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was at the Center of Life?

#299

Post by [deleted] »

avar wrote: post #69
rocketbop wrote: post #57

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This doesn’t ring true to me at all. My Irish high school friends have scattered to the winds. And in my adopted European city everyone I know is from somewhere else. Europe isn’t one thing though maybe where you are your scenario is the norm.

It is true. Only around 60% of Americans reside in the state they were born in. Whereas the median foreign born population in the EU in total is around 10-15%, and an even smaller percentage of that is internal EU migration. In both cases it's going to be migration from say New York to New Jersey, or The Netherlands to Belgium. So in terms of tearing up your roots it's not much of a move. But Americans routinely move…

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