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Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

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Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#141

Post by lannisterstark »

pengaru wrote: post #100
csallen wrote: post #4

> "Researchers also find that when we develop groups, our friendships are more sustainable than they are with individuals. Because there's multiple touch points now, right? Someone else in the group could reach out to all of us, and then we all keep in touch." This is the most important tip in the article, in my experience. When I lived in SF, most of my friend hangs were 1-on-1 catchups over coffee or lunch. Schedul…

How is this not just tribalism vs. meaningful 1-on-1 connections?

It is. OP probably isn't thinking(or cares about, if I were to be cynical) about the people in the group who are peer-pressured into joining (by some of their other 'friends' probably) and are just anxious/awkward throughout but can't/don't want to say anything.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#142

Post by legerdemain »

projectazorian wrote: post #50
sublinear wrote: post #14

> continuous unplanned interaction and shared vulnerability So... become a regular at local restaurants, random coffee shops, bars, clubs, farmer's markets, parks, hiking trails, start a band, volunteer somewhere, join a gym, travel, etc. In other words, get out more?

> So... become a regular at local restaurants, random coffee shops, bars, clubs, farmer's markets, parks, hiking trails, start a band, volunteer somewhere, join a gym, travel, etc. Maybe this used to work, but it no longer does. I'm a regular at several local hangouts, hit the gym several days a week, and go out to other activities regularly. I rarely have conversations with anyone beyond perfunctory pleasantries wit…

I concur. I'm at every local cafe, to the point that the baristas recognize my order, and I'm at the gym at the same time most days of the week. After gym, I go to the supermarket next to it to buy some fruit or a drink, and the cashiers recognize me. I'm also in a bunch of local meetups.

This has not led to any organic conversation that could lead to something deeper.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#143

Post by RamblingCTO »

F-W-M wrote: post #92
imheretolearn wrote: post #46

The article does not mention how immigrants can make friends. Not all but most natives treat immigrants as outsiders. I get it that you are more likely to be friends with someone who is similar to you. If it was difficult for a city girl to make friends with people who look like her but grew up in a different location, I can't even imagine how difficult it must be for immigrants who don't look the same, have a differ…

I live in germany and work in an international company. I am the only german on my team. A lot of the younger colleagues blame their difficulties on making friends on german racism and stay in their expat circles, but the truth is: it's hard for everyone here.

I live in a very international big German city, so we have plenty of expats. But what I notice is that they are generally shy to approach others, initiating contact or driving the conversation actively. They also tend to stick together in expat groups. So it's a turn off for me if I have to carry the conversation. It's easy to blame the people for shrugging off immigrants but I feel it's their duty to check the local concepts and expectations for communication and relationships.

I also feel that this is generally only true for non-western immigrants. Never had any problems with aussies or americans.

I also agree that making friends is very hard in Germany, but absolutely doable. My life hack: use "Neu in $city" facebook groups, go to boulder gyms and be open minded, smile and take initiative. Talk to people! And then build groups, as mentioned in the top comment (atm).

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#144

Post by langsoul-com »

imheretolearn wrote: post #46

The article does not mention how immigrants can make friends. Not all but most natives treat immigrants as outsiders. I get it that you are more likely to be friends with someone who is similar to you. If it was difficult for a city girl to make friends with people who look like her but grew up in a different location, I can't even imagine how difficult it must be for immigrants who don't look the same, have a differ…

It's pretty universal for people to hang with groups that are similar to them.

Expats hang with Expats, natives with natives etc etc.

Tends to be easier

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#146

Post by langsoul-com »

Friends are hard to make, there's just so much to do and so little time. It requires effort, dedication and possibility of rejection.

Striking out, saying hello, trying to meet new people is a very difficult action.

If you have a partner, it might not matter so much. After all, they have friends, and catchups means they could be your friends with no real effort expended. But alone? Well, welcome to adulting.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#147

Post by usrusr »

legerdemain wrote: post #110
thesnowdog wrote: post #101

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That sounds like too many people; three or four usually works best in my experience.

That's 1.5 to 2 couples. I haven't had a lot of single coworkers who also do brunch instead of, say, DOTA.

Is "couples" the reason? I (implicitly, no idea why now that you bring it up) read the other descriptions of weeklies as not-with-partner events. Perhaps not strictly not-with-partner, but default without.

"Couples" puts everybody in involuntary performance mode. It starts super harmless, the "and" element (the side in a couple that came along) having a natural desire to be good with the friends of their partner (the "and" side is prone to greatly overestimate the depth of the relationship that lead to the invite!), the other side (the one that had the "link") trying to make their partner feel good with that group. So far so good, everybody does the reasonable thing, sounds super nice. But that very same thing happens within every couple, nobody in the room who isn't in "prove myself to my partner" mode. Before you know it escalates into a take-no-prisoners battle of showing off which couple functions best. It's certainly possible with couples despite all this, but there is infinitely more that could go wrong along the way.

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#148

Post by thimkerbell »

nrp wrote: post #114
legerdemain wrote: post #106

Earlier quoted context omitted.

IME, everything in SF that young people might want to go to is packed full of young people who made reservations a couple of weeks in advance. Not a lot of venues for drop-in occasions that accommodate 6-20 people dipping in and out. Edit: I can sort of imagine this happening at a bar with an unusually big patio, like SF's Zeitgeist. Not that Zeitgeist has a huge patio, it's just huge for the area. And if this gather…

Dolores Park on any sunny afternoon.

Yes, it should be at a park.

What sort of activity?

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#149

Post by thimkerbell »

yieldcrv wrote: post #81
shalmanese wrote: post #35

Earlier quoted context omitted.

One thing I found strange about SF is that I never found a group that would do the weekly hang. The weekly hang is a socially porous experience, it has a fixed location and fixed start time but everything else is improvised. Different people could dip in and out, people felt free to bring new friends, people they just started dating, friends from out of town etc. Some people came once and never again, others become r…

I had in friends in SF that tried, I just couldn't get on board with their concept of fun I wasn't into board game night, I also tried DnD which was ok but what an arduous turn based system and ritual, the weeknight bars were meh (to me), weeknight nightlife was pathetic compared to actual “world class” cities, some of my friends did well in the bouldering scene, there was a time when I was interested in free pizza a…

Makerspace?

Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)

#150

Post by thimkerbell »

legerdemain wrote: post #95
csallen wrote: post #4

> "Researchers also find that when we develop groups, our friendships are more sustainable than they are with individuals. Because there's multiple touch points now, right? Someone else in the group could reach out to all of us, and then we all keep in touch." This is the most important tip in the article, in my experience. When I lived in SF, most of my friend hangs were 1-on-1 catchups over coffee or lunch. Schedul…

For a while, that was my strategy to cultivate a social life: organizing brunches with 6-10 former teammates and acquaintances. As social occasions, the brunches didn't lead to anything in my life. The guests made extremely generic smalltalk. I don't know if anyone had fun. I didn't get invited to anything else in those people's lives. I was kind of glad that COVID killed the brunches because of how fruitless they we…

I would like to know how people do salons that work.
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