I tend to lose friends every time I start talking about Emacs.
Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)
31–40 of 371 posts
Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)
#32Earlier quoted context omitted.
I hate hanging out in groups and almost exclusively do 1:1. I have no problem talking to my friends for hours on end, it never feels like a chore and I always makes time. Your experience reads quite strangely to me. Even if there is nothing new to talk about, spending time with friends is rewarding in itself.
I don’t think they were saying that the 1:1 time itself was a chore, so much as the logistics behind them. I completely agree. Another nice thing about group hangouts is that not everyone needs to be there so it makes scheduling a lot simpler.
Just the wording in that particular post made it seem like a lot of work. I have had 'friends' like that in the past, and if you need things to 'pile up' so you can hold a conversation, and you find it hard to motivate yourself to do the logistics and make time, maybe they're not the most compatible people for you.
However I can't judge, because I personally dislike group hangouts, so I can understand if conversely someone finds arranging 1:1 meetings difficult.
Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)
#33> "Researchers also find that when we develop groups, our friendships are more sustainable than they are with individuals. Because there's multiple touch points now, right? Someone else in the group could reach out to all of us, and then we all keep in touch." This is the most important tip in the article, in my experience. When I lived in SF, most of my friend hangs were 1-on-1 catchups over coffee or lunch. Schedul…
Thats an interesting take. I prefer 1:1 type of events, or maybe a small group. I just find it easier to hold a conversation that way. I don’t have too many friends, so the time factor is not an issue for me.
I think 1:1 is best for close friends who you have a strong connection with, and groups are better for more casual friends. You can have a group hangout with people who in 1:1 format you'd struggle to converse with. Personally I don't have any of those friends anymore so I don't do group hangouts.
Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)
#34I tend to lose friends every time I start talking about Emacs.
That’s because you should switch to Vim, then you would have more friends.
Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)
#35> "Researchers also find that when we develop groups, our friendships are more sustainable than they are with individuals. Because there's multiple touch points now, right? Someone else in the group could reach out to all of us, and then we all keep in touch." This is the most important tip in the article, in my experience. When I lived in SF, most of my friend hangs were 1-on-1 catchups over coffee or lunch. Schedul…
One thing I found strange about SF is that I never found a group that would do the weekly hang.
The weekly hang is a socially porous experience, it has a fixed location and fixed start time but everything else is improvised. Different people could dip in and out, people felt free to bring new friends, people they just started dating, friends from out of town etc. Some people came once and never again, others become regulars. The hallmark of a great weekly hang is that the entire initial cohort gets replaced but the weekly hang still persists.
It's a commitment in time that "busy professionals" ostensibly had no time for which is why I think it was so unpopular in SF but it really killed a big part of the vibe of the city for me.
Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)
#36> "Researchers also find that when we develop groups, our friendships are more sustainable than they are with individuals. Because there's multiple touch points now, right? Someone else in the group could reach out to all of us, and then we all keep in touch." This is the most important tip in the article, in my experience. When I lived in SF, most of my friend hangs were 1-on-1 catchups over coffee or lunch. Schedul…
I hate hanging out in groups and almost exclusively do 1:1. I have no problem talking to my friends for hours on end, it never feels like a chore and I always makes time. Your experience reads quite strangely to me. Even if there is nothing new to talk about, spending time with friends is rewarding in itself.
It’s a scaling issue. If you have a lot of friends 1:1 don’t scale.
Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)
#37[deleted]
Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)
#38What about those of us who have always struggled to make friends, even when we were kids? Are we uncool?
Yes, yes you are uncool. You are probably a nerd who likes to talk about topics of interest, rather than people and social matters. Nerds are much more interesting, really. They’ve spent enough time on things they are obsessed about to have something to discuss. It’s not all “kids, schooling, housing, weather”. My favourite thing is to meet a nerd with an obsession outside of my own, as there is so much to learn.
I enjoy talking to people about things that aren’t sports, celebrities, or the latest popular show to binge
Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)
#39What about those of us who have always struggled to make friends, even when we were kids? Are we uncool?
[deleted]
Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)
#40The article is right that intentionality in relationships is critical. I think it's a commonly romanticized view that relationships shouldn't feel like "work" if they're good relationships, but I think that view does a disservice to the effort that goes into building a deep and fulfilling connection. Lifelong connections don't happen by accident.
I also agree with csallen's comment. Introducing my friends to each other was one of my projects for last year and its made my whole world closer and more convenient. Now if I ever want to see a movie, have a day in the park, have a dinner I know I can make a general invitation and whoever is free and interested can show up and, because they already know each other, everyone will have a great time.
If you trust your friends to see in each other (or at least respect) what you see in each of them individually and if they're mature adults, there should be no issue with introducing people to each other. This practice has been a good way for me to re-examine some of my own unconscious biases about which of my friends would get along with one another based on superficial qualities (such as their occupations or backgrounds) and I've been pleasantly surprised by the friendships that have blossomed out of the introductions I've made.
As a side note, I still identify as an introvert and still get the most fulfillment out of 1:1 conversations. I don't think you need to be an extrovert to hang out in groups or be the social glue in your world. I was inspired to start introducing friends to one another because I realized how grateful I was - as an introvert - when I first moved to a new city and one of the friends I made was super welcoming and inclusive with their friends. It made me want to serve in that role myself and I'm so glad I got over my shyness and anxiety. I think if you approach adult relationships with intentionality you'll often be surprised by how receptive people are - I find most people have a desire to make new friends, but they're often afraid to take the first initiative.