I tend to lose friends every time I start talking about Emacs.
That’s because you should switch to Vim, then you would have more friends.
Nano kids are the cool kids.
Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)
41–50 of 371 posts
Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)
#42> "Researchers also find that when we develop groups, our friendships are more sustainable than they are with individuals. Because there's multiple touch points now, right? Someone else in the group could reach out to all of us, and then we all keep in touch." This is the most important tip in the article, in my experience. When I lived in SF, most of my friend hangs were 1-on-1 catchups over coffee or lunch. Schedul…
One thing I found strange about SF is that I never found a group that would do the weekly hang. The weekly hang is a socially porous experience, it has a fixed location and fixed start time but everything else is improvised. Different people could dip in and out, people felt free to bring new friends, people they just started dating, friends from out of town etc. Some people came once and never again, others become r…
I’ve never heard of this sort of thing. It almost seems more like an informal club than a group of friends. (Not to knock the idea, it seems interesting).
Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)
#43Earlier quoted context omitted.
One thing I found strange about SF is that I never found a group that would do the weekly hang. The weekly hang is a socially porous experience, it has a fixed location and fixed start time but everything else is improvised. Different people could dip in and out, people felt free to bring new friends, people they just started dating, friends from out of town etc. Some people came once and never again, others become r…
I’ve never heard of this sort of thing. It almost seems more like an informal club than a group of friends. (Not to knock the idea, it seems interesting).
Really? I feel like every time I'm in another part of the country for more than a few days, one of my friends will invite me to their weekly hang and I get to meet a bunch of other cool folk.
Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)
#44I have no friends. I moved again in the last year. I have my brother, my parents, and my wife. It’s really hard to make good quality friends. Honestly, I couldn’t be bothered right now to invest that kind of time and effort. I hope that changes one day, but at this rate I’ll probably make friends among the parents of my kids friends one day. I just have other priorities now. I’m content, and I have a solid marriage.…
My daughter is 4 and in the last year I've started hanging out with a few other dads from her preschool. It's been fun knocking back a beer while the kids go feral. I appreciate the diversity of thought vs. spending my days talking with coworkers. It definitely takes effort on everyone's part to follow through on plans, and having a supportive spouse helps.
Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)
#45Eh, why not both!?
Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)
#46The article does not mention how immigrants can make friends. Not all but most natives treat immigrants as outsiders. I get it that you are more likely to be friends with someone who is similar to you. If it was difficult for a city girl to make friends with people who look like her but grew up in a different location, I can't even imagine how difficult it must be for immigrants who don't look the same, have a different accent and grew up in a different culture. People living in big cities like NY, San Francisco may have a few friends from a different country but that is not representative of the entire population of immigrants. Also, I like to think that the nature of friendships is entirely different depending on where you grew up. The North American definition of a friend is very different from an Indian definition of a friend. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's difficult enough to start over in a new country all by yourself and making friends is even more difficult than that.
Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)
#47I'm talkative, outgoing and pretty funny in real life. I think I can say that people generally enjoy my company.
But I only have about three friends, and I see them maybe four times a year.
I really get along with my coworkers and enjoy their company at work. My wife thinks I should make more friends.
But the truth is (and I suspect this is pretty common with HN'ers), I don't want more friends!
Because in addition to those three friends, there's siblings, siblings-in-law, husbands of siblings-in-law, parents, parents-in-law, cousins, my wife's friends, my wife's friends' husbands, etc etc. And they all wanna see you!
That, plus of course spending time with my lovely wife/daughter (which I love to do), leaves not much alone-time to explore all the awesome stuff you can do in this world. Play guitar. Read a great piece of literature. Learn to draw. Learn Blender. Build some furniture. Grow a fruit tree. Grow five fruit trees. Keep a hot compost pile (more amazing to see than you'd think). Write a shitty piece of music. Learn to weld. Lift weights. Run.
There's just so much great stuff to do. I like people, they're great. But I guard my alone-time like a precious gemstone.
Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)
#48I have no friends. I moved again in the last year. I have my brother, my parents, and my wife. It’s really hard to make good quality friends. Honestly, I couldn’t be bothered right now to invest that kind of time and effort. I hope that changes one day, but at this rate I’ll probably make friends among the parents of my kids friends one day. I just have other priorities now. I’m content, and I have a solid marriage.…
> make good quality friends
Maybe your putting to much emphasis on good and quality and filtering them?
Like you already know friends come and go. Who cares if they're good and quality(ok to some degree... but the average person isn't immoral) As long as you can hang out and do something you should be good. They're friends, your not having a kid with them.
I think when we were younger, well me atleast, there was a huge emphasis on dont be popular, small amounts of good friends are better then having lots of friends . thats probably good advice for a ten year old struggling with self esteem. But as an adult? Who cares, be friends with everyone. If you really can't stand them, they'll be gone before you know it, just like the good ones.
Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)
#49Earlier quoted context omitted.
One thing I found strange about SF is that I never found a group that would do the weekly hang. The weekly hang is a socially porous experience, it has a fixed location and fixed start time but everything else is improvised. Different people could dip in and out, people felt free to bring new friends, people they just started dating, friends from out of town etc. Some people came once and never again, others become r…
I’ve never heard of this sort of thing. It almost seems more like an informal club than a group of friends. (Not to knock the idea, it seems interesting).
Weekly hangs are real. I have started and participated in several. I think a key to a good group hang is to have an activity that serves as a base narrative for why everyone is together. The activity should be easy enough for newcomers to join in, and compelling enough to keep people coming back.
Re: Making friends as an adult is hard (2021)
#50> continuous unplanned interaction and shared vulnerability So... become a regular at local restaurants, random coffee shops, bars, clubs, farmer's markets, parks, hiking trails, start a band, volunteer somewhere, join a gym, travel, etc. In other words, get out more?
> So... become a regular at local restaurants, random coffee shops, bars, clubs, farmer's markets, parks, hiking trails, start a band, volunteer somewhere, join a gym, travel, etc.
Maybe this used to work, but it no longer does. I'm a regular at several local hangouts, hit the gym several days a week, and go out to other activities regularly. I rarely have conversations with anyone beyond perfunctory pleasantries with the staff. Neither does anyone else; since COVID people almost exclusively stick to themselves or the group they came with.
There's been the odd occasion where I do get someone's contact info like the article suggests. So I text and the conversation tends to be some variation of "I'm busy the next couple of weeks, I'll text when I can hang out!" Of course they never do. Following up yields the same result and also reeks of desperation, so I no longer do that.
Meanwhile people seem to regard friendships as disposable lately. Within the past year I've been repeatedly ghosted and excluded from activities by longstanding friends for some perceived offense that I only found out about secondhand weeks later. Apologizing had no effect, and I regret doing it.
So now, I have almost no friends in my current town aside from my spouse, and rather than continue on with this charade we have decided to move back east - where probably the cycle will repeat itself, but at least in a more familiar environment where socializing is slightly easier.