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Why don’t more people live close to friends?

annehelen.substack.com

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Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#101

Post by rcarr »

naremu wrote: post #25

I've been wondering how related these feelings of distance and isolation in the middle of society are to how the area is designed. I had always known for a long time the "why" I didn't want to go out on weekends and such, but it wasn't until I watched some of those videos from "Not Just Bikes" that it really, really struck me. I literally dread finding parking more than I enjoy finding friends. And suburban (and fran…

Here’s another thing no one talks about because it’s taboo: drink driving. Right up until the mid 70s, it was completely socially acceptable to drink and drive. Now I agree that it was probably a good thing that’s it’s been banned, but having to pay for and organise transportation to go to whatever event it is you want to go to adds another substantial layer of friction to socialising. Not to mention the fact that the alcohol itself meant people were probably more sociable. It seems that due to all our technological and cultural change since the 70s we’re living physically healthier and safer lives but at the cost of poorer social and mental health.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#102

Post by mozman »

naremu wrote: post #25

I've been wondering how related these feelings of distance and isolation in the middle of society are to how the area is designed. I had always known for a long time the "why" I didn't want to go out on weekends and such, but it wasn't until I watched some of those videos from "Not Just Bikes" that it really, really struck me. I literally dread finding parking more than I enjoy finding friends. And suburban (and fran…

Parking is never a problem in rural or less dense areas. Downtown and trendy areas tend to be a parking nightmare but you can solve this with money.

Valet parking, paid garages, or Uber are all quite convenient but pricey.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#104

Post by thewebcount »

com2kid wrote: post #47
clipsy wrote: post #27

Earlier quoted context omitted.

For what it's worth, as the rare suburbanite HNer, I fondly recall my family having the same sort of relationships with neighbors in the late 80's and 90's; unfortunately the same just doesn't seem to happen even in socioeconomically comparable suburbs today. Even just attempts to strike up small talk with a neighbor when we both happen to be outside at the same time are usually rebuffed, and the idea that anyone wou…

> For what it's worth, as the rare suburbanite HNer, I fondly recall my family having the same sort of relationships with neighbors in the late 80's and 90's; unfortunately the same just doesn't seem to happen even in socioeconomically comparable suburbs today. I used to live in a townhome in Kirkland Washington, ~10 minutes from Microsoft's main campus. One year my wife and I made Christmas cookies and went door to…

At the last house we lived in, we were renting. We got a constant stream of real estate agents knocking on our door asking if we’d be willing to let them sell it. So when we got a knock one morning I opened the door and kind of yelled at the person, “WHAT DO YOU WANT?” It was a new neighbor that had moved in a few doors down bringing us a bottle of wine and to let us know they were new to the neighborhood. I apologized for my boorish behavior, but they were apparently too shaken to get over it. Every time I saw them after that we’d wave at each other, but it was clear they wanted nothing to do with me. Until we decided to move out. Then they were very interested in the house and possibly buying it (I assume to flip it). The neighbor stopped me one day and said, “let us know as soon as you can when you’re moving out. We’d like to talk to the owners about buying it.” I never let them know. The entire act of bringing over a bottle of wine was just to try to get on our good side in case they ever wanted some favor from us. Meanwhile, the other neighbors we met there were great, and we still talk to them from time-to-time.

I can easily see your neighbors in Kirkland assuming you were either real estate agents, sales people, or trying to convert them to another religion or something like that.

Edited for clarity.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#105

Post by JamisonM »

Seems like the obvious answer to this question is just greed and/or ambition, right? The target audience for this article seems to be white collar workers and most professionals can mostly live wherever they want, they just have to accept the pay grade & accommodations that come along with that choice: none of which involve poverty or desperate circumstances.

Anyhoo.. anyone that wants advice about making friends locally my only offering is go volunteer at a local community organization, help run the local community hall or skating rink, you'll meet interesting people with pro-social views. If you find people like that to be around what you find is that being their friends is pretty easy.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#106

Post by scarface74 »

rcarr wrote: post #101
naremu wrote: post #25

I've been wondering how related these feelings of distance and isolation in the middle of society are to how the area is designed. I had always known for a long time the "why" I didn't want to go out on weekends and such, but it wasn't until I watched some of those videos from "Not Just Bikes" that it really, really struck me. I literally dread finding parking more than I enjoy finding friends. And suburban (and fran…

Here’s another thing no one talks about because it’s taboo: drink driving. Right up until the mid 70s, it was completely socially acceptable to drink and drive. Now I agree that it was probably a good thing that’s it’s been banned, but having to pay for and organise transportation to go to whatever event it is you want to go to adds another substantial layer of friction to socialising. Not to mention the fact that th…

Uber makes things a lot simpler.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#107

Post by legerdemain »

lotsofpulp wrote: post #70
marcell wrote: post #50

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"Friendship" doesn't happen in a vacuum. You need dependence and value exchange between two "friends." Technology has replaced most of our needs and dependence on other people, with great economic benefit. The downside is it eliminates the need for other humans, and consequently removes the potential for fulfilling relationships. Just two example out of millions: Uber reduces the need to have friends drive you to the…

This comment puts into words what I feel. For example, my parents generation immigrated to the US, and are very close as a diaspora/tribe. They can go to any city and visit a friend of a friend’s house and be considered friends themselves. But they all went through the same immigrant struggle of establishing themselves in a foreign nation, relying on their network to be able to vacation and travel since they did not…

Counterpoint: my parents came to the US when I was a child and they have none of those things. Their family ties weren't strong enough to last. Their ties to family back home deteriorated. There is no diaspora of extended family in other cities. Their own relationship was toxic and abusive, and they divorced. They are now living out old age alienated, isolated, and alone. They're not rare, they're just not nearly as vocal as the "my big, fat Greek wedding"-type people.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#108

Post by com2kid »

thewebcount wrote: post #104
com2kid wrote: post #47

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> For what it's worth, as the rare suburbanite HNer, I fondly recall my family having the same sort of relationships with neighbors in the late 80's and 90's; unfortunately the same just doesn't seem to happen even in socioeconomically comparable suburbs today. I used to live in a townhome in Kirkland Washington, ~10 minutes from Microsoft's main campus. One year my wife and I made Christmas cookies and went door to…

At the last house we lived in, we were renting. We got a constant stream of real estate agents knocking on our door asking if we’d be willing to let them sell it. So when we got a knock one morning I opened the door and kind of yelled at the person, “WHAT DO YOU WANT?” It was a new neighbor that had moved in a few doors down bringing us a bottle of wine and to let us know they were new to the neighborhood. I apologiz…

> I can easily see your neighbors in Kirkland assuming you were either real estate agents, sales people, or trying to convert them to another religion or something like that.

Given that I had lived there for 6+ months, they should in the very least have recognized me!

It wasn't like we had just moved in or anything.

We actually found that a lot of the renters there were more friendly than the owners, and over time we made friends with some of the neighbors, largely those who had moved in from overseas.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#109

Post by friendthrow242 »

carrolldunham wrote: post #82

I always get pushback for this but I think the idea that adults 'hang out with friends' is a meme from sitcoms. I think people grew up absorbing sitcom premises as representing life. I look at my parents and grandparents they don't have many friends - there's one or two people they see once or twice a year. That's normal. Having 3-5 people who you catch up with regularly through the week and hang out like teenagers,…

The Soviet Bloc is calling: after work, you would drop in to eat and drink with your friends; or your friends would drop by and eat and drink with you -- everyday.

Materially life sucked; but less shit to worry about, and you had the stuff that mattered: relationships. Couldn't get anywhere in that sort of world without them -- so everyone made an effort to cultivate friends, or atleast many acquaintances.

Now? You don't need friends -- you have money. Neither are you willing to suffer through another's perceived faults. Everyone is quick to turn others into persona non gratas because of silly things like political views, or a certain character quirk that drives the neurotic insane, or the way they dress, speak, or act.

Doesn't help that it starts at the familial level. If your family isn't large or your family hasn't made the effort to cultivate relationships, then you're less likely to be exposed to other people, and build your own from there. +1 to how most American families are tiny, and most aren't intimate with their extended family. No one knows how to get along with other people. Everyone has to be a perfect piece of furniture to be allowed a place in the dining room of one's life.

And who has the time? There's so much shit to do. Gotta spend all my free time building up my career. My neighbours? Why would I waste a perfectly good evening drinking and talking about life, when I could go to my company's happy hour to schmooze with my colleagues... or better yet: get a good night's rest so I can give my 100% to my company's: shareholders/c-suite/founders/whatever. My neighbours aren't gonna get me that promotion -- so fuck em.

Shit, my house needs renovations. I gotta bring my kids to piano recital. I gotta get a repair man for the washer. I gotta buy new clothes, because my old ones are starting to fall apart. I gotta bring my car for maintenance. I gotta watch entertainment because I'm so fucking exhausted from selling my mind for the privilege of being able to stay alive. Gotta set up a doctor's appointment because I got RSI in my hands. Gotta call up my insurance company because they denied another fucking claim.

Material prosperity is a pox on the human soul.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#110

Post by electriclove »

jabbany wrote: post #26

> You'd Be Happier Living Closer to Friends. Really though? Anecdotally I feel the opposite... Proximity tends to breed opportunities for conflict. Personally, I really appreciate the distinction between neighbors that you have a more "professional" relationship with versus friends who maybe you have fewer day-to-day contact with but can be more intimate emotionally...

Thanks for providing this POV. Many of the responses here seem to think that density is a good thing. I feel the completely opposite way -> I need space. I need space away from my neighbors. I like not having other people park their cars next to my home. I like not hearing my neighbors have an argument or a party. I like not sharing the walls of my home with others. I like walking on a path by myself sometimes.

There might be folks that like high density living, but please understand that there are others that prefer the opposite. It might be due to personality type or stage of life but there is no one size fits all.

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