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Why don’t more people live close to friends?

annehelen.substack.com

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Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#41

Post by nonethewiser »

clipsy wrote: post #27
nonethewiser wrote: post #5

Isn’t being friends with your neighbors a far more obvious answer to this? I thought that’s where this was going. > Sometime during the pandemic lockdowns, I began to nurture a fantasy,” Adrienne Matei writes. “What if I were neighbors with all of my friends? Every day, as I took long walks through North Vancouver that were still nowhere near long enough to land me at a single pal’s doorstep, I would reflect on the p…

For what it's worth, as the rare suburbanite HNer, I fondly recall my family having the same sort of relationships with neighbors in the late 80's and 90's; unfortunately the same just doesn't seem to happen even in socioeconomically comparable suburbs today. Even just attempts to strike up small talk with a neighbor when we both happen to be outside at the same time are usually rebuffed, and the idea that anyone wou…

Yeah you’re not wrong. It’s certainly part of a larger trend towards being less connected to your community. Some of that is obvious with large urban areas. Less personal space at home. No yard. Higher crime/distrust of strangers. You need tons of influence/power to be a leader in your community.

But the suburb example is less obvious. Perhaps connecting with the world through your computer/smartphone more than 1:1 is one reason. Although not all suburbs are the same. In larger cities the population is high enough that they fit the same profile I described above for the city proper.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#43

Post by courgette »

no_wizard wrote: post #2

A somewhat modern feeling I have is also that it’s hard to make close friends as an adult. There’s less willingness to interact with strangers or even the possible idea of having a good interaction with someone that’s a stranger. I think that would also help alleviate the problem significantly is if we were able to meet people in safe spaces somewhat randomly without people feeling like it’s an affront or something

I discovered that I can be instantly be close and talks about relatively deep subjects with most other foreign workers. ( I am too and it’s obvious )

Being severed from your own culture create a link.

And with people sharing a language, it’s even quicker.

A common ice breaker is to gently make fun of American.

Interesting point: I would probably never have talked with those folks back home. And they would have not either. It’s actually refreshing. We see each other back home as well.

—-

My actual point: when I come home, I started to behave the same way. And .. it kinda works.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#45

Post by quickthrower2 »

bradlys wrote: post #17

Cause we have an economy that has atomized everyone to where you have to fight for your own survival - constantly. I'd love having some of my friends be my neighbors. But I had to move cross country just to find a partner because living in Silicon Valley was going to leave me an incel. (No surprise - I leave and I've had far more partners than I ever did in SV) I'll move back eventually with a partner in tow but the…

It is a nice set of problems to have though, diversity of neighborhood or living with millionaires. Choosing to work somewhere you can do something you love for executive wages, or move to another city, with a move that costs pocket change so that you can find love.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#46

Post by david-gpu »

nine_k wrote: post #18
JumpCrisscross wrote: post #8

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> being friends with your neighbors a far more obvious answer to this Being friends with neighbours prioritises the home by making social interactions subservient to it. Being neighbours with your friends prioritises those people by deprecating where you live to it. There isn't a single answer. But speaking as someone with many acquaintances, including very good ones, but a handful of close friends (and maybe a dozen…

I'd say "a dozen or two" is a very high number. Enjoy and value your luck!

Presumably this person has prioritized their social life over the years. Having friends isn't a random accident.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#47

Post by com2kid »

clipsy wrote: post #27
nonethewiser wrote: post #5

Isn’t being friends with your neighbors a far more obvious answer to this? I thought that’s where this was going. > Sometime during the pandemic lockdowns, I began to nurture a fantasy,” Adrienne Matei writes. “What if I were neighbors with all of my friends? Every day, as I took long walks through North Vancouver that were still nowhere near long enough to land me at a single pal’s doorstep, I would reflect on the p…

For what it's worth, as the rare suburbanite HNer, I fondly recall my family having the same sort of relationships with neighbors in the late 80's and 90's; unfortunately the same just doesn't seem to happen even in socioeconomically comparable suburbs today. Even just attempts to strike up small talk with a neighbor when we both happen to be outside at the same time are usually rebuffed, and the idea that anyone wou…

> For what it's worth, as the rare suburbanite HNer, I fondly recall my family having the same sort of relationships with neighbors in the late 80's and 90's; unfortunately the same just doesn't seem to happen even in socioeconomically comparable suburbs today.

I used to live in a townhome in Kirkland Washington, ~10 minutes from Microsoft's main campus.

One year my wife and I made Christmas cookies and went door to door to hand them out. The vast majority of people shut their doors on us without saying a word, including some of my (at the time) fellow MS employees still wearing their badges from work that day.

A couple years ago I moved to Seattle proper. When we moved in, neighbors brought us over cookies.

The difference is astounding. People here talk to each other with quite a bit of frequency, neighborhoods organize block parties, BBQs, and other such events.

It isn't like the demographics of the people around me have changed, it is still largely engineers!

Edit: When looking at houses in Seattle, we went and visited this one house 3 times in quick succession, and on the 3rd visit neighbors came by and talked to us and told us about the neighborhood and said how much they'd love to have a young new family move in. Another couple with a young child across the street from the house went over to talk to us and described what it was like raising a family in that area of the city (all pleasant things, the house was in Magnolia for anyone who knows Seattle!)

I have a good friend who live in a suburb north of Seattle, he is one of the most outgoing and social people I know. Even he doesn't know his neighbors.

IMHO something about 10,000 sqft yards and deep setbacks destroys any hope for communities.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#48

Post by AlbertCory »

nonethewiser wrote: post #5

Isn’t being friends with your neighbors a far more obvious answer to this? I thought that’s where this was going. > Sometime during the pandemic lockdowns, I began to nurture a fantasy,” Adrienne Matei writes. “What if I were neighbors with all of my friends? Every day, as I took long walks through North Vancouver that were still nowhere near long enough to land me at a single pal’s doorstep, I would reflect on the p…

Since getting a cute, friendly dog and walking him twice a day, my friendship count in the neighborhood has gone up by at least 10x.

Of course, for a lot of them, I only know their dog's name, not the person's. /s

No, it's not enough, but it's sure better than not knowing the neighbors at all.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#49

Post by nonethewiser »

clipsy wrote: post #35
maxerickson wrote: post #30

Earlier quoted context omitted.

rare suburbanite HNer I bet that's pretty wrong.

You could very well be right; I was just putting together a gut feeling about the HN community and anecdotal knowledge of where my coworkers in the industry live.

I doubt most HNers actually grew up in large cities. I would guess most were in the burbs or smaller cities (although they may be in large cities now). Just given the demographic distribution of cities (younger, less kids) and the urbanization trends over time (was more distributed 20+ years ago).

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#50

Post by marcell »

moralestapia wrote: post #11
no_wizard wrote: post #2

A somewhat modern feeling I have is also that it’s hard to make close friends as an adult. There’s less willingness to interact with strangers or even the possible idea of having a good interaction with someone that’s a stranger. I think that would also help alleviate the problem significantly is if we were able to meet people in safe spaces somewhat randomly without people feeling like it’s an affront or something

The paradox is that LOTs of people feel this way (me included), and lots of them would be willing to put some real effort into developing new friendships. Yet it still doesn't happen. Now, what could be behind that? (Not rhetorical, genuinely interested)

"Friendship" doesn't happen in a vacuum. You need dependence and value exchange between two "friends." Technology has replaced most of our needs and dependence on other people, with great economic benefit. The downside is it eliminates the need for other humans, and consequently removes the potential for fulfilling relationships.

Just two example out of millions: Uber reduces the need to have friends drive you to the airport. ChatGPT reduces the need to ask your friends about their areas of expertise.

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