341–350 of 443 posts
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The sentiment is lopsided if you actually care about positive outcome and the audience on HN. "Being single" is not HN worthy. There are no learnings in this blog post a technical audience could learn from unless you want stereotypes to succeed.
"My son is 12. He codes. And he fucks." - Who would post this to HN and not Reddit to troll? Seriously.
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Attractive doesn’t mean you are somehow born attractive or unattractive. Sure, people win the lottery and get a bit of a head start, but most of it is charisma, how you dress, if you’re in shape, if you wear deodorant, etc. Attractiveness is a thing anyone can change by putting in effort.
Exactly - work on yourself, get yourself around other people, and interest will follow. Have yet to see this not work.
- "working on yourself" is left unclearly defined
- the assumption that you have to "work on yourself" before you can get in front of other people (apologies if that wasn't what you were insinuating but I've been given this advice by others)
Addressing the first the most obvious way that society deems "working on yourself" if I had to guess is going to therapy. Well I have troubles going to therapy because evidently some part of my brain related to forming any sort of human relationship (romantic friendly business or therapeutic) is stunted. For me the interest you speak of and work ethic for dealing with humans over objects just fades. They can be as enthusiastic as possible and I can completely forget they exist after a week if they aren't physically in front of my face by then. And there are plenty of states of apathy in between. So therapy doesn't work out that well. I go back to those people who recommended therapy for advice. They say "well go to therapy again, wrong therapist." At that point Im willing to believe theyre telling me that because they have no idea how to deal with me and want me out of their sights asap so a professional can take the brunt of my miasma. And that is a legitimate tactic when dealing with severely depressed people, see "codependence", it is just the truth. At that point I cant bear to be around them any more
Addressing the second, I think that would contribute to more alone time for someone seeking self help, whereas experience by doing is better for learning. Though, by now Ive learned the hard way that dragging my clearance-shelf mind into someone elses good time feels like it would be selfish to them and unfulfilling for me, but thats me personally
So my new idea of working on myself is just trying to stay employed as a single living thing and hoping I can retire without any more mental defects forming. Sometimes I feel empty. Maybe I got the wrong idea.
First off, bravo for sharing. Much respect. That said, this is borderline navel gazing. Stop thinking about "what it's like to go swimming" and jump in the lake. Yes, you'll get wet, look stupid, and make a mess. There's no way around that. The sooner the better. If you need to reason yourself into the water, I recommend "The Village Effect." Statistically, humans fair better with a rich tapestry of relationships. Ar…
If the author is reading this... Your post is vulnerable and humble but at the same time your thinking is self centered and overly complicated. We are all unique snowflakes of course but maybe a good starting point is understanding why humans get into relationships. The most obvious reason is children. For many of us, the idea of leaving this planet without raising up the next generation is deeply unsatisfying. Is th…
I'm the author, and I'd like to thank you for this comment. Yes, I have a tendency for overthinking, so that's maybe why it seems complicated. I have thought about the different reasons for why people get into relationships as well and I think you categorized them well. I'm still unsure about my own "why" and that's what I'm trying to explore now starting with this post. Yes, I'd like to have children, but it's not a…
First, I sense what a psychiatrist would call ambivalence from you. Your behavior makes it clear - on one hand you "want" - eg you say you want to have kids, care enough to make this post but something holding you back from wanting wholeheartedly (or you'd be more certain and have taken more action). You even wrote in your post: "The longer answer might also include some thoughts and attitudes towards dating and relationships in my mind that hold me back" - IMHO that's the first set of things to explore. You can't achieve something you can't allow your self to want.
Second, if you have an opportunity, I strongly advise you to establish a relationship with a good therapist and work though this stuff over a long time. I suspect from what and how you are saying, it would take years to explore and unpack and reshape your emotions and thinking on this. I don't know how old you are but chances are if you could have done this on your own, you would have already.
Third, I encourage you to stay open minded and realize that you don't know what you want, so the rails you are creating for yourself may not be real. For example: "it's difficult for me to imagine being a father without knowing who the mother of your children will be" - I think that's an indication of an area to explore frankly. Most people I know who ended up having families knew they wanted a family first and found a partner to have one with. Also, from your post: "I’m not interested in a relationship for its own sake" - how do you know? Maybe you'll realize that you love being in a relationship and obviously the person has to be right but the relationship could be greater than the two of you.
Personal story. I always knew I wanted to be married and have kids and I was successful at dating but my relationships would always end. From the outside it would appear that I have my shit together and most women I dated were "marriage material" but I inevitably called it quits and started over. I spend a few years in fairly intense therapy (few times per week) and it has helped me deal with my own issues that kept me from going all the way. The other thing, I used to "obsess" about what my ideal person is like and as consequence dated a lot of power women (CEOs, professors, etc.) whom I found super interesting. But the woman I ended up marrying isn't a CEO, what she had to offer me was family - both becoming a member of her great family and the family we have together. I didn't know to look for that but it's what I needed. And although we have fewer natural interests in common, the current project we have of raising two small kids binds us much more than having a lot of hobbies in common etc. The point I am making is that I wouldn't have been able to describe what I actually need until I met her, even though I thought I knew.
Good luck. Mainly, find a therapist and prepare for a lot of work. It will be worth it.
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> "Introversion is the state of primarily obtaining gratification from one's own mental life". If this is true, then why do we find so many introverts in online forums?
You can find streamers who will talk about difficulties going outside due to social anxiety problems, and yet are broadcasting themselves live. It's enough of a barrier for them somehow.
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As someone wiser than me once commented -- nobody is going to knock on your door. If you want to meet people, you have to get out there and do things that put you around people.
If you want those people to like you, you have to be relaxed and confident, which means you have to genuinely enjoy and be good at the thing. I like & am good at a reasonable spread of activities, some of which I can even do with friends, but the only ones that bring me new connections are work or work-adjacent. The activities known for meeting people contain nothing I'd actually do for its own sake. Maybe nerdy peop…
So, they avoid trying to engage in other activities and treat newbies with suspicion. Outside of "nerd" circles, it is normal to engage in activities for social reasons only.
> I mean, how is it that so many teenagers become obsessed with the same music their friends do?
Their friends recommend them music and they check it out. They recommend music to friends. They engage with music friends like unless they absolutely hate it. Algorithms show them similar music too.
They go to concerts of artists they know nothing about, just to be there with friends.
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As someone wiser than me once commented -- nobody is going to knock on your door. If you want to meet people, you have to get out there and do things that put you around people.
> do things that put you around people. I tried skiing through which i met tons of people but very few single women. Tried bjj, no women at all. Hiking and camping groups, again no single women. I still do all of these activities but very few women. I've actually never met a woman ,single or otherwise, mountain biking, which is my main goto in summer. Truth is that women don't generally do a lots of activities.
My cousin who is an underemployed balding middle aged divorcee (at times living with his mother - cue George from Seinfeld) met his current long term girlfriend on a skiing trip.
Granted this was somewhere in the Alps. Also my cousin is awesome at smalltalk and unrealistic business ideas.
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As someone wiser than me once commented -- nobody is going to knock on your door. If you want to meet people, you have to get out there and do things that put you around people.
> do things that put you around people. I tried skiing through which i met tons of people but very few single women. Tried bjj, no women at all. Hiking and camping groups, again no single women. I still do all of these activities but very few women. I've actually never met a woman ,single or otherwise, mountain biking, which is my main goto in summer. Truth is that women don't generally do a lots of activities.
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> do things that put you around people. I tried skiing through which i met tons of people but very few single women. Tried bjj, no women at all. Hiking and camping groups, again no single women. I still do all of these activities but very few women. I've actually never met a woman ,single or otherwise, mountain biking, which is my main goto in summer. Truth is that women don't generally do a lots of activities.
The ski slopes are full of women of all ages? Camping groups are full of women and even families? Plenty of women do hiking ... maybe less then men but if you did not met a single one, it is odd.
they are all paired up