I’ve been single all my life • Hacker News Board

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#331

Post by LukasRos » Thu, Apr 13, 2023, 10:02 AM UTC

xyzelement wrote: post #296

If the author is reading this... Your post is vulnerable and humble but at the same time your thinking is self centered and overly complicated. We are all unique snowflakes of course but maybe a good starting point is understanding why humans get into relationships. The most obvious reason is children. For many of us, the idea of leaving this planet without raising up the next generation is deeply unsatisfying. Is th…

I'm the author, and I'd like to thank you for this comment. Yes, I have a tendency for overthinking, so that's maybe why it seems complicated. I have thought about the different reasons for why people get into relationships as well and I think you categorized them well. I'm still unsure about my own "why" and that's what I'm trying to explore now starting with this post. Yes, I'd like to have children, but it's not a "burning desire" and it's difficult for me to imagine being a father without knowing who the mother of your children will be. Partnership sounds wonderful, but I'm not sure if a deep connection with a single person is really better than having a broader network of friends.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#332

Post by BrandoElFollito » Thu, Apr 13, 2023, 10:17 AM UTC

DoreenMichele wrote: post #167

amelius wrote: post #128

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> "Introversion is the state of primarily obtaining gratification from one's own mental life". If this is true, then why do we find so many introverts in online forums?

At the risk of everyone wanting my head on a pike: A. We don't really know what introversion and extroversion are. B. The higher the IQ, the more likely they are to qualify for the label "introvert." So in at least some cases, it's possible smart people just give up on trying to connect socially because they get a lot of negative feedback from other people and it's mostly downside for them, so they stop bothering. Mo…

Do you have any stats for the IQ part?

Another aspect is that the IQ grades a very specific set of capabilities. I usually get a result between an armchair and a fly (I am not particularly proud of that, but it does not exactly reflects my capcities :))

It may be tha introvert people, rather calm in their heads, are better at analyzing the patterns you typically find in these tests (wildly guessing)

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#333

Post by DoreenMichele » Thu, Apr 13, 2023, 10:25 AM UTC

BrandoElFollito wrote: post #332

DoreenMichele wrote: post #167

Earlier quoted context omitted.

At the risk of everyone wanting my head on a pike: A. We don't really know what introversion and extroversion are. B. The higher the IQ, the more likely they are to qualify for the label "introvert." So in at least some cases, it's possible smart people just give up on trying to connect socially because they get a lot of negative feedback from other people and it's mostly downside for them, so they stop bothering. Mo…

Do you have any stats for the IQ part? Another aspect is that the IQ grades a very specific set of capabilities. I usually get a result between an armchair and a fly (I am not particularly proud of that, but it does not exactly reflects my capcities :)) It may be tha introvert people, rather calm in their heads, are better at analyzing the patterns you typically find in these tests (wildly guessing)

Do you have any stats for the IQ part?

A search gets me this:

However, while introverts are a minority group in society, they form the majority of gifted people. Moreover, it appears that introversion increases with intelligence so that more than 75% of people with an IQ above 160 are introverted.

https://highability.org/the-gifted-introvert/

My understanding of that comes from when I was involved with gifted organizations online.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#334

Post by muyuu » Thu, Apr 13, 2023, 10:31 AM UTC

LukasRos wrote: post #328

hombre_fatal wrote: post #83

I'd wonder how many women this guy (and guys who relate to this post) are incidentally meeting every week. When I was in my mid 20s after uni, it was basically zero. Just women at work, if even that. If so, this is basically the result you can expect and nothing is going to change until you get those numbers up. The common thread I see with guys not meeting women is almost never "I meet a lot of women but they never…

I'm the guy who wrote the post and I can confirm the number of single women I meet is extremely low - which is what I meant by "lack of opportunities". I do have a somewhat active social life but I would have to actively optimize that for meeting single women, which would require some changes, which I haven't done - "lack of desire". But it's something I want to work on and maybe that's my next blog post :)

I suspect it will just start happening naturally if you get into something that isn't too male-dominated. Not necessarily knitting-club or yoga class levels, but maybe astronomy, gardening, camping/hiking or board games level.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#335

Post by atleastoptimal » Thu, Apr 13, 2023, 10:35 AM UTC

oceanplexian wrote: post #219

atleastoptimal wrote: post #142

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>He isn't ugly, short, or awkward so shouldn't be a virgin I've noticed this a lot: whenever a non-ugly person notes that they're perpetually single, the first thing people say is "What? But you're so handsome/tall". This strongly implies that one's physical attributes are the biggest predictor of sexual success. However when people complain that their lack of physical attractiveness is keeping them perpetually singl…

Attractive doesn’t mean you are somehow born attractive or unattractive. Sure, people win the lottery and get a bit of a head start, but most of it is charisma, how you dress, if you’re in shape, if you wear deodorant, etc. Attractiveness is a thing anyone can change by putting in effort.

No one denies the impact of self improvement, but denying the significant, consequential impact of genetics is borderline dishonest.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#336

Post by icepat » Thu, Apr 13, 2023, 10:39 AM UTC

throwntoday wrote: post #317

icepat wrote: post #145

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> to enter into a relationship knowing there will be an expiration date speaks more to your character The comment you are replying to never said, or insinuated this.

Yes it did. The assertion was that the more people you date the higher your odds of success, when the reality is totally the opposite. People who date less have a higher success rate in marriage.

> The assertion was that the more people you date the higher your odds of success

Again, no, it is not. It very clearly is talking about being a numbers game in terms of meeting people, rather than dating people. You do not date everyone you meet.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#337

Post by moogly » Thu, Apr 13, 2023, 11:14 AM UTC

scohesc wrote: post #70

I've been single all my life as well, heading into my 30's and it's getting to the point where I feel like the crippling loneliness is absolutely killing me on the inside, likely going to lead me to an early death. Trying not to seem "needy" or come off as desperate is hard and is definitely a turn-off. I avoided social situations all my life because I was (and still am) afraid of rejection. I minimized the amount of…

This describes me to a T, except that I'm not sure if I feel lonely or not at this point. It's been so long I can't tell. I'm in my 40s BTW.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#338

Post by _k7dr » Thu, Apr 13, 2023, 11:26 AM UTC

throwaway8458 wrote: post #241

atleastoptimal wrote: post #142

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>He isn't ugly, short, or awkward so shouldn't be a virgin I've noticed this a lot: whenever a non-ugly person notes that they're perpetually single, the first thing people say is "What? But you're so handsome/tall". This strongly implies that one's physical attributes are the biggest predictor of sexual success. However when people complain that their lack of physical attractiveness is keeping them perpetually singl…

> something I noticed: maybe a societal-scale sort of euphemistic tactic to make people feel better. I’ve noticed this pattern since I was an adolescent. In my opinion, the behavior is aimed at making the reassuring party feel better about the situation. Individuals who recognize their unattractiveness and its negative consequences are more likely to engage in antisocial behavior, which is threatening to others. Henc…

I once read that the Outsider (as defined by Colin Wilson) lives their live in the pursuit of truth. I think that may partially explain why such a tactic is so ineffective for those people. They are concerned with what they think is the truth behind the words above what the words makes them feel, when the latter is supposed to be more important to the speaker of the words. The words are a tool to get someone to clean up their act, get off the couch and get employed again, and after they're said they've served their purpose they're forgotten about. The Outsider seeks that obvious admittance that never comes

I can understand the purpose of self-help statements like "if it frightens you then do it." The point is for the consumer of the help to do things they wouldn't. But I'm tempted to say "I'm frightened of punching people out of the blue, vividly imagine myself doing so out in public every day and have to constantly repress my urge to do so." The author says "thats not what I meant." Then I'd say "then say what you mean." But the point has been lost in a mishmash of semantics. And in the end I'm still frightened of punching people

Im in the habit of peeling back the ulterior motives behind such tactics. Its more concerned with what the people are trying to get me to do if they're making a subjective statement more than the content of the statement. I call that kind of act 'positive gaslighting'. The term gaslighting is almost a universally negative connotation but nobody really talks about the flip side, when you have to look to faith instead of working with truth to feel better. Honestly Id let myself be stoned to death than accept such words uncritically just because it makes me "feel better". I have to twist them into a narrative that makes sense with my worldview

(The irony is that blackpilled incel culture is just another tribe that you can't cross with the wrong words ("maybe I have a chance") or youll get decapitated, I want to remain outside of any tribe for the rest of my life if it kills me)

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#339

Post by goy » Thu, Apr 13, 2023, 11:35 AM UTC

CharlesW wrote: post #194

c2xlZXB5 wrote: post #187

I have been single all my life (I'm in my early 20s). I don't know if I have any desire to be in a relationship with anyone at this time. It may be selfish, but there are so many things I want to do with my limited time and I feel like a relationship will just hold me back from doing what I want to do. I guess it is a fear of being tied down to something and impose on my current, practically unlimited, freedom.

> I don't know if I have any desire to be in a relationship with anyone at this time. I mean, do you enjoy pair programming? Would you enjoy "pair programming with benefits"?

That's a very nice to put it !

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#340

Post by elzbardico » Thu, Apr 13, 2023, 12:15 PM UTC

maxbond wrote: post #281

elzbardico wrote: post #275

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Being a woman means being a female.

Not so. For one, trans women are women, but are not biologically female. For another, being a woman is primarily about fulfilling a certain role in society, having a certain relationship to people based on your gender and theirs. That's got very little to do with biological sex. Like I said, there's nothing biological about wearing dresses. Kilts and skirts are virtually identical, but one of them is seen as very mas…

Nops. Trans "women" are not women. They don't meet any biological criteria for that, they can't operate functionally as woman. There are not trans-females in any other species, as this is exclusivelly a cultural and psychological phenomena in humans. As you said yourself, there's nothing biological about wearing dresses, thus, using a dress doesn't make you a woman.

As human beings, trans people deserve care and respect and the full set of human rights, yet, this doesn't include that we bend reality based on imaginary constructs.