TDCS, EMS, Ketamine
Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?
161–170 of 323 posts
Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?
#162> I've also started therapy 2 months ago, but it's going slow and it hasn't been very useful yet. My #1 piece of advice is, find a new therapist. Therapy isn't one size fits all. You need to not only find the right type of "modality" for you (e.g. CBT and IFS* are worlds apart, generally you want somebody "integrative/eclectic" who will combine the right modalities for you), but you also simply need to find somebody…
I have been with her now 4x. I have talked about my upbringing and that that is the motivation why I came to see her. Then the breakup happened, so the last two times we talked about that.
Apparently she is specialised for adult children of complicated parents. And apparently next time we will do some questionnaire or something. So far we have only talked and she suggested one book ("iRest - Healing PTSD") which I started reading. She is supportive, but so far she mostly said I should find things I like doing, join sports clubs, try mindfulness and basic stuff like that. I know that my issues run deeper.
Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?
#163You are probably eating a lot of food with zero nutritional value and many of your problems might magically seem to disappear if you are naturally relaxed and eating properly. If you are like me, I spent decades in your state. And then I magically noticed that when I eat food that actually has vitamins and minerals and take mineral supplements all these crazy anxieties become manageable. If you are taking on all thes…
The funniest thing is people downvoting me recommending looking after your health.
I’m sorry? Was this not obvious? If you are eating nothing but white bread and candy and alcohol, while undergoing severe stress combinations.
Downvote all you want it’s the truth.
Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?
#164Getting dumped by your partner can really crush your ego as a man. Don't worry, it will get better. The hardest thing for me was that I still loved her, but of course rationally didn't want to (mother of my 3 kids). One trick I used was to disconnect the real person with the person I loved. This allowed me to still love the person in my head, but not the real one (sounds stupid but it really worked). Basically "the p…
Thanks for your reply. Yes it is still fresh, I also still love her and find it very hard to accept this new reality. I've talked a lot to friends and family the past 2 weeks so that helped. I know all I can do is let time do its thing.
Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?
#165You're getting a lot of excellent advice here. I feel similarly to you and have been through my own troubles that have seemed quite immense to me.
In the end, the best thing for me has been Buddhist meditation and practice. I know it's a weird thing to say, and that it will probably therefore have no effect for me to say it. But I've been there, and am doing much better now, and my Buddhist meditation/practice is the main reason. So I recommend it. Feel free to ask about it in a reply if you'd like more specifics.
Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?
#166Earlier quoted context omitted.
> the failure rate is too high The rate dramatically changes with demographic, for example many of those were married young and did not complete education. > who you pick to marry The quote doesn't say whether :) Married men also tend to make more money and work for longer periods of time. There is a cynical view of whether that's good or not, but 40-50 year old single men don't seem to be a particularly successful d…
>The rate dramatically changes with demographic, for example many of those were married young and did not complete education. So OP, a 28 year old male still in the process of completing education? I agree with ianai and toomuchtodo, marriage can wait (assuming one is even interested in it) until you've made your place in the world and have time and room to think about such things.
Conversely when i was in a similar situation, my marriage was the thing that helped carry me through. She was a rock and gave me the kind of support i wasnt really getting anywhere else. But we also shared the journey (hers and mine) and that experience in itself is more valuable than my degree (which i neither use nor rarely reference).
IMHO the reality is a marriage os neither something required nor something to avoid, it lies along side professional life and again IMHO, recommending one to get married or not doesnt deserve a place alongside how one should pursue their career goals. They should be equally pursued in a balanced fashion suited to the individual.
Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?
#167Earlier quoted context omitted.
This is a very interesting perspective! I urge you to create a society or subculture which doesn't waste time on marriage. When it has lasted for at least one generation, come back and tell the rest of us about it.
The divorce rate is 50% in US and 40-50% in developed societies today. I would rather urge you to find a society that doesn't waste time on divorces and dysfunctional marriages today.
The failure rate for starting a business is much, much higher. Realistically, the failure rate for doing anything sufficiently ambitious or rewarding is going to be high. If your main goal is life is to avoid failure, enjoy your mediocrity.
Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?
#168Earlier quoted context omitted.
This is a very interesting perspective! I urge you to create a society or subculture which doesn't waste time on marriage. When it has lasted for at least one generation, come back and tell the rest of us about it.
The divorce rate is 50% in US and 40-50% in developed societies today. I would rather urge you to find a society that doesn't waste time on divorces and dysfunctional marriages today.
Does staying single make it any better? If you check the stats on that, I think you'll find married people tend to be happier, both financially and socially. The fact many marriages don't survive should not necessarily dissuade you from rolling the dice. Just be pickier about who you marry. Pre-marriage counselling can help weed out the improabable marriages.
Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?
#169I can only imagine the weight on your shoulders right now, and I'm so sorry you're going through this.
You might have felt like giving up on your career goals/social life/life in general at some point. People tell you it gets better, and when you've hit rock bottom it's impossible to believe it, but it does get better when you start taking better care of yourself. As with most skills in life, it is not immediate, however, and requires hard work and commitment. The good news is that it feels great once you decide to commit to yourself, which is the person you forgot about at some point, which allowed you to hit rock bottom.
What worked for me: understand and accept that it is *ok for you to be selfish and focus on yourself*, whatever that means to you. To me, it meant going to the gym every morning and having somebody else take care of the many responsibilities I took upon myself during lockdown, and which allowed me to slip up in my PhD during the last couple of years. It also meant accepting that I won't finish my PhD on my original timeline, and that's ok. The job market is not that great right now anyway, so it is ok if you need take more time. Be gentle with yourself :) The career path that is supposed to be for you will find you, but you need to give it a proper chance by spending some time working on yourself and getting to know your strengths a little better. You might have forgotten them: you wouldn't be a PhD student at a prestigious research group right now if you didn't have them.
Some specific tips that worked for me when I hit rock bottom (though mine was different, we share the PhD aspect of it):
- gym every day, once a day (morning for me, but some friends prefer evenings)
- show up to your lab every day (the energy in your lab is better than at home right now, and if it's not, make your lab better; avoid being by yourself at home)
- decluttering (home, lab, research, commitments, etc: delegate as much as possible, so that you can focus on you what is truly important to you)
- meditation + prayer (specifically, asking for guidance and help to take better care of yourself, and to find the path that is meant for you)
- helping others: there are other folks that are struggling too, they're just not telling you about it. if you noticed someone could use some quick 5min help (listening, coffee, decluttering), help out.
- once you're a little stronger: make an effort to connect more with others everywhere you go (commute, coffee shop, library, gym, lab, uni outside your lab, etc); people usually respond well to communication that is honest, non-judgmental, and that comes from a good place. listen more than you speak. you'll make a lot more friends locally in no time.
Wishing you all the best in your recovery.
Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?
#170If your parents were narcissistic with you since you were little, you likely suffered from childhood emotional neglect. I am reading an excellent book on this topic called "Running on Empty: Overcome your Childhood Emotional Neglect " by Jonnice Webb. To determine if you might be suffering from it, an excerpt from the book: “Emotional Neglect Questionnaire Do You: 1. Sometimes feel like you don’t belong when with you…
Yep... I answered 12x Yes, 7x Somewhat (or Yes in the past) and 3x No.