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Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

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Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#81

Post by nyokodo »

ianai wrote: post #12

This actually reads almost normal for a last year of a phd. But you’re in a phd program and probably much closer to complete than you think. I’d reach out to your professors about your misgivings about your research. Make it clear that you’re looking to complete the thing asap and need guidance. Forget the outside stuff. Relationships can wait until you’re done. Feeling like a failure or success is almost a worthless…

> Marriages are fundamentally just a societal complication of a relationship - complete with dubious legal consequences and a not a sure thing that can end.

Or, alternatively marriage is the fundamental glue of society and the germ of new life across the vastness of time and in basically every culture through disasters and war. One of these perspectives is fair to the most ancient institution.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#82

Post by murm »

When I hit my own rock bottom a couple of years ago I stumbled upon Jordan Peterson's lectures about meaning and the bible. It helped my rational mind understand and accept that the rational mind isn't the be-all and end-all and there is something transcendent outside of it. Whatever that is, you can aim at getting better at "dancing" with it and the better the dance the greater the sense of meaning. YMMV but it worked for me.

(the lectures were "2017 Maps of Meaning" and "The Psychological Significance of the Biblical Stories")

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#83

Post by cyberge99 »

superdug wrote: post #30

Hello internet friend, As others have mentioned, you are arguably not as close to rock bottom as one can be. I hit rock bottom when I lost my home, my job, my ability to walk, was on assistance and bought my groceries with food stamps. How I got to rock bottom is a story for a meeting. I found solace in recovery. Recovery is different for everyone as is rock bottom. Therefore if you feel you've lost more than you wer…

Fantastic post. I would also add possibly seeking a support group of/for his peers. I’m friends with Bill.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#84

Post by koonsolo »

Getting dumped by your partner can really crush your ego as a man. Don't worry, it will get better.

The hardest thing for me was that I still loved her, but of course rationally didn't want to (mother of my 3 kids). One trick I used was to disconnect the real person with the person I loved. This allowed me to still love the person in my head, but not the real one (sounds stupid but it really worked). Basically "the person that I love is in my head and doesn't exist. The real person just looks like her".

Rock bottom means you have nothing left to lose, or at least you feel like it. For me it felt kind of liberating. Because if you have nothing left to lose, there are only things to gain. You can take stupid risks and it won't matter anyway.

Your breakup is still fresh, so try to talk to some friends who went through a similar thing.

Hang in there, it will get better.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#86

Post by toomuchtodo »

nyokodo wrote: post #81
ianai wrote: post #12

This actually reads almost normal for a last year of a phd. But you’re in a phd program and probably much closer to complete than you think. I’d reach out to your professors about your misgivings about your research. Make it clear that you’re looking to complete the thing asap and need guidance. Forget the outside stuff. Relationships can wait until you’re done. Feeling like a failure or success is almost a worthless…

> Marriages are fundamentally just a societal complication of a relationship - complete with dubious legal consequences and a not a sure thing that can end. Or, alternatively marriage is the fundamental glue of society and the germ of new life across the vastness of time and in basically every culture through disasters and war. One of these perspectives is fair to the most ancient institution.

Evolve or die. Marriage is an unnecessary burden and construct in modern times. Love, date, cohabitat (non community property state), but the failure rate is too high (~66% of marriages fail) when the cost is similarly high.

Warren Buffett says the factor which most contributes to your future wealth is who you pick to marry. Do you feel lucky?

https://www.amazon.com/Science-Happily-Ever-After-Enduring/d...

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#87

Post by sicp-enjoyer »

ianai wrote: post #12

This actually reads almost normal for a last year of a phd. But you’re in a phd program and probably much closer to complete than you think. I’d reach out to your professors about your misgivings about your research. Make it clear that you’re looking to complete the thing asap and need guidance. Forget the outside stuff. Relationships can wait until you’re done. Feeling like a failure or success is almost a worthless…

I have noticed that Phd holders usually advise buckling down and dealing with whatever abuse or bureaucratic nightmares are required to finish.

I think I agree with 1 year out, but I would be surprised if this hasn't been going on for longer.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#88

Post by osullip »

You are standing in front of a massive pile of broken glass. It hurts like no one ever told you it would. To lose a women that you thought you would spend the rest of your life with hurts. It's hard. But you reached out. You know it's going to be hard and you asked the world for help. There are people all over that will be there for you. It's funny how many you find when you need them.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#89

Post by crazygringo »

> I've also started therapy 2 months ago, but it's going slow and it hasn't been very useful yet.

My #1 piece of advice is, find a new therapist.

Therapy isn't one size fits all. You need to not only find the right type of "modality" for you (e.g. CBT and IFS* are worlds apart, generally you want somebody "integrative/eclectic" who will combine the right modalities for you), but you also simply need to find somebody to click with. It really does depend on trust and chemistry to a shockingly large degree.

I know multiple people who did years of therapy that was next to useless, then found a new therapist that just 2-4 sessions made a huge difference.

It's entirely normal and expected to "shop around" with therapists. Try an initial 1-2 sessions with 3-4 different therapists, and be upfront with them about what you're doing as well. They won't take it personally -- they're therapists -- and they're even more aware than you that therapeutic outcomes are super dependent on just finding the right personal match.

When you find the right therapist who is really in tune with you, you can go from having a "breakthrough" every couple of years, to every couple of sessions. It's crazy how different the outcomes can be, and how few people are even aware that the outcomes can be so different.

(Note that this is less applicable to CBT which is very recipe-oriented, paint-by-numbers, surface-level treatment. CBT can be great as a short-term fix for distorted thinking patterns, but it's not designed to address anything deeper, so a good match with a therapist matters less.)

* CBT = cognitive behavioral therapy, IFS = internal family systems

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#90

Post by sicp-enjoyer »

toomuchtodo wrote: post #86
nyokodo wrote: post #81

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Marriages are fundamentally just a societal complication of a relationship - complete with dubious legal consequences and a not a sure thing that can end. Or, alternatively marriage is the fundamental glue of society and the germ of new life across the vastness of time and in basically every culture through disasters and war. One of these perspectives is fair to the most ancient institution.

Evolve or die. Marriage is an unnecessary burden and construct in modern times. Love, date, cohabitat (non community property state), but the failure rate is too high (~66% of marriages fail) when the cost is similarly high. Warren Buffett says the factor which most contributes to your future wealth is who you pick to marry. Do you feel lucky? https://www.amazon.com/Science-Happily-Ever-After-Enduring/d...

> the failure rate is too high

The rate dramatically changes with demographic, for example many of those were married young and did not complete education.

> who you pick to marry

The quote doesn't say whether :) Married men also tend to make more money and work for longer periods of time. There is a cynical view of whether that's good or not, but 40-50 year old single men don't seem to be a particularly successful demographic.

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