Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem? • Hacker News Board

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#301

Post by vel0city » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 5:57 PM UTC

wonderwonder wrote: post #117

fxtentacle wrote: post #66

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You suggestion kind of sounds like: Let's teach kids how to grow an apple tree by giving them apple juice. Consuming the benefits of having a woman sexually interested in you is a very different skill from creating that interest in the first place. So they would just pay to skip all the steps that they are bad at, thereby never learning them.

I think that may happen in some cases but they would also learn that sex is likely not what they imagined it to be. Its just something that people do together sometimes. I think there would be emotional growth after the fact.

> but they would also learn that sex is likely not what they imagined it to be.

If you're paying someone to live out those fantasies, you're probably not going to experience "normal" sexual relationships.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#302

Post by ocdtrekkie » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 5:57 PM UTC

ryeights wrote: post #150

PragmaticPulp wrote: post #115

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> While women can get attention from thousands of men online in just a few hours, men are lucky if anyone is interested in them When it comes to dating apps, everyone I know falls into one of two categories: The first group invests time into generating a good profile. They put the effort into getting get photos of themselves and presenting the photos properly. They write a good bio, avoiding the tired tropes ("love f…

Unfortunately this response is divorced from reality. I have observed many 20-something women swiping through Tinder and the #1 cause for a man’s profile to be rejected is his attractiveness simply being average or below average. Have you ever tried online dating on platforms such as Tinder?

I would follow some accounts like She Rates Dogs and Ask Aubry to see some of what women are up against on dating apps. Every woman on those apps has an experience like you'll find on those feeds of their own, and as a man on those apps, it helps to understand the experience they're used to, and are expecting could happen again at any moment.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#303

Post by giraffe_lady » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 5:57 PM UTC

RicoElectrico wrote: post #82

In a cruel paradox, I find talking to women who are already in a relationship much more enjoyable. They are more humble, open-minded and treat me as a real person, not means to an end or some necessary evil. Which boosts confidence a lot. Maybe 30 y.o. single women are so for a reason.

Maybe you're just not focused on how to get with them and they can pick on that, so are able to relax somewhat. Maybe you're single for a reason.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#304

Post by avmich » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 5:57 PM UTC

ghostpepper wrote: post #287

ajross wrote: post #148

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I'm ok looking and I feel like I can make women like me. So, I promise I'm not just picking on the phrasing (though yeah, the phrasing is pretty bad). I find it amazing that you went through that whole discussion about the perspective of your seemingly-hetero-male-only social environment without once recognizing that intimacy is a two-way transaction and that the other party needs to get something in return. Everyo…

I agree with this. The importance of being okay-looking and intellectually stimulating are small compared to the importance of being a good emotional communicator, self aware, reciprocating in conversation etc.

I'd disagree regarding okay-looking - that could be surprisingly more important than assumed. Without looks which make enough of a pause many other qualities are worth little.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#305

Post by CalRobert » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 5:57 PM UTC

goodpoint wrote: post #235

wyager wrote: post #52

Earlier quoted context omitted.

As with many sexually dimorphic behaviors in humans (and mammals in general), this flows from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Variability_hypothesis You can have a stable/growing population with only 1 male per n>1 females. So, the evolutionarily optimal strategy is to crank up trait variance in males and have females select only the top 1/n males (hand-wavily speaking). Most modern human cultures suppressed this dynam…

> evolutionarily optimal strategy Gender roles (and sexism) are primarily cultural. If you look through history there has been matriarchal and patriarchal societies. Monogamous and polygamous and so on in many combinations. Humans sexuality is very unique compared to other animals and, respectfully, we should try not to play armchair Darwin. There are very good lectures from prof. Sapolsky on youtube on the topic. Hu…

Roles are very cultural, but who has the eggs isn't. One person can create 10-20 offspring over their life, another can create thousands (hypothetically).

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#306

Post by [deleted] » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 5:58 PM UTC

spaniard89277 wrote: post #38

itsmemattchung wrote: post #4

> One possible aid for sexual loneliness might come from online dating apps such as Tinder. In theory, online dating could provide an efficient way to find a partner. However, online dating divides people heavily into winners and losers – perhaps even more so than traditional dating. While women can get attention from thousands of men online in just a few hours, men are lucky if anyone is interested in them My wife d…

I've been running online communities for years and this, as far as I can see, factual. I've read somewhere, maybe multiple times, that most men are emotionally and sexually deprived. That sounds correct given the data I have. I'm ok looking and I feel like I can make women like me. I still struggle sometimes. Many of my friends do much worse than me. I have friends that I find intellectually stimulating, average-look…

[deleted]

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#307

Post by fancybouncy » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 5:58 PM UTC

josefresco wrote: post #73

f-securus wrote: post #5

Legalize prostitution and regulate safety and perhaps incels would build confidence and learn to socialize a bit from paid sexual interactions? I'm kind of ignorant to the subject of what is the cause of 'sexual loneliness' but I believe the world's oldest profession shouldn't be pushed into the shadows as that causes more problems than it prevents.

> incels would build confidence and learn to socialize a bit While there's a perception that incels are ugly, socially awkward nerds, the one's I've interreacted with online (and off) tend to be angry, misogynistic douchebags. The nerdiest guys I know (IRL) all have significant others. The bitter guys I know (two) IRL are older, have let themselves go and have nothing "going for them". They are both very active onlin…

> have let themselves go and have nothing "going for them"

that is, they fell ill with depression because of lack of relationships, entering a loop of ever-furthering isolation and depression, which made them bitter and undesirable.

Some "ugly, socially awkward nerds" somehow find meaningful relationships and get saved. Others don't, and go down the nasty road.

A little bit of empathy wouldn't hurt.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#308

Post by konart » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 5:58 PM UTC

wonderwonder wrote: post #165

jacobsenscott wrote: post #116

The classic formula for hooking up is time and proximity - throw people together in the same space and wait - people will start hooking up. No app can provide this - they are designed with the exact opposite scenario in mind. This is why people meet in high school (4 years)/college(4 years)/at the office (40 years). With the move to remote work in many places we've cut off the office part - where people had the most…

I agree with this, remove school, college and work and what is left? Not much. Maybe a house of worship if you are religous. Remote work while it provides benefits to people; especially those already in a relationship and with kids, has its costs. Online college is an option now.

>Not much. Maybe a house of worship

Literature clubs, language classes. Literally any hobbie that does not require you to stay focused on device that may cut off your fingers if you look away.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#309

Post by helge9210 » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 5:58 PM UTC

spaniard89277 wrote: post #38

itsmemattchung wrote: post #4

> One possible aid for sexual loneliness might come from online dating apps such as Tinder. In theory, online dating could provide an efficient way to find a partner. However, online dating divides people heavily into winners and losers – perhaps even more so than traditional dating. While women can get attention from thousands of men online in just a few hours, men are lucky if anyone is interested in them My wife d…

I've been running online communities for years and this, as far as I can see, factual. I've read somewhere, maybe multiple times, that most men are emotionally and sexually deprived. That sounds correct given the data I have. I'm ok looking and I feel like I can make women like me. I still struggle sometimes. Many of my friends do much worse than me. I have friends that I find intellectually stimulating, average-look…

> The only advice I've told them is to get out of any online stuff and hit bars.

It took me a while to understand, that "bars" here do not correspond to "outdoor exercise equipment".

> that most men are emotionally and sexually deprived.

Recently I saw Mozart's "The Magic Flute" for the first time. Papageno character heavily resonates with this observation. So, the problem is not new.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#310

Post by throwaway6734 » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 5:58 PM UTC

0xbadcafebee wrote: post #108

This is hilarious. They found that young men are having less sex, young women are not having less sex, and some young men are having way more sex. And they conclude the problem is "loneliness". No, dude, the problem is young men are increasingly not worth having sex with. This of course has precedence in the natural world. Not every male is always having sex. Most often, a smaller number of males that are considered…

> I mean, have you seen my gender, next to its opposite?

This is an incredibly sexist point of view. Cultural expectations for the role of women in society have been continuously expanded while nothing remotely similar has been done for men.