Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem? • Hacker News Board

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#111

Post by giantg2 » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 5:29 PM UTC

cmh89 wrote: post #93

spaniard89277 wrote: post #38

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've been running online communities for years and this, as far as I can see, factual. I've read somewhere, maybe multiple times, that most men are emotionally and sexually deprived. That sounds correct given the data I have. I'm ok looking and I feel like I can make women like me. I still struggle sometimes. Many of my friends do much worse than me. I have friends that I find intellectually stimulating, average-look…

It's interesting to me. I have female friends in their 30s who go on tons of dates but reject pretty much all of them for any long-term relationship. The ones they seem to be in to tend to reject them after a couple of dates. I'm not there in those interactions but I wonder how much of it is a mismatch between what you desire in a relationship and who you are attracted to in a person.

Or how much the "game" influences it. People tend to want what they can't have and reject things that come too easy.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#112

Post by willcipriano » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 5:29 PM UTC

notch656c wrote: post #32

itsmemattchung wrote: post #4

> One possible aid for sexual loneliness might come from online dating apps such as Tinder. In theory, online dating could provide an efficient way to find a partner. However, online dating divides people heavily into winners and losers – perhaps even more so than traditional dating. While women can get attention from thousands of men online in just a few hours, men are lucky if anyone is interested in them My wife d…

Tinder is straight up depressing for the median dude. My mind was blown just how much harder it was to get a date on tinder vs getting a date in real life. I can do the latter pretty easily but trying to get one on tinder would be like months of constant effort to then get ditched before the date even starts. It feels like 90% of women on there are chasing the top 10% of dudes and not settling for anything else.

Those 10% dudes are smart enough not to settle for a 90% woman for more than a few dates when they can pull a new one off the app at a moments notice. In the end they are the only winners in this situation.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#113

Post by wolongong942 » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 5:29 PM UTC

notch656c wrote: post #32

itsmemattchung wrote: post #4

> One possible aid for sexual loneliness might come from online dating apps such as Tinder. In theory, online dating could provide an efficient way to find a partner. However, online dating divides people heavily into winners and losers – perhaps even more so than traditional dating. While women can get attention from thousands of men online in just a few hours, men are lucky if anyone is interested in them My wife d…

Tinder is straight up depressing for the median dude. My mind was blown just how much harder it was to get a date on tinder vs getting a date in real life. I can do the latter pretty easily but trying to get one on tinder would be like months of constant effort to then get ditched before the date even starts. It feels like 90% of women on there are chasing the top 10% of dudes and not settling for anything else.

While the 80/20 stuff is true i think another under-explored aspect is that there just isn't many non-bot women on these dating apps, after all their business is exploiting men for these gold memberships/boosts. Most women i know in their 20s easily get attention on a daily basis through posting on Instagram, working a retail orwaitress job or simply walking into a bar, they also have social groups and hobbies so they aren't really using Tinder.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#114

Post by darkwater » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 5:29 PM UTC

claytonjy wrote: post #64

guerrilla wrote: post #37

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Can we skip the dystopia and do some free-software peer-to-peer or federated solution somehow? Are ActivityPub-like protocols useful for this?

Sounds like a great way to build a dating pool with even fewer women than the current ones.

You made me chuckle :)

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#115

Post by PragmaticPulp » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 5:29 PM UTC

itsmemattchung wrote: post #4

> One possible aid for sexual loneliness might come from online dating apps such as Tinder. In theory, online dating could provide an efficient way to find a partner. However, online dating divides people heavily into winners and losers – perhaps even more so than traditional dating. While women can get attention from thousands of men online in just a few hours, men are lucky if anyone is interested in them My wife d…

> While women can get attention from thousands of men online in just a few hours, men are lucky if anyone is interested in them

When it comes to dating apps, everyone I know falls into one of two categories:

The first group invests time into generating a good profile. They put the effort into getting get photos of themselves and presenting the photos properly. They write a good bio, avoiding the tired tropes ("love food and travel"), and they iterate on their bio based on responses. They go out on dates with an open mind and are willing to give people a chance.

The second group grabs random, unflattering pictures of themselves and throw them into the app without much consideration. They do things like use group photos where it's hard to even tell whose profile you're viewing. They grab a lot of silly or exaggerated pictures that make them look immature or present an image that doesn't match their personality. They write a short bio with useless tropes copied from other profiles. They make up their minds about people before even going on the first date.

The first group isn't finding their soulmate in the first month, but they do well. I've attended a double-digit number of weddings from people in this group. The second group is just relentlessly cynical and disappointed. I know a group of people, some of whom are classically attractive women, who have been doing online dating for years while complaining about the lack of good matches.

Online dating is a tool. Like any other tool, people get out of it what they put into it. You don't have to be in the top 10% of most attractive and successful people to match with others, but you do have to get over the cynicism and put in some effort.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#116

Post by jacobsenscott » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 5:30 PM UTC

The classic formula for hooking up is time and proximity - throw people together in the same space and wait - people will start hooking up. No app can provide this - they are designed with the exact opposite scenario in mind.

This is why people meet in high school (4 years)/college(4 years)/at the office (40 years). With the move to remote work in many places we've cut off the office part - where people had the most time to find a partner. What replaces that? Nearly everyone I know who is married met in one of those 3 places. I met my wife in the office before remote work was common (today we are both 100% remote).

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#117

Post by wonderwonder » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 5:30 PM UTC

fxtentacle wrote: post #66

f-securus wrote: post #5

Legalize prostitution and regulate safety and perhaps incels would build confidence and learn to socialize a bit from paid sexual interactions? I'm kind of ignorant to the subject of what is the cause of 'sexual loneliness' but I believe the world's oldest profession shouldn't be pushed into the shadows as that causes more problems than it prevents.

You suggestion kind of sounds like: Let's teach kids how to grow an apple tree by giving them apple juice. Consuming the benefits of having a woman sexually interested in you is a very different skill from creating that interest in the first place. So they would just pay to skip all the steps that they are bad at, thereby never learning them.

I think that may happen in some cases but they would also learn that sex is likely not what they imagined it to be. Its just something that people do together sometimes. I think there would be emotional growth after the fact.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#118

Post by ocdtrekkie » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 5:30 PM UTC

frognumber wrote: post #24

I am happy about the study, since I think this is underresearched. However, I think Gini Index this is a horrible way to look at it. Regular sex is important, but regularly switching sex partners isn't really how I want to live my life. I don't want 50 lifetime partners, 38, 15, or even 12. I wanted one. That I have more than one is a sign of failure of a relationship each time, which is not a success. If I had my ch…

So the problem about 1930s-style relationships, is that a lot more of them were held together by fear and taboo than people would care to admit. Abusive relationships usually aren't known by the public. Someone might try to leave an abusive relationship, but be shamed by the public for not being "committed enough" or even get excommunicated from their church.

I'm now happily married, and I hope to remain so for life. But the difference between the 1930s and now is that not only am I aware that if I'm a bad partner, she can leave me, but I accept that as a reasonable recourse.

Long-term marriage is absolutely possible today, but people who want that have to work for it. It's not automatic anymore because people are less scared of being branded for leaving a bad situation.

"Roles" is a very loaded term, but I think there's a definite place for understanding who is handling what. The key thing is understanding roles change, and in a good marriage, both partners will take whatever role serves the family unit. They shouldn't be attached to the gender of the partner, and can move as needs change.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#119

Post by gcanyon » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 5:30 PM UTC

If you zoom out far enough, a greater proportion of women than men are in general able to find as many sexual partners they want. The problem isn't complex. The solution probably is, because (I think) obviously the solution in general isn't just sexual gratification. The necessary dynamic involves more than just "getting laid." There's the courtship/pursuit, the uncertainty of matchmaking -- the thing that is missing is not simply "sexual partners."

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#120

Post by dangond » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 5:31 PM UTC

honkler wrote: post #21

f-securus wrote: post #5

Legalize prostitution and regulate safety and perhaps incels would build confidence and learn to socialize a bit from paid sexual interactions? I'm kind of ignorant to the subject of what is the cause of 'sexual loneliness' but I believe the world's oldest profession shouldn't be pushed into the shadows as that causes more problems than it prevents.

[flagged]

So King Louis XVI witnessed the end of French monarchical rule because he failed to ban... what? Revolutions? Monarchy has nothing to do with whether or not the people in power believe in bans being useful.